Feel I'm gaining nothing from this co-sleeping arrangement

[MrsHD]

We've had one really good night, having been co-sleeping about 4 nights now. The rest have involved me having to flob my boobs in DS' direction all night - last night's best stretch of sleep was 2 hours with everything else between 20 mins and half an hour. I resent swapping my husband for my son in our bed (no, we won't all fit), I don't feel like I'm bonding with my son because it feels like all he ever does is cry and I can't satisfy him. He's crying upstairs now with DD.

I don't feel gushes of maternal love (though I do love him, just not in a babymoon gazy way), I feel cross and horrible and like I want to stick him in his cot at night, which is mean at 19 days. I just want to enjoy something of this and it feels like there's nothing to enjoy and no escape from a grizzling baby. Help!

i would say all the obvious things, like speak to your health visitor/GP about PND and try to get lots of sleep during the day.

have you tried baby massage? it's meant to be good for bonding and relaxation.

how you feel just now is not how you're going to feel forever so try to remember that.

It is not mean to put him in his cot to sleep!

if you don't want to co-sleep, don't but remember that at this age, you don't get a lot back full stop. cot or co-sleeping, they are programmed to wake all night and cry etc - they are really ever so tiny and this bit will pass. It will improve, he will get to a stage where he's not feeding quite so often, but the thing is, if he was in his in cot he'd probably be feeding that often anyway so no real advantage. Any chance of a moses basket next to the bed or something? that way you could still have your own bed but have him close by. I think the horrible thing is that you have to accept that no good nights at this stage is the norm, you hear about those rare babies who sleep well when newborn but most don't. Hang in there, this will pass but I know how excruciating it is at the moment.

Thanks, I need these reality checks, esp after a crap night! Main reason we started co-sleeping was that I was spending literally hours trying to get him back to sleep after a night feed, which felt like the most monumental waste of sleeping time. At least being in bed with him I can rest for the time he's awake or wanting to nibble and it probably does make a difference to how I feel.

I wonder if he's getting enough sleep this way? He has 2-3 hour stretches in the day, max of two usually, and sometimes at night. He's done really well at night sometimes, there's no rhyme or reason at his age. He's yawning now at nearly 9am, but won't go off to sleep without help, and if that sleep involves holding/carrying/patting him (often all three simultaneously) he'll often wake when he's put down. I'm not an attachment parent, esp with how I'm feeling atm, and I do need to be able to get away from this apparently unsatisfiable creature.

I know I'm about to jinx it but he's sitting in the kitchen in his bouncy chair nice and quiet atm, having just had a big boob feed. I think he gets bored sometimes and wants a change of scenery.

Just to add, I don't think it's mean to put a tiny in their cot and we have done it for nights as well as naps, it was more that I felt like sticking him in there and leaving him there! I so want to bond with him - I'm hoping once he starts smiling it will all feel a lot easier. He's nearly three weeks old, three weeks none of us will have to go through again and which we have survived! I find weekends harder as there aren't the usual groups and visits to friends to keep me going. Monday again tomorrow and off out with DS and my friend. I should be driving again in a week (had a c-sec) and that will help too, to make me feel a bit more normal.

Thanks for letting me whinge!

MrsHD, I feel your exhaustion!! My ds was like that. If he wasn't latched on, he was crying. This went on for around 9 weeks (IIRC) and then ping all of a sudden he started being able to go a couple of hours awake without being latched on.

I know you say you are not an attachment parent, but have you tried having him in a sling? That would mean that although he is still being held by you, you would still be able to do other things.

Re the getting enough sleep thing. I worried about that with my ds as well, but it seemed that although his jaw was moving and he seemed to be feeding, he seemed to be able to do it in his sleep so was getting plenty.

feel free to whinge - this bit is really tough, specially after a section, i remember that feeling when I finally liberated and could drive but it felt scary too, constantly worried that my scar would open up (it never did). Even if you're not really an attachment parent I think at this age you have to accept that he doesn't know how to self-soothe - for the past 9 months he's been cuddled and rocked to sleep in your womb - hearing the pat, pat of your heartbeat. It makes sense that newborns like being held, like being rocked and like being patted, it's the closest they get to being back in the womb which is quite frankly where they'd probably rather be at this stage. have you heard of cozy cocoons? - they really helped my dd to settle as newborns like to feel contained. kind of swaddling but really really simple.

I'm so waiting for that ping moment lol!

Just don't do what I did and go mad with the housework when it does happen! Take it easy.

sorry, uk link here

I know exactly where you are coming from and just wanted to give you a virtual hug and tell you it does get better.

I am a human dummy as well my 6 month old DD3 cannot sleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch, on a good night we are up at 12 and 4am, on a bad one she can wake about 4 times and you see her flailing about searching for a boob and latching onto anything and everything in a vain attempt to find it, and getting more frustrated everytime she does.

What saved my sanity is a bedside cot, she starts the night in there but whatever side she is "on" she moves during the night, it also makes out bed a lott bigger IYSWIM and she cannot fall out of the cot side too.

It's completely normal he is so young and the first month or two are hell, he's not been out your body long and all he wants to do is suck and have Mummy close.

Would also think about getting a sling for him for during the day too.

It took me a lot longer than 19 days to really bond with ds2, so give yourself some time on that one.

I co-sleep with ds2 and wonder what the point is sometimes but then I remind myself that he will benefit from the incredible sense of security of me just being there when he needs me. Feeding patterns are chaotic in early days anyway, it will settle down soon and you will also get the hang of the whole thing (I found it was not as easy as it looked!). If you want to do the cot thing, then no problem but reading "Three in a Bed" really helped as it talks about the many benefits of co-sleeping, not just (but not least) the more sleep option.

Good luck!

PS oh and another vote for slings here too!

With a bedside cot, do you roll over to the baby to feed or bring them into bed with you or what? It's putting DS back into his cot after feeding that wakes him so I want to avoid anything like that. Also how do you swap boobs? Then again, I'm spending half the bl**dy night awake anyway so maybe I should just go back to soothing him to go back in his cot in his room? Aaaargh, just dunno what to do and I miss my husband lol!

Sorry, just to add: DS doesn't seem to like being swaddled, he always fights his way out of it and won't have his arms contained, it drives him mad. Love to Cozy Cocoons, they look gorgeous, but I'm not sure he'd tolerate one. It's the kind of thing you need to borrow! Was wondering if I could borrow a bedside cot from someone but then you get into the whole cot mattress business. Something tells me I'm overcomplicating this!

Just want to ask if you are winding him at night?

Sometimes mine gets really whingy and seems to want another feed when really he just has a burp waiting to emerge. Jostle him upright for a few minutes after a feed, see if it helps some.

(You can do this against your shoulder if he is asleep/drifting off - just get yourself semi propped up and his wind should come out!)

I've wondered about this winding thing - I avoided it for the single reason that I would then have to put him down again which seems to be the root of all problems, but if I'm patting his back it might be okay as he finds that soothing anyway. For me the whole point of co-sleeping is to minimise disturbance for night feeding, so we'll see how winding goes. Have recently started using Infacol and can't decide if it's helping or making DS want to bring up wind that otherwise wouldn't have caused much of a problem.

I feed DD2 to sleep on my right side so she is in the cot to start with IYSWIM so I am kind of half in the cot half in my bed, I also have a trick of feeding her on a blanket then kind of pulling her across a few inches into her own cot, on her first waking, I move her to the middle of the bed and move myself so I am practically in the cot and she has plenty of room in the bed, then next waking she goes back in the cot.

I don't change her unless she's done a poo or wind her, she feeds herself back to sleep so she must be ok with wind. I usually fall asleep again when she is feeding and at some point she must latch off and go to sleep. DP often says the two of us are cuddled up, her against my boob.

Yes it can really make a difference ime (though I seem to forget to do it quite often!)
Not sure about the infacol, should be ok without it.
just raise him onto your chest, get yourself into a bit more of an upright position temporarily, rub his back or rock him or pat gently. Just being upright ought to allow the air to escape.

Good luck

I was where you are (DS is now 13 weeks!), we got an Amby Nature Nest and it solved all our problems. He felt cocooned and safe and when they wriggle it swings so is soothing in that regard too :0

How do you feel about using a dummy to help settle? We started using one at about 3wks once BF was established (got rid of it at 16 wks as it was disturbing sleep) but when DD was tiny, it sved me from insanity. It helped settle her and calm her and also meant that I wasn't a human dummy. She was in the moses basket next to me so I could just lean over and plug it back in.

Am wondering about a dummy, having never been keen previously. We used one for about three days with DD - can't remember why we started or stopped, but it might be worth a try with DS. He's trying to suck his thumb but can't get it in his mouth with any accuracy yet, but I'd rather encourage that than a dummy, it's simpler and can't get lost!

Would absolutely love an Amby or vibrating seat etc, but just don't have the budget sadly. Would also like a sidecar cot but don't have the budget for that either and DH doesn't think the cot we have, passed on from a friend (with new mattress), would withstand being partly dismantled again, as it's been up and down a few times in its life. It's not designed to be a sidecar cot.

For now I guess we just go with it, and perhaps around the six week mark (nearly half way there!) we see if we can get any routine underway and what effect that has.

There are various risks to giving a dummy this early MrsHD

Info here will help you make an informed decision.

I'm not keen on a dummy, unlikely to go that route. A clear pattern is emerging of DS falling asleep on someone around 6.30/7pm and staying that way for a couple of hours. I think I'm going to move the cot back into our room and try to get him to go down for that sleep in his cot. I can co-sleep with him later if nec, but if he gets used to some cot sleep it might be less of a struggle later to get him to spend more of the night in it and eventually in his own room.