Grumpy, and touched out from nights with my 17m old

[TokyoTantrum]

I am a sahm to a 17 month old, and for about the past 3 months, he has woken up almost every night between 1 and 4am. He won't go back to sleep without me there (he sleeps in a low frame single bed as he outgrew his cot), and throughout the rest of the night often irritates me to the point I can't sleep. I spend the night being headbutted, aggressively nuzzled in the throat, pinched, poked, and have had my eye scratched by him flailing arms about.

This means I wake up already feeling touched out and low on tolerance for him. If I have a good night's sleep, I can deal with him climbing all over me, whining or crying, but these days I feel like I'm a grumpy monster. I don't want him flopping about all over me, especially when I'm trying to fulfil a need like when I'm eating or messaging a friend. I find his whining incredibly irritating, especially if I'm doing something for him like making dinner in the kitchen and he's hanging off the baby gate screaming because he wants me.

I think we're getting into a cycle where he feels rejected by me so becomes more clingy, which makes me reject him more as I need space.

How do I break this cycle? I love him and don't want him to feel rejected, but I need to not be pawed at or climbed on all the time! It would be great if he could get himself back to sleep too, but I'm not sure it's possible as he's never been an easy sleeper.

Can you not sneak away once he's back to sleep? When my 16 month old occasionally wakes in the night, I lie with her until she's asleep again and can roll away. Usually about 20-30 minutes but at least I can go back to my own bed afterwards!

Or maybe get your partner to start going in with him? It might be a rough couple of nights but we did this and she wakes far less now.

I'm usually so out of it at that point in the night that I can't stay awake the 30 minutes it would take him to stabilise. So I fall asleep there with him and then get disturbed through the night. The other problem with going back to my own bedroom is that it's hard to drop off to my husband's snoring in full swing! 🫣

Kiddo won't be settled by dad if he knows I'm in the house. He will go from being awake and lightly crying to full on thrashing about and screaming. We tried getting his dad to put him to sleep after he woke at 23:30 tonight, and he wasn't having it.

Bah I really fancy some choccy buttons now too, having seen your username!

My dd was the same after I had fed her to sleep every night for a year. Did not want to entertain her dad putting her to sleep.

It's hard but we just had to push through a few nights of screaming and now she prefers daddy to put her to bed!

I fancy them so much but they don't sell them in the country I'm living in currently 😢. It's been a serious craving for the last month!

"especially if I'm doing something for him like making dinner in the kitchen and he's hanging off the baby gate screaming because he wants me." - well get him involved in the cooking? Mine is 16 months and she has a toddler tower in the kitchen so she plays with things/"helps" whilst I cook. Of course your toddler will be upset if you shut him out of the room you are in (I assume you have a baby gate on your kitchen)? Maybe he needs to reduce his nap duration so he stays asleep at night?

We have a toddler tower too. Now she just screams at me from that. We call it the tower of terror.

Plus, not all kitchen activities are toddler suitable like if I'm opening the oven door a lot or cooking something that has the potential to spit. I totally get how the OP gets overwhelmed when her toddler is screaming at her and she's trying to do something else because I get overwhelmed too. I just can't think straight with the screaming.

I'd prioritise some gentle sleep training. Everything will be easier when everyone is sleeping well.

I'd batch cook and look at other efficiencies to minimise the stress if trying to get stuff done while they whine/cry.

Make sure you're getting out the house as much as possible. Everyone feels better after fresh air/a change of scenery.

I hate it when my 3 year old climbs into our king size bed with us as I get the same. The starfish... the headbutts... the general flailing. I'm thankful he doesn't do it very often nowadays. And being on a single bed with him.... I just couldn't do it. Is there room for a bigger mattress on the floor? If you're going to sleep in there try to give yourself a bit more room? Things should feel less irritable if you were getting some decent sleep.

Also had the same with him not wanting Dad to put him to bed. We pushed through with alternating nights "Daddy really wants to read you a story and tuck you in tonight, I'll do it tomorrow" It was rough initially but succeeded eventually.

And agree with the previous poster that suggested getting him involved in the cooking. Although if making dinner alone is something you need for a bit of time out I can get why that wouldn't be so appealing.

It's a galley kitchen with gas burners. He would be a serious hazard in the way. Plus I'm not sure exactly which of my cooking processes would be adaptable for a toddler. I use big knives!

Is there a resource you can recommend for the gentle sleep training? I had a look at Ferber method but I couldn't see how it could work with kiddo not contained in a crib. He was fed to sleep until 13 months when he got a cold and gave up breastfeeding, and now I put him down and snuggle with him after reading together. I've tried sitting on the bed instead of snuggling, but this has only worked on one occassion.

We do try to get out every day. The big park in my area is mainly pond, so it can be a bit stressful, but I think it's important for both of us to get steps in and some stimulation that isn't the TV.

Cosleeping with a toddler is the worst so you have my sympathies.
Try looking up Hannah Love. She does the CALM method and has tailored courses.
I might have missed it in your OP but do they go to nursery? It sounds like you need some time to yourself!

We have ad-hoc daycare from the city that has to be booked a month in advance, day by day. I get 10 days a month if I can snag them, and they're really helpful

Last night (it's 7:30am Tokyo time), I did manage to sneak out of his bed after putting him down a second time. He woke up again at 4am and came to us and managed to be an okay bedfellow. I always worry about him sleeping in our bed though as when he was about 10 months old I pushed him out in the middle of a dream! 🫣🫣🫣

I don't co sleep with my similar aged child but I still sympthatise and they've still always been a terrible sleeper and me and DH are totally exhausted. I would split it with your DH though, you shouldn't have to sort it yourself. If your child isn't bonded enough with their father that they can't soothe them that's an issue imo. They might not love it at first but they will get used to it, the only way they can learn that their dad can give them that comfort is for him to do it and keep doing it.

I also feel you with the cooking issue. My older ones are 7 and 4 and I frequently have all 3 of them crying on the other side of the gate whilst I make them dinner. But I know from my older ones that this phase will pass eventually! (my bigger two are mostly just crying because they get stressed and upset by the baby).

He can soothe kiddo when I'm not there, but if I'm in the house then baby just wants his mum. Most nights my husband just isn't home by bedtime, but last night we tried dad doing full bedtime routine while I was in the bath. My son wasn't having any of it, he just came and stood at the door of the wet-room and whenever my husband would take him back to bed, he would howl.

We're going to try again tonight but I'm going to go out on a late jog instead.