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Leaving 4 wk old DS to cry.....

6 replies

caspercat · 15/03/2009 11:50

but not because i want him to sleep thru the night, just because i don't know what else to do .
He's BF, and at night time we mainly co-sleep, so he gets loads of cuddles. The problem is in the day, as i have a 2.6yr old DD, am finding it really hard to juggle both of them. Took till 11am to get DD dressed, by the time we'd had breakfast & i'd fed DS. Ds was fed, warm, but not really had a sleep since 7am (Apart from 15 min nap at 9am), so he really needed a sleep. I put him in his bouncy chair so he could be with us, but he cried. Then i tried him in his cot with mobile on (all of this upstairs with us), but he still cried. DD wanted the toilet (she's a bit poorly with vom/di at the mo so i couldn't risk asking her to wait), and she was getting wound up, so i had to leave DS while i saw to her. By the time we were done, it was 10/15 mins later, and Ds had cried himself to sleep . Now i feel like world's worst mum, cos everyone says how awful it is for them to be left to cry, & am just storing up psychological damage for years later!! But he needed to sleep, & DD is going to get resentful if i put her 2nd all the time.
Have tried a sling - just don't get on with it. Have baby carrier, but still find things difficult to with Ds in it - bending down to help DD, washing her hands etc. He's getting the sleep he needs now, but at what cost???
Can anyone reassure me, or offer me another way to do things?? Had PND with DD, feel fine at the mo, but am scared that worrying about this is going to tip me over the edge again....

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 15/03/2009 11:55

It's hard with a toddler to look after too. DS1 was 2.6 when I had ds2 so I know how you feel. Sometime you do have to leave them to tend to the older one and visa versa.

Both will be just fine in the long run. Don't beat yourself up about it

bobsyouruncle · 15/03/2009 12:06

I had to do this when ds was a baby and dd was only 22 months. Sometimes you just have to imo, and I'm sure lots of people are in the same situation and do it too. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing your best for both of them. It's not easy though I know, I still feel pangs of guilt now but ds is 5 this year and seems happy enough!

HarlotOTara · 15/03/2009 12:22

I would doubt you have done your baby any psychological harm. When my dd1 was a baby (she is 18 now) I read in a parenting magazine that sometimes overtired babies need cry themselves to sleep. After reading this I sometimes let her cry when she was overtired - she has no mental health issues and seems a fairly well rounded individual. It is about being a good enough mother not perfect. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

caspercat · 15/03/2009 12:25

Thanks for those words, they really help. Am not anti - CC (had to do it with DD, but she was older. She's happy, well slept little thing now so have no regrets), but obviously don't want to do it with a 4 wk old, but it seems it's just gonna have to happen sometimes.
One more (probably stupid) question - DD at nursery 3 days a week. On these days, obviously i have lot more time to spend with DS. Have been having skin-to-skin time in bed with him on these days, & sometimes he falls asleep during this & i leave him to it. Rest of the time, he might fall asleep in pram/car, or just on my lap. Is he going to get REALLY confused - i.e, 1 minute "why am i being left to cry", next thing "how come i'm getting loads of cuddles now??", therefore he's never going to know the best way to get to sleep? Or am i reading too much into it & he'll find his own way eventually? With DD we had quite a strict routine of 3 daytime sleep, with stories beforehand, but obviously DS will have to fit in with what we do with DD so won't be able to do that every day. I want to do everything i can to enjoy his babytime, but get so caught up worrying about things.

Somebody slap me......

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 15/03/2009 12:27

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's tough getting used to juggling a toddler and a baby. It'll take a few months to start to feel like you are anything approaching 'on top of things'. In the meantime, if your baby is 'left to cry' for a short while now and then because your hands are full, so be it. You have the needs of two little ones to attend to now, and often one of them will just have to wait while you attend to the other.

pollywollywoowah · 15/03/2009 12:54

DS was 19mths when DD was born (she's 21wks now) and I feel much the same as you do. DD has to cry sometimes there is just no other way.

I feel that the times I have alone with her when DS is at the childminder are our special times, when she can get all the cuddles she normally misses out on! That way if I do have to leave her to cry a bit, I can feel that at least she is getting some cuddles when it is possible.

Probably rubbish but it is how I have learnt to deal with feeling bad about it.

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