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Original poster

controlled crying with 19mo not working!

30 replies

claribelle · 25/06/2008 09:50

Well, having been pretty much against cc until now, I finally got desperate enough to try it - going in after a minute, then adding 2 mins and on and on for up to 2 hours - and it just doesn't seem to be working! It worked for the first week or two. The first night was amazingly easy! I only had to go in twice and he was asleep by himself with hardly any crying at all. But then something changed this weekend and he doesn't cry much, but he has the willpower to shout and call for me for 2 hours at bedtime, until I finally give in and stay with him because i feel sorry for him being so tired. Plus its just stressful for me and dh!
I know that sounds like its giving and ruining it - but it worked before, so why not now? Maybe its just making him worse? Am thinking of abandoning it completely. The idea was that he would also stop waking 1 - 3 times in the night, which he hasn't either.
Sorry, long rant....any ideas? Maybe try gradual retreat instead? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
claribelle · 25/06/2008 09:52

Do you think maybe he has bad separation anxiety at this age, so I could leave it, go back to staying with him til he falls asleep, and then try again at a later date?

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katpotat · 25/06/2008 14:19

We did CC with our 14 month old a couple of weeks ago, I was against it too, but after two hours sleep i finally agreed we had to try this.... you have to be firm though, we started with 5 mins moving up to 10 and then 20mins on the first night. Second night started on 10 mins then 20 mins, moving to 45mins. It took three long heartbreaking nights. She is sleeping through the night now, settling herself if she wakes.
I feel like a new woman too
Good luck

Original poster
claribelle · 26/06/2008 03:05

Thanks Katpotat, its great that it worked for you and your dd. But am thinking maybe it just doesn't work for all lo's, as ds seems sooo determined not to give in and sleep! I think if it had happened easily I would be happy, but now I am thinking to abandon it and accept poor sleep in the hope that one day he will just naturally sleep through....Oh god I hope so anyway! Well, at least thats my thought for today...just seems too stressful for both of us to keep trying it this way
But maybe I will find a more gradual approach towards him self-settling...???

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egypt · 26/06/2008 03:11

i am like you claribelle. my 15 mo is a bad sleeper. we tried cc and am still doing it but it's not really doing much. for a week she cried for about 1.5 hours, it didn't lessen. when she eventually went to sleep she still woke once or twice more in the night, no different. maybe we have to do it in the night too. i give her milk though, it's the quickest way to settle her.

however, last 2 nights i have put her down and she hasnt really cried, just moaned a bit - but for 1.5 hours! crying on and off. i do still keep going in and resettling until she falls asleep by herself. night wakings are the same.!

Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 02:39

Hi eqypt,
How is it going with you lo now? We just gave up with cc for now. It seems to have made him more stubborn and determined not to be left alone! Last night he woke in the night and we used to be able to encourage him to lie back down and go to sleep - but he remained standing, not crying but shouting if we left, for an hour, until we couldn't take it anymore and took him into bed, whereby he promptly lay down and immediately slept! I know he is completely getting his own way and we are not consistent, but I really don't know any more! It is so hard being this tired every day after so long, I am a bit depressed and hopeless about it!
I hope its going better for you

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Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 02:41

maybe it will work for you soon, because you are still letting her eventually fall asleep by herself - I'd be interested to know!

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kkdmom · 27/06/2008 03:34

claribelle, we went for the practical solution of whatever works to get the majority of people the most sleep in the house. that was co-sleeping. please don't beat yourself up for doing what comes naturally and works best for parents and children from the dawn of time. and no, your son is not being stubborn or getting his way, neither are you 'giving in'. it is a loving thing to listen to your child's needs and re-negotiate the boundaries.
what he is asking for is neither wrong or weak of you.

oh, i do realise that cosleeping isn't for everyone, but still, don't feel bad about addressing his emotional needs, even if it is temporary solution.

Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 08:48

kkdmom, I agree with you. I just went to cc out of desperation but now that he's resisting it so strongly, am thinking why not give him what he needs? I just hoped that there was an easy way to get some sleep! We co-slept until he was 10 months but he would wake every 2 hours to bf, so thats when he went into a cot. I guess we will keep trying things to make it better for all of us.

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kkdmom · 27/06/2008 08:58

sounds like dd at 10 months too. do you still bf? I was at 19 mo and when she was feeding too often during the night, sometimes when she was stirring I could pat her back to sleep and 'stretch' a bit. Then would feed her at the next waking then would (try) to pat her at the next waking. It helped to make the gaps longer for a time but as she got lots of colds at nursery she wanted/needed more frequent feedings which meant we went back one step.

Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 09:26

Yes, still bf but only once in the night - usually about 4am, and am planning to drop this soon. How old is your lo now? does s/he sleep through the night now?!

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Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 09:27

sorry - she! Just saw you wrote dd

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kkdmom · 27/06/2008 10:30

she is 3yo 2mo now. I mostly feed her at bed time and waking up. She loves her bfing and as she goes to nursery FT I have seen that it has really benefited her wrt colds and flu. Sometimes though, as said when she is getting ill she wants a quick feed at night and i do this.

I guess you can say she sleeps through. From 8pm till 5ish, sometimes till half past 6.

EffiePerine · 27/06/2008 10:32

Maybe try gradual retreat instead? DS's sleep seemed to regress again at around this time, so maybe not a good window for sleep training - leave a few weeks and try again?

Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 10:53

How did you do gradual retreat Effie? what happened and what did it change?
Thanks

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EffiePerine · 27/06/2008 11:05

well, we did CC at 15 mo (getting DS out of our bed and no feeds). At about 18mo he started waking earlier and earlier for his morning feed, and talking to other mums waking more at night/horrendouldy early in the morning is pretty common for that 18-20 month period. It's settled down again now.

Gradual Retreat is where you gradually leave them to self-settle. So you start by rocking to sleep, then patting in cot, then sitting by cot, then moving your chair further towards the door. The No Cry Sleep Solution describes it pretty well. I know it's worked really well for some people

There's no harm in giving various methods a bash, then changing/pausing if they don't work.

Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 11:13

thanks for your help - i have the ncss book - I will read up on it again. what worked for you in the end?

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EffiePerine · 27/06/2008 11:15

Well, CC worked reallt well to start with (in one night) so I think we hit a good window. The later problem was alleviated by cutting out the morning bf (straight to breakfast instead) and putting up blackout blinds. He's still up early (usually by 6, sometimes 5:30) but it's manageable.

Original poster
claribelle · 27/06/2008 11:20

okay...good to know, thanks

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whenwillisleepagain · 29/06/2008 22:16

Hi Claribelle, my DS is 19 months and DH and I are yet again having a 'sleep summit' when we sit with a large glass of wine and a pile of sleep books, saying 'we must sort this out'. Usually we drink the wine and decide that we have to do what feels right for us! So I totally come down on the side of finding something that enables everyone to get enough sleep to function. We were doing well on the gradual withdrawal method but it went to pieces last week and tonight I've been beside myself after having to revert to holding DS's hand for ages while he goes to sleep. Our biggest thing to deal with is moving him to his own room, but our flat's a funny layout, which I admit, we use as an excuse not to get on with it. We both agree that we have mixed feelings about DS being in a room quite some distance from ours, so we muddle along with DS coming into bed with us half way through the night. We only have him and I can't imagine what it's like for those of you with other LOs.

Having said that, DS was particularly upset during one night a few weeks ago and I decided that this was due to his age and life being perplexing for him or maybe me stopping BF which I did a few weeks before that - only to find 2 days later that he had a perforated eardrum. Anyway, off to try and get some sleep! Good luck.

Original poster
claribelle · 30/06/2008 08:30

Hi whenwillisleepagain - i am wondering the same thing! (when i will sleep again!) thanks for your message. Poor your lo and poor you about his ear - i hope he's okay now. Well its comforting to hear someone else with a 19mo who ends up in bed with them every night! Its just whatever works now, thats what I've decided... And I am holding on to the hope that one day he will miraculously sleep all night!

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egypt · 30/06/2008 13:46

hi claribelle

sorry i see you asked me how it was going a few days ago. well, dd slept through for the first time last night - in ages. she hadnt slept at all yesterday. by 7 she was shattered - drank her bottle and put her down - not a murmer. (previous to last night she had been going down but crying/shouting on and off for an hour and a half, remember? and still waking in the night). she slept through until dd1 woke at 645 and shouted for me. it would have been longer otherwise.

tonight (i'm in singapore hence time diff), she went down at 7 after her bottle, once again, without a murmer! and she did have a good nap today. q amazed. im sure it won't continue and she will prob wake tonight, but i am v pleased. seems the message may have finally got through. at least at bedtime. she goes down, she may shout, she may cry a bit, but we won't get her up, just go in and say night night, shhh and lie her back down with her bear.

as for nightime wakings - it's still going to be the bottle of milk. i can't face the crying in the night. yet. i will, i did it before with weaning from the breast. i know she can go 12 hours without a feed. she did it for about 2 weeks. but i can't do it again just yet.

Original poster
claribelle · 30/06/2008 22:28

Hi Egypt, so you think the cc worked? How many days/weeks did it take then? Maybe you won't have to deal with the night wakings anyway soon, because it will just stop. fingers crossed! We are still having some terrible nights and both of us getting really stressed sometimes, mainly dh and we end up snapping at eachother. its terrible! he is just so over it because of work pressures etc and always being so exhausted. i stopped doing the cc about 4 or 5 days ago and felt more at peace about it, but in the night I was thinking about letting him cry it out! not seriously though, i don't think I could actually do that (not even cc I mean, just letting him cry) its just that fantasy about something actually working...! oh well I am finding mumsnet strangely comforting..

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egypt · 01/07/2008 07:03

Hi Claribelle

Well I'm not sure how long it's been. Feels like we have been doing this forever on and off. But this time, it's been since the middle of june. So about 2 weeks! However, she did wake last night. At 1030pm! Terrible! I went to her after leaving her for 5 mins to see if she'd settle. I stroked and shussed and laid her down. She was not happy. Left her again for 5 mins but no luck. Gave her milk. She went straight down. Then woke again at 6am. This is too early for me - so gave her morning milk in her room and stuck her back. She slept until 8 which is more like her anyway.

That coupled with dd1 coming into my bed at 2am kicking me all night resulted in one of my crappier nights!

I'll keep you posted.

She did just go down for afternoon nap with not much more than a moan for 2 mins

potatofactory · 01/07/2008 08:51

I've got to say CC didn't work for me, but my DD was only 8 months. We were DESPERATE - she was never sleeping properly, and we were up pretty much hourly for months. When we tried CC she became increasingly upset each night for longer, not shorter periods of time - we gave up when we were entering the fourth hour of her being hysterical, on the fourth night. I really felt like I we might be traumatising her in a way that might impact on her long term,

She's 14 months now, and sleeps through - mostly. I don't really know how it happened (sorry), but I'm glad I didn't pursue the CC.

Lots of people I know are passionate advocates for cranial osteopathy for sleep probs in little children.

Original poster
claribelle · 01/07/2008 10:30

Hi potatofactory - thanks, i also heard about cranial osteopathy but i thought it was just for babies sleep problems, not toddlers? anyway, yes i can relate to how you feel about when you tried cc with your dd...
Egypt! sounds like things might be working for you with a set-back, but if not, I have just come across walk-in walk-out on the babywhisperer website ,and it looks like a good plan. Am going to wait a few days and then give it a go for going to sleep and night-wakings...I hope that once I start being consistent and determined will be the key!

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