5 yr old waking in the night for dad

[lilbooboo1]

I need help! 🙃 so my DD is turning 5 in may and I have worked nights since I went back to work when she was 1yr old. The problem is recently when I’m working and her dad has to put her to bed, she keeps waking up every 10-20mins shouting for her dad. This is obviously driving him mad as he’s not getting any evening time. Then i get it in the neck as he frustrated. When I put her to bed she sleeps fine and mostly all the way through till 6.30am. So I know she is capable of settling at night time. I have tried everything, A sticker charts, toy bribes or even threatened to take things away. Nothing is working and I’m going to loose my mind. I dread going to work and anxious the whole time I’m there. Some weeks I’m away one night but sometimes 3 nights. I choose this work as I don’t have to work a lot and it’s good money and I’m free in the day to do school run and stuff so I don’t really want to change the job. So wondering if anyone has had this problem and if you have any advice on how to sort this problem. Thanks in advance ❤️

for context-
I put her to bed every time I’m home
-She always go to bed in her own bed when I’m home. He did start that but then it ended up that she sleeps in our bed. He has tried to get her back in her own bed but that is another kick off
-He isn’t the most patient with her, it’s either calm or mad. Not good at the firm but fair thing. Since she’s gotten older the less patience he has got.

so a buddy of mine had a kid who slept through when she was away overnight but when she was there her DS got her up several times a night. He grew out of it.

Your situation though is clearly your DD reacting to the way your DP behaves / what he does. What is he doing to proactively resolve this? Why have you taken it on as your problem? It should be him seeking the answers / solutions, not you. Does he see parenting as 100% his responsibility? (You should both feel 100% responsible especially when in sole charge).

Classic MN reply: you have a DP problem not a DD problem.

(edited: I have assumed her dad is your DP and you live together…)

Yes what @JustForGoss said.
I suspect when he puts her to bed she knows that you are out of the house, so maybe cannot relax/sleep as much.

how bad is his patience? When you say he gets mad, what does this mean? Is she frightened of him?

This is definitely an issue with her dad. Your DD is clearly nervous and not able to relax and therefore sleep when you're away. Your partner needs to seriously sort themselves out, getting annoyed at a little child for waking up is just ridiculous, and the getting annoyed will just be making her more stressed and unable to sleep. describing him as mad is worrying me so much. he needs to learn what is developmentally normal for a child (eg what she's doing is normal) and how to manage his frustration and become more patient. Bribing or threatening to take things away from your DD for not sleeping is really cruel when it's her dad that's the issue, and doing that is teaching her to tolerate this behaviour from an adult, and not to seek comfort if she needs it. Of course it's annoying when your evening is interrupted but taking it out on the child is terrible

He’s not aggressive or anything just can get shouty very quickly compared to how I try to stay calm as possible for as long as possible. I’ve said all this a million times about finding solutions and trying to find a way to manage it. He has tried but it’s very unless it works straight away it’s given up on. I do think she won’t relax the same, she said it worries her that he falls asleep downstairs sometimes and that’s not helped

Well maybe this is something specific to stop doing so that worry is less for her "she said it worries her that he falls asleep downstairs sometimes and that’s not helped"
There is no excuse to get shouty with a child waking up. He needs a consistent plan to calmly take her back to bed each time she wakes.

OP her dad needs to build her sense of safety and security. Little kids are incredibly sensitive to any change in routine and she clearly needs extra reassurance when you are not there. That is normal. His response and expectations of her are not.

He needs to grow up a little, get into bed with her and settle his little girl till she is asleep - why can't she bed share with him when she is a little kid and her mum is at work? It is COMPLETELY biologically normal for small kids to need a parent with them at night. Sacrificing evenings is part of parenthood. Adults who expecting little kids to somehow skip their completely normal developmental need for parental presence at night time drive me bonkers. There is a difference in the supports kids needs.

If she can sleep on her own when you’re there she can do it when he’s there. Does he ever put her to bed when you’re in the house or only when you’re at work? If not maybe he should do so she gets used to both of you doing it and stops associating it with you not being there. I don’t agree that he should have to lie with her while she falls asleep. Particularly as she can do it when you’re there. He needs to be consistent and do the same as you do.

Not disagreeing with all the above about your DP. However, I do sympathise slightly. I have a 4 year old and a 6 month old and a paramedic DH so I’m often alone through the night. My kids are pretty good but guarantee you the night I really need to get something done is the nights they tag team me. I always stay calm though and he needs to as well. My 6 month old is a baby so just go with the flow with her but for my 4 year old some thing we do that might help you.

• invisible string book
• both having a drawn love heart they can press (and you tell them you felt it)
• later bed time. We started to realise that 7/7:30 wasn’t working for him anymore once he got past 3 and we do 8/8:30 now and he sleeps through to 7/8
• we have all the non screen devices, story dream machine, yoto, tonie box and he uses these in his room to fall asleep himself after his 2/3 books I read to him.
• picking a teddy each night. We have a teddy basket and he picks someone each night and they keep each other safe. Have all his favourites like paw patrol, spidey etc
• mounted night light with string above his bed that he can put on and off himself.

also I really find if I don’t put pressure on the conversation and just talk about things casually while colouring or doing jigsaws he is really good now at expressing his feelings. Maybe try that to find what she is scared off. But 100% stop the bribes and taking things away. Also as I say to myself most weeks ‘I can handle anything for only 3 nights’ if you are present and allowing your partner some free time in the evenings you are home he just need to suck it up and realise this is parenting.

Agree this is his problem to solve. If he can (be man enough to) do a few nights of being consistently firm, calm and reassuring as he puts her back to bed every time she gets up, that should do it. The shoutiness is a huge part of the problem here!

Sounds like weaponised incompetence. He needs to get better with her and hold his shite together. He needs to be patient and do the firm but fair- consistently - without shoutiness and sulking simply because it’s not easy. It’s unfair pressure on you if he’s not prepared to parent properly.

You know what approach works he just has to do it. He can’t do it differently or give up and then moan it didn’t go well. He needs a reality check that some nights parents don’t get any down time if they are doing their job properly. Yes it’s hard, yes it’s not fair - getting impatient and snappy and ‘giving in’ to whatever’s easiest for him makes it worse.