Help, I'm failing; can't think, need advice 14 month old who won't sleep... (long sorry)

[emskaboo]

My ds has always been a fragile sleeper, largely my fault really, failed to teach him self settling skills early on, hey ho.

We had, with a combination of gradual withdrawal and two nights cc got him to sleep from 7.30ish to 6ish most nights from 11.5 months. We've had the odd crap night since and he very rarely settles straight off at bedtime, i.e. he'll normally grumble before dropping off and I normally have to pop back once to reassure.

Last week has been terrible, last Friday, and Wednesday and last night he woke at 1.30am and would not resettle, really upset, patting and shushing gets him to almost fall asleep but the second you leave he wakes, all three nights after two hours plus I've ended up crawling into his cot with him! He then sleeps for a few hours, I crawl off to bed after about three hours and then he wakes normally time bright as a button.

The nights in between he has had trouble settling and needed us to go in at least once during the night.

I am at my wits end, I had PND, largely triggered through exhaustion I think and I just feel like I'm falling back down again, what do I do?

Well done if you waded through all that.

Please don't suggest co-sleeping, it doesn't work for us as a family at all, my DH can't sleep, I find it hard and my ds wriggles and feeds solidly all night when we try!

OK, first of all, and most importantly, this is not your fault. SOme babies and toddlers are shit sleepers. The idea that this is somehow the fault of the parent is something perpetuated by these stupid books and "gurus" because it suggests that you need their help to put things right in some way. IMO that's crap. Waking a lot is normal - a pain in the arse but it's evolution's way of making sure mum and dad haven't been eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger in the night.

It's likely that his molars are coming through round about now, and even when there's nothing to see in his gums you might well find he wakes up and thrashes around in the middle of the night for a few days/weeks. It's frustrating because it seems in the daytime with distractions they're fine. It will pass even if you do nothing, I promise!

He's also probably doing the separation anxiety thing where they find it hard to stay calm when their mum's not there - IME made ten times worse by pain or illness.

My advice would be to forget about what you feel he "should" be doing and what you "should" be doing and concentrate on surviving this phase. Psychologically I always found accepting it and waiting for it to pass a million times easier than trying to "fix" something that wasn't really fixable. So, for example, you might want to put a mattress or airbed on the floor beside his cot when he won't settle by himself. Make it as comfy for yourself as you can. My DS settles far quicker once he's reassured we're not trying to dash out again - always trying to sneak away seems to make him more anxious and less likely to sleep. Make sure your DP then gives you a lie in when possible, or takes a turn staying with him if that works. Or call in friends or family if you can, to take DS for a while and let you catch up.

Also, if you feel teeth are the problem, Calpol or Nurofen liquid and Bonjela or similar might help.

I really do sympathise, DS is 19 months and has only had a night's sleep once in his life (he did 8-5 once, 4 months ago!). We go through phases like you have described every few weeks and each time I think I'm going to go mad but we get through it somehow and he's getting better all the time. Hope you feel better soon

Thank you so much fairmidden (good name), you've made me well up by being so nice. I really needed to hear someone kind this morning, and good advice too. I must remember, this too shall pass.

It really will!