Sleep regression advice please

[Sophie9898]

Please be kind — I know everyone has different opinions on baby sleep. Apologies for such a big explanation , just trying to paint a picture of our approach so far to find advice that fits. I’m really hoping for advice from people who’ve had a similar approach to me (contact naps, co-sleeping/bedsharing, baby falling asleep at the boob). I don’t need negativity or judgement from people who’ve chosen to do things differently — just kind advice if you’ve been where I’m at. Just A first time mum here doing what she thinks is best and what she’s been taught around her wanted approach, very delicate these days and don’t need any nasty judgmental comments please.

My little girl is 19 weeks today — so about 4½ months depending how you count it 🤣 Up until now I’ve actually felt really confident with how we’ve handled sleep. Health visitors etc have always said she’s thriving and we’ve been praised for how responsive we are.
From newborn, she slept in next to me most of the night. Early mornings she’d often end up sleeping on me because she was quite up and down. Daytime has mostly been contact naps, with the odd Moses basket nap when she was tiny. Over time she’s definitely developed a strong preference for contact naps and now naps on me in the day, which honestly we both love. For maybe the last 6 weeks we’ve basically bedshared most the night, sometimes the initial sleep she’d have her own bed, now I just put her onto my bed and we sleep together. All works fine for us up until recently.
She’s exclusively breastfed and 9 times out of 10 falls asleep at the boob for naps and bedtime. During the night we had actually got into quite a good rhythm — not every wake was fed back to sleep. Sometimes she’d just have a cuddle and go back down, and I’d only refeed if she seemed genuinely hungry and wouldn’t settle otherwise.
Then we hit what I assume is the 4-month sleep regression.
A couple of weeks ago she had a phase of waking for 2 hours in the night, wide awake, which was tiring but manageable. Now it’s different — she’s waking almost hourly, her sleep cycles are so short and she’s very hard to transfer off me. The last few nights I’ve barely slept. As soon as I put her down she wakes.
Most advice I’m reading seems to centre around sleep training and teaching them to self-settle. I haven’t wanted to go down that route this early. I’m happy with contact naps and we are currently bed sharing (done safely, and I’ve had proper guidance on safe sleep). I don’t feel desperate to stop feeding to sleep either — it’s worked beautifully for us until now.
But I also can’t function on this level of broken sleep.
If you’ve been where I am right now and have any kind advice that helped you, or just want to share your experience, I’d really appreciate it because I feel a bit stuck at the moment. Is this just what regression looks like — very up and down, frequent wakes, sometimes baby wide awake for a stretch in the middle of the night, bedtime suddenly taking much longer? Is this all normal 4-month regression stuff?
Please be gentle — I’m just trying to understand what’s typical and how to find a way through

I did pretty similar to you with DS when he was little aside from co-sleeping (fed to sleep, contact naps). What you're describing sounds like the 4 month sleep regression. I didn't sleep train and instead just rode it out. I went to bed at 8:30pm the same time as my son and just grabbed every second of sleep I could overnight, sometimes just 20 mins at a time! It took 8 weeks to pass, I do believe you can get past it quicker with sleep training but that wasn't for me either. If you're struggling to put her down I'd recommend keeping her in your arms for 10-15 minutes while she gets into a deeper sleep and then transferring her, put her down bum first to avoid disturbing her, keep a hand on her for a little bit and then gently remove it.

I've always found this sleep consultant pretty helpful, it just explains the regression, no need to sleep train but just some things to consider - https://justchillbabysleep.co.uk/2020/02/25/the-4-month-sleep-regression-progression/#whatarethesignsofthe4monthregression

Are you able to do side lying breastfeeding? I did that from the start as I struggled to sit up comfortable (infected tear...) and it honestly got me so much sleep as I'd feed lying side to side with baby, and she could just fall asleep next to me, and so could I! No transfer needed. What you describe is is typical regression. You don't need to sleep train, ever, if you don't want to. Self settling will come as they grow older. We've always responded (breastfed / cuddled / rocked / bedshared) and my daughter's sleep has got gradually better over time, with periods of good and bad! if bedtime is taking long, maybe just wait til later? I was going to bed with my daughter at about 9pm when she was that age, most babies don't need an earlier bedtime at that age if they're napping quite a bit.

Just one thought on contact naps (which I'm very pro, and still do with my 15 month old sometimes!) - there is an argument that doing all naps as contact naps can mean baby is getting an excessive amount of day sleep, and therefore make night sleep worse. I've always found the Possums sleep advice really helpful - it's about getting out lots in the day, having baby nap on the go, not worrying about long naps.

Hi OP,
This sounds very similar to my experience with my first. It's incredibly tough so I sympathise. My first was a massive comfort feeder, EBF and I fed to sleep and contact napped almost every time until something just clicked with naps around 6 months old and he started being able to nap in his next to me cot. His night time sleep was "terrible" (although also normal for a lot of babies) from very early on and for a long time - very up and down for at least the first year and a bit. He went through phases of split nights where he would be awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night and waking every hour or 2 in between. It honestly felt soul destroying at times. At the same time, I personally never wanted to consider sleep training and was 100% convinced it wouldn't work for my son anyway and would be massively stressful for him (based on his temperament, I guess you'd call him a high needs baby). I know there are lots of different way to try sleep training and lots are very gentle and work for some babies but I understand your reluctance to do it as I was the same.
No real advice really but I just wanted to say you're not alone. In the end, I just found acceptance that I had a difficult sleeper the easiest way forward. I would drive myself mad trying to "fix" it.

I know it's much easier said than done but it really is a case of just trying to rest when you can in the day, even if it's just not leaving the house (although sometimes that's harder!) And just trying to sit down rather than rushing about and let what you can slide around the house.

Anyway, my first is now 4 and sleep through the night beautifully and has done for a couple of years now so all that feeding to sleep, contact napping and bouncing to sleep certainly didn't give him any bad habits. In hindsight it's so clear as everyone says, everything is a phase, babies and their sleep are so unique and it constantly evolves when they're tiny. When you're in the thick of it though, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. They're all different and if you have a tough sleeper or going through a difficult phase just do what you need to do to get through it, whether that involves sleep training or not. You sound like a wonderful mum and you will sleep again, I promise.

My second baby is also EBF and has been an amazing sleeper so far, contact naps but will also just fall asleep in his cot by himself (it's a revelation after my first!) - but also has zero interest in comfort feeding - wants milk and is done! It's so completely different to my first even though I've done nothing differently. Although we are rapidly approaching 4 months and already sleep is starting to change so I'm very intrigued to see how these regressions manifest with him and how we'll go about helping him through it! 😅

@ThatMintMember

Thank you so much for sharing your experience — it’s really reassuring to hear from someone who’s been through it. It definitely sounds like what we’re dealing with could be the 4-month regression, so that’s helpful to hear.
I really appreciate the tips as well, especially about keeping her in my arms a little longer and putting her down bum first — I’ll give that a try. And thank you for the link, I’ll have a proper look through it.

You’re right to not want to go down the sleep training route or being less responsive, that would be very cruel especially at this age. However, agree with PP that trying to do more naps on the go in the daytime and adjusting daytime sleep will probably be helpful. With the cosleeping, does she fall asleep with your breast in her mouth with you side lying? I found this helpful as by this age I would barely need to wake up when baby latched on.

@Peonies12
Thank you so much — I have actually tried the side-lying feeding again and it’s really helped. It’s taken away that worry of her just falling asleep in my arms and then having to do a tricky transfer, which has been such a relief. So thank you for suggesting it.
I had the same issue at the start with a tear and an infection too, and when I first tried side-lying she was struggling with latching, so I hadn’t really thought to reintroduce it. I’m so glad I did though, because it does seem to be helping now.
She keeps falling asleep around 5pm and would happily sleep right through, so I think we need to break that habit. I’m going to try keeping it as a shorter nap at 5 and then doing a slightly later bedtime instead of 6:30 — I’m wondering if she might just be getting a bit too much daytime sleep at the moment.
Really appreciate you sharing what worked for you 💛

@Boa33
Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of that — it honestly helps more than you know. Hearing from someone who’s been through it and come out the other side is really reassuring.

So much of what you described sounds exactly like us, especially the comfort feeding and the up-and-down nights. The split nights sound absolutely brutal — I can only imagine how draining that must have been. It really does feel soul destroying at times, doesn’t it! I completely relate to what you said about not wanting to sleep train. I feel the same — I know it works for some babies, but it just doesn’t sit right for me, and I’m not convinced it would suit her or me anyway.

I really liked what you said about acceptance being the easiest way forward. I can feel myself constantly trying to “fix” it, and it probably does just make it harder mentally. Letting some things slide and just focusing on getting through feels like a healthier approach.

It’s so reassuring to hear your first now sleeps beautifully — and that all the feeding to sleep and contact naps didn’t create bad habits. That’s such a comforting reminder that this really is a phase, even if it feels endless right now.

And how funny about your second being totally different — it really shows how much of it is just the baby and not something we’re doing “right” or “wrong”. I hope the 4-month changes are kind to you this time around! 😅 thank you

Thank you so much — I definitely think I need to make a few adjustments to her daytime sleep and try to find a better balance. The late afternoon nap keeps turning into a long stretch, which I think is then affecting bedtime, so I’m going to work on keeping that one shorter.
I’ve also just started doing side-lying again and it’s already making a difference. She was falling asleep on the boob while I was holding her, and then the transfer was always so tricky. This way it avoids the whole transfer situation, which feels like such a win.
It’s a really helpful suggestion — thank you

No problem. I know how helpful just some simple reassurance is sometimes. I completely sympathise about how it feels endless at the moment. I was exactly the same. I simply couldn't envisage a time where my baby would somehow sleep by himself or go to bed easily or not need holding and rocking. I just could not picture it. Having my second has been so healing in a way, because it was a really tough time, as much as I loved all the cuddles and weirdly I wouldn't have changed it!
I am SO much more relaxed this time around because of the beauty of hindsight and I know it really, really will get better.

My only advice would be if you try tinkering with her daytime sleep you can always try the odd crib / basket nap in the day. I just tried every now and then in the first few months just to see if he would take to it.
I also loved the contact naps and was happy doing them but it was also quite freeing when he suddenly started napping in his cot and also I could sleep sometimes! I would just say though, only try them when you are mentally in the right frame of mind if it doesn't work - quite a few times I was so desperate for him to have a nap not on me so I could sleep, I tried it and it inevitably failed and he'd be wide awake after 10 mins! 😅

I also found white noise really helpful for mine but again it's very subjective and not for everyone :)

Glad that's helped! I think at 4 months-ish, you do need to be enforcing a proper period of being awake between last nap and bed - I'd wake her after max 30 mins then keep her awake a couple of hours before bed - with the evenings getting lighter you could do a walk? Mine always liked being forward facing in the sling from that age, I used to cook dinner with her there! Nothing is a 'bad habit' if it works for you. Baby / toddler sleep will change constantly anyway, if anything, just do what works to get through the night. My daughter has only had naps in her own bed since she was 12 months! She's never slept through and I always co-sleep from about 3/4am. It works for now, so I can't see any issue.

That’s honestly so reassuring to read, thank you all, it really does feel endless sometimes, so hearing that you were all in the same place and did change means a lot.

@Peonies12
We’ve tweaked her daytime sleep so she’s sleeping a bit less, and I’m keeping a close eye on nap lengths and wake windows so she’s not oversleeping or overtired. Making sure that last nap is timed right and having everything ready for bed in advance so as soon as she’s bed ready we aren’t messing around letting her get overtired. We’ve added a little sound bath at night which has worked beautifully, and I’m now doing daytime nap feeds in the bedroom so she starts to associate that space with sleep. And a lot of side lying feeding is helping.

I was going to ask @Boa33 if you had success with crib daytimes naps , especially as she’s fed to sleep like yours was. The side-lying feeding has helped loads because she’s at least sleeping on a mattress and not always on me, but I’m stuck on how to balance feeding to sleep while also moving her into a safe crib.
At the moment I can side-lying feed her to sleep and leave her there (with safety measures in place), but it’s not quite the end goal. Would love to know how and if you bridged that gap.

It’s like I want the best of both worlds 🤦‍♀️ I’m happy with contact naps and feeding to sleep, but it would be nice to have the option to step away sometimes in the day.
At night I’ve been trying not to always feed her straight away, because I’ve realised it’s not always hunger – sometimes she just wants comfort. So I’m mixing it up with cuddles, lying with her, and some feeds, just so the boob isn’t the only way she links sleep cycles.

Thank you all though , it’s been a tough week and I’m definitely exhausted. I stay positive in the moment, but the lack of sleep really hits my mood in the day… all part of the fun apparently 🤣☺️

That's great that the side lying feeding has been working for you, at least helping you get a bit more rest hopefully. What is your crib set up now for her? Still a next to me or a full crib? Is it a mattress on the floor or your bed that she naps on in the day?

I was in a slightly different situation in that I never really got the hang of side lying feeding until he was much older and we never bed shared while he was a baby simply because he was just so wriggly and would not settle and seemed to sleep better in his crib in between the multiple wakes. I would happily have bed shared if he would! Anyway, I used to use our birthing ball to rock / bounce him on to sleep while or after I fed him for getting him down at the start of the night and then he would feed to sleep when he woke during the night. I could bounce him on the ball and just slow it down as he fell asleep and just rock him gently until I was sure he was asleep and then gently transfer him, it mostly worked really well for us and saved my back! He was an incredibly light sleeper when he was little (not anymore - he would sleep through an earthquake now!) so it was a case of tiptoeing out the room. We would have lots of false starts for a while too.
For naps I just used to occasionally try the same routine upstairs in our room where his crib was, with sleeping bag, white noise etc. I can't say really that I did anything in particular, it often didn't work but then it was just like one day it just clicked and he stayed asleep for 1.5 hours and then did that consistently twice a day from then on (until he needed to drop a nap but that's a whole different thing 😅).

Have you tried transferring her from the mattress to a crib recently? If what you're doing now is working with safety measures around the mattress, there's no need to change it particularly but I guess the equivalent for you would be just occasionally trying to transfer her once she's asleep (if you're mentally prepared for it not to work!) and see if she takes to it.

Our second is 15 weeks now and in the last week or so we've definitely hit some sort of wall. He's stopped self settling, his naps (on me) are shorter and lighter and he is taking much more input to get to sleep / go down at night. He only wants to sleep on me in the evening. I'm currently sat in bed watching line of duty on my phone because he wakes up screaming everytime I try and put him down for a few hours. We're just going to go with it for now and see what happens. They like to keep us on our toes!

It sounds like you're trying some really positive steps to see if anything helps and I completely get the exhaustion. I used to find evenings the worst, preparing for another night of broken sleep. Please feel free to PM me if you want to for moral support!