Need to sleep train my 2-year-old. Please help!

[DelilahBea]

Hi,

Hoping someone who has been through a similar experience can help…

My 28-month-old son was a good sleeper until my husband and I went away last year and left him with his grandparents and sister. Perhaps this was a mistake as he’s had intense separation anxiety ever since. We moved him into his sister’s room hoping it would help, it did for a while… until it didn’t. She started waking him up, screaming, which probably made him even more anxious.

So we fell into a trap of staying with him on a chair in their room until he fell asleep. He would then wake up several times a night, screaming and scared, crying for us. One of us would go down and sit on the chair until he was asleep.

This has now coincided with him needing to be in a bed. We tried to sleep train him in his cot but it was too late as he would start jumping out.

Current situation is this: we have to stay with him until he falls asleep. He now wakes up about 8 times a night, scared, and gets out of his bed (he has a gate on his room so can’t get out). His sister is sleeping in our bed so she doesn’t wake up. We have tried the chair method. We have tried leaving him to cry once when he was overtired, which was a mistake as he started getting very distressed. He’s an extremely sensitive, fearful child who is also very stubborn and determined. I guess it’s a tricky age to be doing this.

The upshot is we are all exhausted and haven’t had a good night’s sleep for months. Obviously we messed up and should have tried to sleep train him ages ago in his cot. We didn’t and now we are in the mess.

Does anyone have any advice please? Cannot carry on like this…

Thank you!

I'd consider bringing him in with you tbh, whether into your bed (I'm aware you already have your DD in with you though so space may be an issue) or a bed on your floor. Or could you and DH do one parent with each child for a while until his anxiety settles?

Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like sleep training would be a good thing. If he’s anxious and fearful, as you say, then it’s just not going to work and he will be distressed. Why can’t he come into your bed at night, at least until he feels a bit safer? He could start the night with you settling him in his own bed and then come to you when he wakes?

I should add the disclaimer that I don’t really believe in sleep training in most cases. My eldest child is older than yours and is very sensitive and still needs an adult to fall asleep, and comes into our bed in the night (doesn’t wake us up, just potters in and falls asleep). My middle child is 2y younger, a totally different personality, and sleeps independently all night. I think “training” my eldest would just lead to distress and less sleep all round.

Thanks for your reply. That isn’t a bad idea but I do worry that it will cause more problems in the long run. We did this for a month or so recently and it hasn’t helped. and what if it causes him to be even more dependent later down the line. Although I love co-sleeping in many ways, in others it’s not that beneficial (in terms of my relationship with my husband, for example). But perhaps you’re right… Maybe this is the only answer at this point

Thank you. I do worry about how sensitive he is…. So this makes sense. I just worry it may cause more problems than solutions

Seriously both DC on mattress in your room. He has separation anxiety how is sleep training going to work if he is fearful of being apart from you.

Is his sister older or younger? Is he upset that she gets to sleep with you and he doesn't? Did anything happen when you left him with grandparents that you can think of that prompted this change?

I would be tempted to put a mattress on his floor for one of you to sleep on. I think getting him to stay in his bed all night would be helped by someone else being in the room with him, so when he wakes he realises he's safe, not alone, and can go back to sleep. Ideally a separate mattress so you are close but not co-sleeping, if co-sleeping is not what you want. Then hopefully initially the night wakes reduce, because he feels safe in his room, and when they reduce you can reduce how long you or DH is spending on the mattress. It may take weeks/months.

My 15mo is a shaky sleeper and I have dramatically reduced co-sleeping by putting a sofabed in his room and sleeping on that when he is having a bad night. Just being close, sometimes holding a hand, is enough to get him back to sleep. We were basically co-sleeping in December, now I even get the occasional whole night in my own bed 🙌 so I'm hoping it continues to improve.

Bless him , he sounds traumatised from you leaving him. I would honestly cosleep to try to heal the attachment wound which will help his anxiety and then do something gentle to support sleep when he is over this phase, like the disappearing chair method

The best thing for independent children is secure attachment. My child coslept till she was ready not to, at 2 and 9 months, and she never shed a single tear on nursery drop off after the first day as she trusts me to be there for her and come when she needs me.

Careful with that advice. I did same but my kids weren’t ready until 8 and 10. That’s a lot of years of having kids in same room!!!

Only did it this way cos nothing else worked. But still. Hard years!

It doesn’t sounds like his temperament would suit Sleep training: I’d be looking at his schedule first; what his usual wake; nap and bedtime? I’d be sticking to a consistent wake; shorten the nap and later bedtime as it sounds like he isnt tired enough for the night. Honestly I’d get a double mattress and just share. Don’t worry about the future, just get the most sleep.

Honestly, which do you think would be more effective at calming and reassuring an anxious child: forcing more separation or providing ample comfort?

Maintaining intimacy with your husband might require a little bit of thought but it's definitely not impossible. How many bedrooms in your house?

I would get a minimum double floor mattress or low bed for your son if possible, so that one of you can co-sleep with him as much as is necessary for you all to get a good night's sleep.

If he’s waking up crying and scared multiple times a night after seeing that he’s alone and he’s gated in his room, sleep training is only going to worsen his anxiety and really wouldn’t be fair at this point.

I wouldn’t worry about dependence later down the line, it often has no correlation with co sleeping anyway. Just do whatever gets all of you the most sleep at this point in time.