FTM...struggling with my emotions at night!

[BusiBo]

I know no one will have the answer but guess I feel the need to share for some reassurance/advice or just a hand hold...

3 week old baby and a FTM, massively struggling with night times. In the day, baby will settle lovely in her dock a tot, she is currently laying in it, wide awake, quite happily watching me make breakfast. She'll do a few sleeps in there in the day, but needs supervising while in it, so no sleep for me.

At night, she is wide awake and wont even do a few minutes in her moses basket without crying. Ive tried all the tricks, warming the mattress, waiting for deep sleep, swaddling, not swaddling, white noise.... done it all.

My partner works shifts so we are able to share and get some sleep but my main concern is my frustration/emotions in the middle of the night when she wont be put down. It can make me very tearful and very fed up! Should I just give up trying to settle her in the moses basket for now and stay awake so she can sleep peacefully on me, or should I keep trying in the hope it might work?

I have had many a silent(ish) cry in the middle of the night when a baby will just not settle again, it's so demoralising and depressing. Your baby is still so tiny and sleep will improve, she's doing what is normal and natural. I know that doesn't help with the reality of your emotions though!

I don't have much sleep advice other than I personally would persevere with trying to settle her in her own sleep space, as much as you can bear. And keep taking shifts with DH so that you can get at least 4 hours of sleep per night.

It is also totally ok to leave your baby crying for a few mins while you process your own frustration and anger in the middle of the night. I have done it many times where I've needed to hit a pillow or have a scream into a pillow when I'm at my wits' end. Then I take a deep breath and can deal with baby calmly because I got that frustration out away from them. If it's really impacting your mood please also have a chat with your GP or HV for more advice.

I hope things improve soon! She is still so tiny, in a month's time she could be a completely different kind of sleeper - everything is a phase.

I'd focus on accepting the night wakes rather than getting annoyed with them - they aren't going to stop anytime soon. I really like Helen Ball's book about baby sleep, it can help to understand and accept what is normal for baby and toddler sleep. If you need to leave her crying a few mins in a safe place and step away, that's best. it's completely normal for a baby to want contact with their parent, they have been inside your body for 9 months. I'd suggest you set up a safe cosleeping arrangement unless there is a reason to not cosleep (like smoking or medication), it is much safer to lie next to your baby on a mattress than it is to sit on a bed or sofa and try and stay awake because chances are you'll fall asleep and baby could fall or get wedged into the sofa. it doesn't mean you'll be doing it forever. I coslept from birth and mine is now 18 months and sleeps through the night in her own bed. Just do what works to maximise sleep for everyone. If you have a cosleeping set up you can also use that for naps, then you can nap to!

Radical acceptance helped me.

That and having little treats prepared for myself in the night. Eg a flask of hot chocolate, a favourite podcast, biscuits, even watching a bit of TV. I know all those things are not considered great for sleep (!) but feeling rubbish and all wound up won't help you rest either.

Oh I do feel for you @BusiBo . I went through the same with my first and that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and sheer exhaustion in the middle of the night is horrible. I echo what a previous poster has said about listening to a podcast or watching tv - it at least takes your mind off things for a bit. I gave up on the moses basket, my DD clearly hated it, and she slept better in her cot from quite early on. I know it feels never-ending right now, but it will end - well sort of, DD is 20 now and still a night owl, but at least she doesn’t keep me up with her!

@INeedaDietcoke thank you for your honest reply - I think I'll use the pillow scream, 😂 I guess its not about it being pretty, just about us both getting through. I so hope your right about having a differenr sleeper in a month!

@Peonies12thanks for your reply. I could definately accept nighg wakings, its being constantly awake that I cant do. I've started considering co sleeping but it makes me pretty nervous. We attempted a co sleeping nap this afternoon and she still wouldnt settke on matress next to me! 😭

@BastetBabyI think acceptance ia important. I've decided tonight just to accept it for what it is and not attempt to put her down. Will be doing shorter shifts with DH instead and I feel less pressue. We will try again tomorrow night. Hot chocolate sounds good!

@Cheshireflamingoyes emotions are so heightend in the night. I am loving my day times with her, but the nights fill me with dread!

I think this is normal and pretty common. My DC3 is 1.5 and I have him currently wriggling around on me. I still sometimes feel like you're describing on the worst nights and so does DH. In the newborn days though I used to watch comedy on the telly and eat biscuits, I found that helped! That side of things I miss because my little one still doesn't sleep, but if I put the telly on or tried to eat a biscuit he'd think it was time to get up and then there'd be no hope of resettling him, so I actually find it harder now on the bad nights because I'm trapped sitting up in the dark for hours instead. Anyway hopefully your little one will be a better sleeper sooner like my other 2!

Mine are all big now, but I remember this. Sleep matters more for you than for her. She’s too wee to understand day and night, all she knows is “am I cold/wet/hungry/lonely/OMG what is THAT? <fart> <

Your post tells me you are bonded with and focused on your infant, and very, very tired. So you’re ahead of the game. I’d have happily left mine at the Kerb for the first 6 weeks, no joke.

outsource Evrything you can. Lie back, snooze, nap, be there for her and get time without her - a shower or a sleep or a 10 minute walk around the block.

in a week things will be easier, in 2 weeks more so and in a month you’ll read your post in amazement. Honest.

im not even remotely worried about you. You are on it, it just is a slog with newborns. I had about a million of them and hated the state you’re at every fucking time xx

@CarCarTruckJeepsitting in the darkness does sound tough! We did for the first couple of nights but then decided to get a TV in the bedroom, I couldnt do it without it! Hopefully your having a good nights sleep tonight!

@Seriestwothank you so much for your message - it made me smile and is really what I needed to hear! Your right....it will get easier! And I've been trying to find some time for me. I walked to the shop alone today and it felt like I could breathe for the first time in weeks 🥰

Hi,
My little one turns 2 next week and I remember these days or nights should I say like they were yesterday.
Please remember it’s not even just tiredness here, your hormones are literally everywhere. You need to give yourself so so much love right now, a nice shower before the night shift starts, a little snack bag for the night to pick at. The nights get much much easier but it takes time for both of you. So do whatever you can right now to get through each night one at a time. Co sleeping is a game changer as baby literally wants to feel close to you but I understand it’s scary and I was the same it took me 18 months to do it! If I have another I’ll be in the floor bed and doing it from day one next time round. Im lay currently in the floor bed next to her putting her to bed now lol. I digress!
I think losing the expectation that baby’s just go in there cot helped me. I questioned myself on what I was doing wrong so much! Holding for 15 mins then 20 then 25… baby wake everytime you put them down! Not full enough, not warm enough, could it be to dark or to light? Baby literally just wants you! It’s heart breaking when you just want to sleep and feel how you do. Do whatever feels easiest to you with no pressure of what it should be like from the outside world.
I remember as the early evening approached I would literally get anxiety and so stressed about the night to come. It’s normal but doesn’t make it an easier pill to swallow!
Let your support network help you get extra sleep where you can. Forget house work and if you can’t sleep then rest your body at minimum. Lots of protein if you can. Electrolytes too!
You will get through this time xx