14 month old sleep chaos. On my absolute last straw.

[FruitPoppet]

Baby has never been a great sleeper, always needed lots of support to sleep and stay asleep. Most she's ever slept in one stint is 4 hours, and that's rare.

For the last month sleep has gone to absolute shambles. Early wakes, resisting bed time, resisting naps and waking EVERY HOUR over night and only settling if she can have boob. If I try anything else its an absolute horror show of screaming. She's having 8-10 full breastfeeds over night. Also frequently having a split night where she's awake 2-4am.

I thought maybe she was ready to drop to one nap? So we've been making the leap but she's now only napping for 1 hour in the day and still sleeping like shit overnight and looks shattered.

She eats LOTS in the day and had a bedtime snack, so I doubt she's hungry overnight.

I've been on an ENT wait list for over half her life, and the GP can offer nothing else in terms of support, even though I've said perhaps they can test iron/thyroid. I believe she has some kind of airway obstruction (she's always snotty, gets lots of colds, snores, mouth breaths, sleeps on tummy with bum high, gasps awake)

I don't believe in sleep training and I can't afford any kind of consultant or to go private medically.

I'm back at work and honestly feel like I might die from lack of sleep.

I'm so angry in the night because she's just sat up crying awake, ALL NIGHT. I feed her, unlatch, she wakes, cries more, rinse, repeat.

The only sleep she gets is if I sit up holding her so I can catch when she's waking and rock her back to sleeps or I just keep feeding her all night.

I thought it was a regression/teeth, but it's been a month and getting worse.

Dunno what I'm looking for. I'm just so tired that I'm honestly not enjoying being a mum at all.

Sympathy. Our 14mo has never done more than 3h in one go, but he's not cross about it and I don't think there's a physical cause. Do you have a partner? It sounds like shifts might be the only option for your health. Then you both get at least a 3-4h block with the other downstairs

OP, you say you don't believe in sleep training but honestly this sounds so awful that I think you should consider giving it a try? You can research the gentler methods, you don't need to just leave her to cry.

It’s usually teething.

I night weaned using the Dr Jay Gordon method: https://www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

My two were a bit older, though.

You poor thing, this sounds like torture.
I’m a big breastfeeding advocate but have you considered night weaning? I know it will seem an impossible task right now when it’s the only tool you have to get her to stop screaming and sleep but I sounds like she’d do better with sleep off the breast at night.

@Wherelandwe had started the process a few weeks ago. No boob for daytime naps and my partner was doing the first 1-3 wakes and rocking her. It worked for a week and then she started screaming for up to 30 mins, which is where I personally draw the line. Now she just screams when she sees him a night, I think because she knows I'll eventually come in. So we stopped because we felt the 2-1 nap transition and weaning was too much.

I've then been trying to shorten feeds in the day and night, but if anything it's made her want it more. She probably asks about 25 times a day, and I try to distract three times before giving in.

She asks before she even opens her eyes at night.i rock and sing in the first instance and she falls back asleep 1/10 times but wakes way sooner after.
Any advise welcome

@NoodBanaanwe cosleep as we live in a one bed cabin, unfortunately.

@PygmyOwlwe cosleep on a floor bed due to living arrangements so my options are limited. I also believe she had a medical issue at the route of a lot of this, so I'm reluctant to force something she maybe can't help

Sorry to hear this. I have a 10 month old and she is breastfed. Sleeps beside us on a floor bed. When times get tough I hold her at the back door to get some fresh air and look at the trees. That helps.
I also let her play in the front room with the lights on in a baby proofed area with plenty of books and toys and her usual bottle/tippy cup. Like in the day time, she'll let you know when she's fed up with it and you go and pick her up then.
End of the day we (mums dealing with this issue right now) all need a fresh perspective from time to time and try something new, not forgetting to keep safety in mind.
Hope this helps.

@FruitPoppetif you're back at work who cares for her then? Are her sleep issues the same?
You do have lots of barriers. The main one is that neither of you are having decent sleep. It's a vicious cycle.
Sleeping next to you is probably the biggest problem. At 14 months she's learned she has total access to you and 8-10 breast feeds overnight is no good for you or her and completely unnecessary.
Can she go in a cot in your living room instead? A dehumidifier might help with the nasal congestion.
And you won't resolve this now without some gentle sleep training. If you don't believe in it you need to resign yourself to several more years of awful sleep for all of you as her habits are now well established. It would actually be a kindness to help her learn how to sleep better, she will be a happier child for it.

It could very well be a sleep regression. We had the same as what you are experiencing and it took 6 weeks before it settled. My 2nd and 3rd children were both bad sleepers and nither slept through until two years of age. I was an exhausted mess all the time.

i appreciate you are in a 1 bed but would it be worth settling her in the living room in a cot and you have the bedroom? She might sleep better away from you

you have my sympathies op as it’s enough to break you. ❤️

Definitely sounds like an airway obstruction of some sort, I’d go back to GP or push for more urgent ENT referral if private isn’t an option. Even if gp would try a course of antibiotics in case of infected sinuses, tonsils, adenoids, ear etc and if that improved it it would show there is something like that going on. They never understand how severe it is, hammer home the gasping for air when waking. Take videos even.

My DIL didn't believe in it either but she was absolutely desperate with exhaustion as was son she bought the book and started. It was a long ten days she said but they cracked it.

With the snotties what worked somewhat for me was getting in the shower with son before bed. However, he had allergies the hospital eventually diagnosed. So that might be worth investigating.

I would say it's a medical issue - the mouth breathing is a symptom of an obstruction somewhere.

Big sympathies OP, this sounds hellish. I relate a lot as someone who is opposed to sleep training but needed sleep.

For my youngest two children I had to force wean them at ages 14 m and 16 m. With both I completely cut the day feeds out and their dad did bedtime. It was hard for everyone but they slept with rocking and cuddles and some tears, it could take a while. After a few weeks of this I went away for 3 nights and he did all the nights. Again, it was hard with tears but it’s not the same as leaving them to cry etc when they are being held and supported by their parent. When I returned they didn’t try to feed at all either time and sleep was sooo much improved. Neither slept through immediately and the youngest still often co sleeps at age 3 but we all get solid rest.

If you’re sleeping on the floor with her, could it be dust?

Mine was like this at 14 months - sympathy.
How long since you started trying 1 nap? It took mine a while to really transition, for a couple of months we were doing a very short buggy nap in the morning, then longer nap after lunch. But once she transitioned, it has made a massive improvement to her nights.
I personally found day weaning far more manageable to start with, mine started nursery at 11 months and I day weaned at about 14 months - yes there were tears but I found it much easier to handle as I could offer snack/cows milk/go out. And I knew she could cope without it after a few months at nursery. I think it also gets them used to you saying no, which in theory makes it easier overnight. Shortening feeds didn't work for us, maybe it works for some but for me I had to just say no, it was worse if she started feeding then I tried to stop. I think you have to accept that weaning comes with tears, but you or your partner will always be there to offer comfort. If you go for the sending your partner in approach, you really have to stay strong and not go in yourself.
Mine is 19 months now, 1 nap of about an hour and only BF at bedtime and she sleeps through. It's not been fun but it will improve. We've never sleep trained.

it does sound like a medical issue. Have you tried giving Piriton in case it is an allergy? Might be worth a try for a few nights.

"And you won't resolve this now without some gentle sleep training. If you don't believe in it you need to resign yourself to several more years of awful sleep for all of you as her habits are now well established. It would actually be a kindness to help her learn how to sleep better, she will be a happier child for it."

Frankly this is rubbish. You don't have to sleep train in any way. Especially with suspected medical issues. There's no 'bad habits'. We've never sleep trained and mine just got there when she was developmentally ready.

My youngest had a similar sleep pattern. Sometimes we even get double split nights, so awake for two bouts of three hours! She wouldn't settle for anyone other than me and boobs. But she wasn't angry (if I was there) and she didn't have the breathing issues.

I've not got any advice really, I just wanted to let you know that I didn't die from exhaustion! I lived to tell the tale. I did set a time that I would consider sleep training if things happened improved, but fortunately they did.

My child does have medical issues which emerged later, but as her sleep improved in between I don't think they were related.

The other question is when did you go back to work? If it's fairly recent it may be partially at least due to reverse cycling where they suddenly start wanting more attention and breastfeeding more during the night because they don't get it in the day. Same if you are trying to cut down in the day...

It's actually common for a baby sleep to deteriorate when mum goes back to work.

I'm back to work 2/3 days, she is with family/her dad the days I'm at work. And the poor sleep started a few days before I went back to work. So whatever instigated it, isn't work, but work could be contributing to it now.

I've been very conscious to connect lots on my days off and after work. I do bath/bedtime routine with her on the work days and we spend the hour before work just me and her/ reading/cuddling etc.

We've been trialling one nap for 2 weeks, but some days we end up with two naps. The days she has one nap she doesn't sleep long and ends up with a 6/630 bedtime, which just feeds the earlier wake time as she rarely spends longer than 11 hours in bed.

I definitely think she's in a cycle of overtiredness, I've always described her as high sleep needs and low sleep abilities! So we're focussing on enough daytime sleep today.

I understand the suggestions of sleep training, but I also feel like it's just not right for her right now. Especially with change in our lives and her potential medical issues.

Sleep apnea. If she's snoring and mouth breathing, you need to see ENT.

She's probably waking because she can't breathe. I wouldn't night wean until she's been seen and ruled out medical issues.

If she’s going to bed at 6.30 that may well be the issue, that’s very early for most children.

I thought my little boy had some medical issues - had his tongue tie cut twice, saw an osteopath regularly, pushed for an ENT referral because he snored and was so restless.

We used a sleep consultant at 8 months, she basically told us there’s no evidence for sleep regressions or over-tiredness causing sleep issues - we all just have a different “sleep tank” and most people are trying to get their babies to sleep more than they need. We tracked all sleep for ten days (used a tracking app and paused on every wake) - worked out the average hours slept per day which was 12.5 hours. From there we set a routine which allowed for 11 hours over night and a 1.5 hour nap in the day. So at 14 months we would wake at 7am, he would have a 1.5 hour nap at around 12pm and then bed at 8pm. He had to have a least 6 hours of wake time before bed to build sleep pressure for the night, so if the nap was later for some reason, bed time would be later too - but we would still stick to a 7am wake up to keep the routine.

How you put them to sleep and how you respond on the wake is how they “learn” to go to sleep. So if you have to decide where the line is and hold it.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you - I’m not rich by any means (small flat, no holiday in years, car falling apart) but we paid £400 for the sleep consultant and he has honestly slept through from 8 months to 2.5 years. We do the same routine, say goodnight and shut the door. He waves us off happily and sings his little bedtime songs with us. Sleep training gets a lot of negativity but for me it was 28 minutes of crying (we went in every 3 mins and spoke to him/ stroked his face) and done. I honestly feel like it’s saved a lot more tears in the long run!

I’m so sorry - sleep problems are so hard. My first was so tricky with sleep - a lot of similarities to what you describe. If you suspect some health issues push for that to be checked. We had to do a sleep study to rule out apnoea but they did other tests and realised he had a tongue tie and that was causing terrible reflux. I’d suspected both early on but been fobbed off and as he was gaining weight no one cared. I wish people had listened to me when I explained he never just woke up calm - he woke up distressed / crying every time. Is that similar? If I wasn’t there (we did shifts to survive) my husband had to give him water and took absolutely ages to settle him… so no milk didn’t help… anyway sending a massive hug. Sleep deprivation is the pits and I honestly thought I’d die from tiredness! But we got through and I am glad I followed my instincts about something being up.

This sounds heartbreaking. I'm here like many others to say push hard for that ENT appointment.

My son had similar problems with mouth breathing, constant snottiness, disrupted sleep etc. I asked repeatedly for an ENT referral but because he was putting on weight no one wanted to listen. Then when he got to about two and half it became apparent his speech was a bit delayed, so they did hearing tests, discovered he had hearing loss and from that we got an urgent ENT referral.

When I finally got to the ENT specialist he looked at me and asked why this child had not been presented to him earlier!!! To which I said, because no one had listened to my concerns. He said my son's tonsils and adenoids were enormous and no wonder he was having the problems I'd described. They were taken out within a few weeks. Recovery from the operation was truly awful but from there he never looked back. Now he's approaching his 18th birthday, hearing is normal, he's almost 6 feet tall and absolutely thriving.

Keep pushing for the appointment, good luck xx