OK... run out of ideas other than to let her cry it out... Anyone got a better one? PLEASE HELP!

[designerbaby]

She's 17 months. After getting to breaking point at christmas with 45 minutes wakings throughout the night we did PU/PD, with some success and we had 3 months or so of pretty good sleep (meaning on average only 1 waking a night, and fairly quick to resettle.)

But since we've come back from holiday (3 1/2 weeks ago) it feels like we're back to square one.

She's waking 2-3 times a night, often taking 2 hours to resettle, screaming blue murder if we try and leave the room - or even take our hand off her back... more often than not now, after a couple of hours we've ended up taking her into our bed (which is probably a huge mistake) so that, even if we're not really sleeping (husband is 6ft 4 and bed is not really big enough) at least she is.

I feel like tonight, if (when) she wakes, I'll go in and try to resettle her, but if the screaming continues I might just have to leave her to it.

But it makes me sad to feel like we've got to this point, I've never been in favour of CIO, but I'm exhausted, and I just don't know what else to do...

I really thought our problems were behind us, and that by this age I would be able to look forward to some quality sleep.

Everything's suffereing, work, realtionship, the house is a tip because I pretty much fall asleep the moment my arse hits the sofa...

Amd to THINK we were considering another one. No bloody chance at this rate...

If there's anyone with any advice I'd be truly, hugely, grateful.

db
xx

p.s. Am pretty sure she's not teething, or ill, or anything...

At this age DS was still in his cot in our room, but when we moved him into his own room (about 2 yrs) I went through a (fortunately brief) phase of having to 'camp' in DS bedroom (complete with thermarest and sleeping bag) whilst he went back to sleep if he woke up.

HI Donk... Have considered moving in there - did it just solve itself, did you do anything to help him resettle?

It's the the hand on the back thing is back-breaking, and I'm not so sure it helps anyway - she's quiet but not sleeping, evidently, and as soon as the hand it removed the wailing starts - proper heartbreaking sobs ? I hate it!

Havign said that it's so immediate (hand on ? crying stops, hand off crying starts) it would almost be funny if it wasn't so horrible...

db
xx

I just tried to stay very quiet and calm - and minimum input so that my presence had as little impact as possible.

Then I moved the sleeping bag away from the bed 'its ok DS, I'll just be over here'

With a bit of patience it kind of solved itself after a while. (Felt like ages at the time)

I never wanted to do cry it out or controlled crying either. But I too was at breaking point with DS waking every hour and feeding back to sleep in with me.

Ended up doing a cross between controlled crying and gradual retreat. It did take a few nights of virtually no sleep, and 3 weeks to go all through the night till 5.30am but there was a pretty quick noticeable change in the way he could settle himself without any help from me.

I would go in, lay him down and sat a key phrase e.g time for bed sleepy head, then go and sit in a chair away from the cot with my back turned to him. Then keep going back and repeat after 7 mins, then 9 mins, 11mins, 13mins, 15mins, 15mins etc until he went to sleep. Then wait 10 mins before creeping out! At first when he finally went to sleep it was in all sorts of awkward positions but by the 2nd night he would lay himself down normally in the cot. That was such a pleasure to see.

So, still not a fan of controlled crying, but this way he knew I was there, so I didn't feel like I was abandoning him, and he learnt how to get back to sleep himself.

Good luck

no cry sleep solution

My DS was a terrible sleeper at the same age and I must admit that I gave in and let him sleep with us when he woke up. That's probably not the best advice, I know, and there are risks to co-sleeping but I was at my wits end too and it was the only solution that worked and allowed me to function as I was working full-time. When he started school at 4 we said you are a big boy now and you can't sleep in our bed any more and it worked! He's never been in our bed since (apart from a cuddle in the morning)

Thanks all...

Donk, how long are we talking here - a week, a month, six?

So Lisa, a bit like CC but staying in the room? Worth a try, before going cmpletely hard core...

Thisisyesterday - have the book, have read the book... didn't find anything every useful, but maybe I'm missing the pertinent bits... can you suggest what bit I should look at (too flippin' tired to read the whole things again...)

MadMazza - I'd do that if I got any sleep at all with her in with us - but unfortunately my DH takes up quite a bit of bed, and my DD has a fetish for my hair and pulls it constantly when within grabbing distance (even when asleep...) and also prefers to sleep horizontally with her feet on my head. These combined does not a good night's sleep make...

db
xx

It was probably about a month - felt much longer at the time.

i just followed the book as it said, did the things I felt could work well with ds2 and some of the things I thought might not but were easy (ie, saying same words each time he fell asleep)
it takes a while to work, but it does work if you persevere with it.
not a quick fix though.

there is a toddler version I believe

Yes same principle as CC but like you say - not as hardcore.

I did do NCSS too for a few months. It was starting to work marginally, then DS got sick, the DH left us, then I started taking him in with me to try and make things a bit easier but it just made it a whole lot worse as he was such a light sleeper I disturbed him at every movement.

Like I said, I didn't want to do it, but the joy of him snuggling himself down into the cot was too good. It also meant he is better at sleeping in the day too which he never had been up til then.

Did cc at 11 months as a last resort. It worked wonders in a week. Tried gradual withdrawal, standing close to a cot but my ds was screaming his head of seeing me there and me not doing anything...horrible.

Talk to your dh. Make a plan. Support needed as at times each of you will want to quit so the other one needs to say NO! She knows you are not going anywhere and you will be there for her in the morning. Night is for alone time sleeping. She knows you love her. Go for it, prepare yourself cos you will feel awful. However, it's for the best for all of you. Prepare for resistance but she'll get the message soon. And good luck!

I have a little NCT book called 'Help your baby to sleep' and in it it describes a method called the 'kissing game' which it says is effective for 6mth-2yrs. It sounds hard work (quite physical for the parent) and I imagine it takes a few hours over a few days but the book says 'some children cry from crossness and some giggle, but none are frightened by this approach' and I do think it sounds gentle.

you basically settle your DD to bed and kiss her and say you will return in a minute to kiss her again but actually return immediately give another kiss, then take a couple of steps away then return and give another kiss and so on. As long as she is lying in her cot she gets a kiss but only kisses. keep going until they are asleep. I guess you could use a quick rub on the back but I think the idea is to avoid any other intervention.

I haven't tried it but just wanted to give you another approach to think about. Fwiw I think you should at 17 months be able to look forward to some quality sleep and I hope you manage to get your DD settled again.

Just wanted to post to offer you sympathy as I have been where you are now and HURRAH we have come out the other side, so it is more than possible to do and my one regret was that we didn't tackle it earlier. DD2 was a nightmare sleeper waking 2/3 times a night every night until at 20 months we decided to tackle it. Now previously to this we had tried other methods with no success: NCSS, gradual retreat and others but they never really worked.

In the end out of sheer desperation I explained to her that she was a big girl now and we would no longer be sitting by her cot(for hours) for her to go to sleep. My DH and I introduced a very regimented bedtime routine, 6.30p.m. bath 7.00p.m. milk and 2 bedtime stories then straight to bed. We even agreed on a 'script' to say to her when she went into the cot and we never varied on this. We then explained we would be outside the room while she tried to go to sleep on her own. We could then offer reassurance through the door but without her relying on us to get her to sleep. It was a really tough week and I think she could sense when we were very close to giving up as that would be when she cried out the most BUT for both of us, for our marriage and our sanity we carried on....a week later and she was sleeping through the night with no waking.
A year on and she never wakes in the night and if she did she could settle herself. It was quite drastic but the difference it has made to us all has been amazing and I don't regret it one bit. So if you have to be a bit tougher don't beat yourself up if the end results merit it. I know I really couldn't function with permanent exhaustion so some times the end justifies the means.

Best of luck.

Designerbaby - how is it going??

What plan did you decide on?

Hope you are coping ok