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Original poster

Controlled Crying

17 replies

carrie81 · 10/02/2009 21:54

I need help on CC my baby is 11 months old now and would only go to bed if rocked in my arms. I started CC 3 nights ago. I bath her, give her a bottle and read her a story, I then put her in bed awake. Try to settle then leave the room. Going in a 5 10 15. First night took about an hour and 2nd about 30ish mins both nights she pooed (which she never does) then tonight she has went to bed and cried for 5 mins I settled her and left but as I was leaving she was crying, then I went after10 and she was sitting in middle on cot just sitting there playing with a dummy silent. I felt awful she looked so sad, and every time I went in she was doing the same until 5 mins ago she went to sleep with me patting her back for 2 mins. Is this normal does her going silent and just sitting in her cot mean I am making progress?

OP posts:

NumptyMum · 10/02/2009 22:08

Oh my heart goes out to you! I've not done controlled crying, DH is sleep master in this house - he has his own routine of gentle play with DS in the cot which ends with him patting DS's back or stroking his face/head. It sounds like your DD is sad but perhaps accepting the situation... I'm sure someone will leap to correct me! Actually my HV recommended the No Cry Sleep Solution book but I can't recall any advice from it, other than slowly and gently does it.

fishie · 10/02/2009 22:11

well if your aim is for her not to cry for you then you have achieved it. was that what you wanted? why are you posting?

lovelymama · 11/02/2009 13:02

Fishie - Carrie is posting because she needs some help with a problem so I don't think she needs people making her feel like a sack of sh*t.

I'm sure after 11 months of sleep deprivation and spending ages rocking your DD to sleep you haven't taken doing CC lightly. It seems to have worked for you in that your DD has learnt that being rocked to sleep isn't going to happen any more. The fact that she's sitting in her cot looking sad doesn't surprise me - if I'd been rocked to sleep for 11 months and then all of a sudden I had to get to sleep without it, I'd be a bit p'd off as well. But babies aren't like us - they don't bear grudges and they don't have the same memories that we do. She may just be sitting in her cot chilling out and winding down before going to sleep. If you feel like you want to pat her or comfort her then fair enough but just be careful not to waste the pain that you went thru for 2 nights by patting her to sleep. DD may get confused about what you expect of her.

I chose to do CC with DS after hours of research to make sure I was doing it properly. It is hard to do but it does help a child to settle themselves, which was helpful to my DS in the long run as he could get the quality sleep that he needed rather than waking every few hours to be rocked/fed back to sleep.

Hope you are ok Carrie and that you and DD have many good sleeps!

Bubbaluv · 11/02/2009 14:21

I would see it as a positive thing TBH. Sounds like she's realised that she doesn't need to get upset just beacuse it's time for bed. My bet is that the sadness ou percieved was more a projection of your own stress rather than an problem for your DD.
If she can learn to be calm and wind down gently and quietly on her own then that's a fantastic skill for her to have acheived.
Don't beat yourself up!

redybrek · 11/02/2009 14:58

That is the hardest bit. When they STOP crying. Just keep checking in on her so she knows you're there, and in a day or two she'll be sitting there talking to herself, if not actually asleep.

A lot of the time we project feelings onto our babies that actually are more about ourselves and our guilt.

White knuckle it some more and keep posting.

Original poster

carrie81 · 11/02/2009 19:57

Thanks for all your advice, and support so far tonight she is doing the same but I am being a bit tougher in my feelings and thinking I am a step closer to DD going to sleep on own. I will keep posting on how I am going, as last night I nearly just gave in but after so much hard work I dont want to. please keep any thoughts coming as they are helping me to know this is all part of the CC routine,
And Fishie yes I dont want her to cry but the reason I am posting is I dont want her to sit in her own cot in the dark awake looking sad, as I am sure no person would want that for their baby, sometimes the crying was easier than going in to see you sad baby sitting silent. I wanted to know if this was normal part of CC that is all.
Thanks again for all the support from all you other guys. x

OP posts:

Original poster

carrie81 · 12/02/2009 07:54

Ok thought I would give you an update, last night she was doing the same as I said in previous message, but I stuck with it and 15 mins after I posted this she fell asleep all by herself, then she woke up at 11 and it took 10 mins and she went back to sleep herself again, this is really working I am sure of it....Hope tonight goes to plan. I am very proud of DD and she is in a very good and playful mood this morning, must have been that sleep heehee.

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lovelymama · 12/02/2009 13:13

nice work carrie and good to see an update. i'm sure if you keep going she will keep doing well. beware of what no one told me though - it's common for DC to 'test' you after a few nights of progress so if she does seem to be reverting to old ways, just stick to your plan. I felt like we'd completely failed when DS started screaming again but it's quite common to have a regression!

redybrek · 12/02/2009 14:59

Ah yes, the 3 day rebellion i think I've heard it called. Ride it out.

Just one thing about the sitting there silently - don't we all need ten or fifteen minutes to 'zone out' before sleeping? This is exactly what she is doing. She'll do it lying down quite shortly, which is exactly what we grown ups do! Its unrealistic when you think about it for them to be asleep 'as soon as their head hits the pillow'. This is what WE want for them, because while they are silent we are imagining all sorts of sadness etc. This is not the case in a well cared for baby such as yours. Very soon she will have got the hang of zoning out and dozing off and will be doing it within minutes. When she is well established at the skill you will even be able to go in and give her a little tickle or something, make her laugh and then leave and you'll find her asleep with a smile on her face! And then one day she'll start to stop needing a nap and you'll be so confident that she knows her own needs that you will be able to go with the flow, if she's still sat up talking to her toys after 20mins, then time to put the nap back a bit

It's all rather simple really. Just hell to establish this long down the line !!

Tell us how you go on xx

Original poster

carrie81 · 15/02/2009 21:26

Hi everyone we are on day 9 and everything is great....DD for last 4 nights goes to bed chills for 10 and falls asleep, Regybrek you are so right about zone ou before sleep, my DH said exactly this to me that adults need time to chill so children are the same. I now realise that it was not saddness in her cot it was chill time. All of us now have the hang of CC and now its all great (hope it lasts as I feel we have mastered it). Thanks for your support, I am now off to relax with hubby after 11 months of having a baby awake its nice to have some time to relax together...BLISS .x

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lovelymama · 16/02/2009 12:28

ah, what a nice outcome. here's to lots of long lazy evenings with your DH.

CherryChoc · 16/02/2009 13:44

The zoning out thing - my DS is 4 months and ever since he was about 2-3 months (when he stopped sleeping on me and started having naps in his bouncer) he has a period 10-15 minutes before he goes to sleep where he sits there silently and looks right at you all dolefully, like he has given up, it used to make me feel guilty like I was ignoring him (as I had been cuddling him to sleep before) - until I realised he always does it before sleep and as you say it is a zoning out thing, not a depressed thing!

LiLiFordy · 16/02/2009 17:49

Hi all,
It has been very interesting reading your posts. I have a 3 month old (born 1 month early) which we walk around the house/rock to sleep. I really want to stop this now as he is getting heavier and my back is starting to hurt! I would love any advice you may have for a baby of this age. When he started gizzling today, I cuddled him and stood relatively still and patted his back - he screamed for 1 hr and was far to upset too put in his cot at any stage. He eventually feel asleep in my arms.
I am not sure what to do, as the crying is just too much (he dosent cry when we walk him around the house!). Any thoughts?

hanaflower · 16/02/2009 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

carrie81 · 18/02/2009 08:54

Hi Lilifordy, I waited until DD was 11 months to do CC, they say 6 months at the earliest, and as your baby was born early I would not recommend CC at this stage. when my DD was this age in the day I would put up her buggy and rock her to sleep in that for her day time naps, as it did not hurt my back and she was safe when sleeping allowing me to do other things. And at night I would after bath keep her in her own room I would sit on chair feed her and not talk to her just keeping lights low, she hated it for 2/3 nights then got used to it. It is just what works for you at the moment. Keep posting letting us know how you are going. xx

OP posts:

morningpaper · 18/02/2009 09:00

Lili I think that now there are no child "experts" that advise cc before 12 months as a minimum (but I am happy to be corrected). Your 3 month old needs to know that someone is there for her. Please do not consider this course of action while she is so young.

lovelymama · 18/02/2009 14:57

Hi Lili - think you've got the message from others that CC is definitely not suitable for a young baby who cannot understand what you are doing when you go through CC. Your baby is so young and wants to be close to you...it's bloody hard work when you have to rock them to sleep but believe me, if you embark on CC now, you will just have a screaming baby who won't go to sleep. My theory is that lots of babies just sort themselves out sleep wise when they hit 5 or 6 months so hopefully you will be one of the lucky ones that this happens to....I wasn't but know lots of people this happened to!

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