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Sleep

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Original poster

Is Crying-It-Out for a 10 month old acceptable?

16 replies

Tallulah1978 · 04/01/2009 22:55

My 10month old son is sporadic in how well he sleeps, and with how quickly he goes to sleep after his bedtime routine - sometimes, straight down, straight to sleep at 7.30pm, wakes around 11pm for a breastfeed and then bck in his cot, then around 2am will come in with us and latch on a couple of times before he wakes around 7.30am.

But, occasionally, and more often recently he will resist wanting to go to sleep and after trying everything, I know that he is really tired and needs to go to sleep, have done all I can and he wont be held or rocked, just wriggles and throws himself about I have resorted to putting him in his bed, soothing words, stroke his head and then leave the room and left him to cry himself to sleep. I do find it distressing when I've done this, but family members say it's the best thing sometimes to 'just leave them'. I just sit there and can't concentrate on anything else, or talk to anyone as I find it so distressing and my husband repeats the mantra 'a baby never died from crying' (told to him by a health visitor'. I have started to think that it is the right thing but now after the 3rd night this week of DS carrying on until 10pm I looked up on MN only to discover that a lot of people think it's really wrong. Is it damaging? Should I be in there with him? I thought I was doing the best thing.....but now I'm really doubting myself.

What are people's opinions on Crying-It-Out (CIO). (sorry if a bit rambly - so used to rushing everything nowadays!)

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Racingsnake · 04/01/2009 23:14

I found this book really helpful - description from Amazon:

A breakthrough approach for a good night's sleep--with no tears

There are two schools of thought for encouraging babies to sleep through the night: the hotly debated Ferber technique of letting the baby "cry it out," or the grin-and-bear-it solution of getting up from dusk to dawn as often as necessary. If you don't believe in letting your baby cry it out, but desperately want to sleep, there is now a third option, presented in Elizabeth Pantley's sanity-saving book The No-Cry Sleep Solution.

Pantley's successful solution has been tested and proven effective by scores of mothers and their babies from across the United States, Canada, and Europe. Based on her research, Pantley's guide provides you with effective strategies to overcoming naptime and nighttime problems. The No-Cry Sleep Solution offers clearly explained, step-by-step ideas that steer your little ones toward a good night's sleep--all with no crying.

ches · 05/01/2009 02:48

Your DS is probably:

going through separation anxiety
learning how to walk/crawl
going through a growth spurt
teething, maybe even molars.

If CIO hasn't made any difference after 3 nights, then it's not helping, is it? There are far more gentle methods and really CC should be a last resort after PU/PD, NCSS and/or CC have failed.

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 05/01/2009 05:13

Well, personally I think that crying it out is a horrid thing to do to a baby. You did ask. Your every instinct is telling you this is not right for you or your baby. I do sympathise - it's awful when you can't do a thing with them and you know they're tired. There is no magic solution.

meandjoe · 05/01/2009 07:13

if you are feeling the way you describe then it is doing you no good. there will be a reason he cries, if it's separation anxiety the worst thing you can do is leave him to cry as he'll get more and more anxious about being left and it'll prolong the crying and scare him even more. if it's teething then he needs comfort/ feeding/ soothing. if it's him just not wanting to go to sleep, imo he would only cry for a few minutes then pass out through exhaustion.

MrsBadger · 05/01/2009 09:06

agree that if after 3 nights it hasn't worked then it's not going to

dd went through phases like this - exhausted but not wanting to be held, stomping round her cot, rattling the bars etc
I'd sit in the room with her while she got it out of her system and usu after 10min (though sometimes much longer; DH and I did 20min shifts) she'd be so tired she fell over and wail to be picked up - then she'd be calm enough for me to settle her in my arms and/or feed her.

pudding25 · 05/01/2009 10:02

Ferber is not CIO, it is controlled crying -a big difference IMO.

backalleysally · 05/01/2009 10:14

My 10 month old DD has just started fussing and crying at night too. She goes down in her cot well at 7pm but when she wakes in the night for a BF she refuses to go back into her cot afterwards. Previously there was no problem with this...I would just put her down and she was fine.
Personally with my DD I think it's separation anxiety as she also cries when I leave the room during the day and she didnt do that before either. In order to get some sleep and not wake up my DS I have resorted to having her in bed with me and DP where she always settles and sleeps well. We havent co slept before but needs must!
I could leave her to 'cry it out' as I know she is crying for a reason IYKWIM. She is usually a very quiet laid back baby so for her to cry like this she must be in distress. I'm just hoping that she'll grow out of it in time.

breadandroses · 05/01/2009 10:15

No it isn't, cuddle your baby fgs

backalleysally · 05/01/2009 10:15

That should be couldn't not could

Mooseheart · 05/01/2009 10:18

I don't think you should ever let a child 'cry it out', but I am in favour of controlled crying. A 10 mth old should by then be getting enough nutrients during the day not to need feeding at night. So unless ill, I think a 10 mth old is ready for controlled crying. Not crying it out though, never.

nowwearefour · 05/01/2009 10:21

yes i think it is fine. but i will be flamed for that as it is an unpopular thing on mumsnet. you have to decide how you feel about it for your childthough noone else can make that decision for you. it has worked for my second daughter. personally i think that if you always go in to the crying all you teach them is that you will always go in. they dont learn to sleep well. but as i say it is certainly not the right method for everyone so i wouldnt advocate it. only be willing to say that it worked for me. depends how much you mind your nights being interrupted i reckon..,.

Flightattendant7 · 05/01/2009 10:24

Tallulah, I'm sorry you're getting a pasting here, you sound like you just weren't aware that it might be a damaging thing to do for your baby, and I feel sorry for you getting flack.

Yes, CIO is not very good in a lot of people's opinions - i guess you can imagine how the baby might feel if nobody comes.

I think really you're not allowed just to 'give up' if he won't settle. By all means put him down but don't walk away, just sit by him, stroke him, etc etc

I think it's very sad to just leave him especially if it goes on for more than a couple of minutes (that would be about my limit, if he cried for 2 minutes then went to sleep - any longer and I'd have to go back to him.)

HensMum · 05/01/2009 10:31

Would he settle if you just sat in with him? DS went through a similar thing at 11 months after being brilliant at settling himself and we found that he'd sort himself out if we just sat in the room with him. Bit annoying (especially at 3am!) but it only took about a week and he was back to being OK at settling.
Try a comfort object too. A teddy or a blanket or something. DS didn't really latch on to his until he was about 1 but now it really helps.

Haylstones · 05/01/2009 10:32

Tallulah, how long do you leave him to cry for? Does he then go back to sleep for thes rest of the night or do you have to do it more than once.
Stricty speaking, I suppose I let my 10 mo ds CIO. He doesn't like being held or cuddled to sleep and sometimes I just have to leave him. He doesn't scream, just grumbles for a couple of minutes then quietens down and goes to sleep. If he does scream or sound distressed I would never leave him and I only let him cry if I know that he is fed, dry, warm and comfortable. He only does this when he goes down at 7pm and he's normally stopped crying by the time I've got to the bottom fo the stairs. It works for us.

Original poster

Tallulah1978 · 05/01/2009 15:18

Can I just clarify that it's not a 'horrid thing that I'm 'doing to my baby', I thought I was doing the right thing on the advice from generations before us (grandparents etc.) and helath visitors. Could I also add breadandroses that I have no problem with cuddling my son, in fact I find cuddlng my son and gazing into his eyes the most magical thing in the world thank you.

My son is a wonderful eater, 3 meals a day with breastfeed snacks morning, afternoon and before bed, so I am sure that he is getting the nutrients he needs. Of course I always make sure he is dry, warm and comfortable before I have left him, I am not an ogre. He feeds in the night as he is cuddling up with his mummy and daddy and we both still enjoy the bonding together.

I just wondered on people's opinions on crying-it-out as I never realised it was so controversial. I've come to the conclusion (using my very own mother's instinct) that the last few nights it's because DS has been getting up later in the mornings over Christmas and he just hasn't been ready for bed as early.

I often lurk on MN and it sometimes takes courage to actually post and ask a question as I find that people on these forums are somehow always looking for a scrap. Thanks for your mixed bag of responses - I'll continue lurking when I need to, and the rest of the time trust my instinct - I can't be going far wrong - he's a very happy healy little boy.

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Original poster

Tallulah1978 · 05/01/2009 15:43

that should read 'happ, healthy little boy'

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