Please help me sort out a strategy to help 22mo dd go to sleep in her bed with no screaming!

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The problems started about a month ago when I went out dd saw me leave and got distressed. dh thought he could handle it and let her scream for 4h until I came home. once she saw me she went to sleep with me in the room but got up 3 times in the night to check I was still there.

so i tried staying in the room until she went to sleep but she would constantly demand stories etc.

so i tried closing the stair gate and leaving her to it. she would play with her books for an hour until her music finished then scream blue murder until I sat with her and exhaustion kicked in.

I took all her books away so she has nothing to do in room and she just stands at the gate shouting. so I rapid returned her every time she opened the door. that worked for 2 nights, then she started sleeping behind the door.

when my mum puts her to bed she is her old self. music on. good night kiss, straight to sleep and sleeps through. when I do it we have several hours of screaming and multiple wakings in the night. I can't get my poor mum round every night unfortunatly so what can I do?

nap times are the worst as she is not as tired as at bed time. I'm currently letting her nap on the floor in the doorway as she is refusing to stay in her bed no matter if I'm in the room or not! she has screamed herself to sleep after an hour.

I think the problem is I don't know how to handle it. nether of us know if its going to be a gradual withdawl night or a cc night or a rapid return night and the inconsistancy is unsettling her.

you never let them scream and distress them selves should leave them 10 mins go in calm down then again 10 mins go in and calm down

what worked with ds was to sit on floor no converstaion 10 mins of story sit on floor calmly time to sleep and just sit there

tuck her in say good girl for being in bed and leave her sit on her floor and just count or sing in your head dont answer any distracting conversations ignore

once she realises she cannot get your attention she'll go to sleep knowing your there

sounds like she has seperation issues with you at the moment if someoen else can do bedtimes for a while will help

good luck

We had a nightmare 2 years with DD2 but finally when we got our acts together and came up with a plan....we now have an angelic sleeper!!!! I really don't think it matters too much what your plan is, e.g. controlled crying, rapid return or one you've decided on as long as you are so consistent with everyone involved in putting her to bed. Everyone has to do exactly the same no deviations at all. As you yourself said there is no consistency at the moment and she doesn't like it. We had 10 days of hell while implementing it as she really didn't want to go to sleep on her own in her cot but after she realised we meant it, my husband, my mother and I were all doing exactly the same she finally got it and I can't believe how much it has transformed my life and hers, she is so much happier after a good night sleep. You really have to be strong, decide on your tactic and go for it without exception. Think about when you are going to start because if you are too tired to carry it out wait until you are a bit less tired or stressed, try to enlist as much help as possible for the first week or so when you will be really tired and then go for it. I hope it works but I know it will if you are all in agreement with the plan and all follow through.
Hi to Bubblagirl and maybe we'll meet up at Shenfield common soon.

thanks for your replies.

Bubblagirl your approach sounds like what I started off trying but what would you suggest if she reacts violently? she as very little speech and I can imagine her lashing out with frustration when I don't respond to her. and how should I react to her sleeping on the floor? do I just ignore her or try to put her back in bed!

I take it the natural progession of the would be gradual wthdrawl once I have her sleeping willingly.

we had sleep therapist ds is speech delayed and would get frustrated she said if he sleeps on floor let him put him back into bed later or make a bed up on the floor

at night it is ignoring the behaviour as it is still trying to get a response from you even if a negative one

just say mummy will go if you hit me or you can lay down and i'll stay here but just once and ignore the rest of the time

once she learns to settle with you there you would gradually move away until able to leave the room she may even settle once she gets used to it you could say i'll be back in a min and see how long you can stay out of room she may just go to sleep

it is very hard and frustrating but key is to ignore completely but just to be there

as for respondng if she tries to get your attention you can just keep saying ssshhh its time to sleep in soft calm toned voice but no interacting with conversation just ssshhh its time to sleep now

we actually got to the point where i would be reading his story and he would just doze straight off

well last night I offered to sit in the chair in her room if she stayed in bed. she didn't so I sat outside her door with my back to the gate just out of finger reach. it mostly stopped her getting distressed but she mucked about for 2 hours before she kept getting in and out of bed. this is when I believe I made the mistake. I went in to see if she would stay in bed if I returned to the room. She didn't but she came over, picked up my hand and pulled it towards her saying "cuggle" She has never said this before! she is seeing a SALT because she dosent say anything other than mumumum and baaa. I melted into a big puddle of proud mummy goo and cuddled her for about 5 mins. then she went happily to bed so long as I sat in the chair. by this time it was 11pm

I am going to try the sitting with my back to the gate thing again tonight. hopefully I won't crack this time but its been a hard day and I'm on my own with her again...

Oh it is really hard especially when you are on your own....but I do believe she is going to be worse for you as you returned to the room for a cuddle but be strong...it will take twice as long if you are not consistent. I know from painful experience.

It's quite possible that she doesn't need to nap in the afternoons. DD (2.9) hasn't napped since well before her 2nd birthday.

I was wondering about dropping the nap, the only thing that keeps me sticking to the routine (besides treasuring that hour or peace!) is that she goes to sleep beautifully for my mum with a nap.

I was going to ask dh how he felt about trying no nap and earlier bedtime this weekend while I have some support but it seems mean to do it on fathers day....

I have the laptop here outside her door to take my mind off the waiting

Ooooh I went through this when dd was exactly one year old. Held prisoner by your own child!

We did this (although our dd was much younger). Sat by her until she fell asleep, mved away bit by bit each night, until outside. Of course she started again, went in , laid her down, patted her and walked out. Kept this up for about 2 or 3 hours at a time (2 or 3 times a night) for about 2 weeks, After this crying t night when she first went to bed stopped, then after another week she slept fine. We had a relapse about 3 months later, but she settled back again.

I guess, you put her back into bed with no talking, and leave immediately after pat and kind word. No eye contact or interaction of any type

it was easier when it was a cot. I've done gradual withdrawl with her when she had seperation anxiety before. done cc when she was just trying to control us too, first t
ime she cried for less than 10 mins! then problem sorted. now she is a tougher nut to crack....

she's played fairly hapily for an hour. then came to get me, when I din't come she stropped. whent quiet for about 5 mins and seemed to be prepairing to sleep on the floor, now she's alternating screaming blue murder and curling up on the floor. dreading her falling alseep on the floor as I haven't managed to transfer her back to bed without waking her and it just kickes the whole process off again

her music has gone off and thats why she's shouting. I'm tempted to go and turn it back on but I think that will be me getting sucked back in again....

it was easier when it was a cot. I've done gradual withdrawl with her when she had seperation anxiety before. done cc when she was just trying to control us too, first t
ime she cried for less than 10 mins! then problem sorted. now she is a tougher nut to crack....

she's played fairly hapily for an hour. then came to get me, when I din't come she stropped. whent quiet for about 5 mins and seemed to be prepairing to sleep on the floor, now she's alternating screaming blue murder and curling up on the floor. dreading her falling alseep on the floor as I haven't managed to transfer her back to bed without waking her and it just kickes the whole process off again

her music has gone off and thats why she's shouting. I'm tempted to go and turn it back on but I think that will be me getting sucked back in again....

I would put her in her own bed and take it from there. Otherwise I'm not sure how you are ever going to manage the transfer from floor to bed. Start as you man to go on, or you may just confuse her.....so easy for me to say...big sympathies

sorry for double post, laptop playing up. its gone quiet! I'm not quite brave enough to look round yet. I want to hear sleepy breating first as it could be a trap....

tomorrow I really have to feed the cats before I camp out on the landing. they have been as much of a pain as dd tonight! they can't work out why I'm not going downstairs to do their bidding. I'm just everyone's domestic servant

just hear snores, thats the good news... they were far too close for her to be in bed

Fizzbuzz. short of holding her down screaming I can't make her stay in bed. I tried closing the door and rapid returning her every time she touched the handle which was hard work the first night then a doddle for 2 nights, the third night she slept behind the door so that I couldn't get in to return her.....

and also the screaming wrestling match returning her to bed was the attention she wanted so she was winning on that level too....during the day I've been leaving her so sleep on the floor noping she would realise how uncomfortable it is and how nice her bed is in comparison but no joy yet. she just wakes up in an evil temper and we have a bad afternoon...

What a little crafty monkey , you have to give her 10/10 for intelligence

I don't know what else to suggest...., can you do it with the door tied open?

Can you move her bed nearer the door. Would that help at all?

just lifted her back and touch wood she's sleeping. keep your finger crossed for me!

Good luck, they are such a pain when they are like this...but so cute with it...

small room so no scope for moving furniture. she can see me from her bed where I am so its bloody mindedness that is making her sleep on the flood.

unfortunatly she is running rings round me at the minute. its not just bed time that is on her terms. she has tried to live purely on toast! gone on hunger strike unless I read books to her at the table. ditto for making me dance to tumbletots tunes (i let her go hungry !) she's got me speaking her language rather than teaching her to talk, the list is endless!

I don't think I'm a pushover (but maybe I'm fooling myself )

I'm off to get some sleep myself now before dh comes in from his night out and wakes her

Yes, I have one of those as well.....I fear she has stolen a march on us.

But we are ready for it now....

23mo, and dominates the house

I would forget the naps and keep her bedtime. She should be sleepy by the time she hits the bed.

In my very humble and non-judgemental opinion, spending hours in front of her door, waiting for her to go to sleep is not a good way to handle this. You are the parent. She is the child. Tell her tomorrow that mommy will not be sitting there in front of her door anymore, because she has doggy, teddy, etc to hug her and stay with her all night. Remind this to her several times during the day. At bedtime, put her in bed, kiss, hug, and then get out. Leave her door ajar.

If she comes out, take her back to bedroom, remind her it is sleep time and goodbye. No smiles, because you are not happy that she got out of her room.

That is what I would do anyway. If I learned one thing about parenthood, it is that consistency is everything.

Hope you had a goodnight.....

It was a very good night. no night waking. but she woke at 7 which is early for her so she didn't get a nap. I put her down at 7 and she was asleep as soon as her head touched the bed. long may this continue!!! makes going through the day without my hour off bearable!

coteD, I've tried this approach and many others (which is the problem) the presence but no attention thing seemed to work better than the hard line sort yourself out approach as she didn;t wake in the night but I can see your point and you are absolutely right on the consistency issue. The problem is when you don't know how best to handle things you keep trying different stuff and that makes it 100x worse.....

Oh and she counted to 5 today! (counting 5 objects not just reciting) her language is coming so fast at the moment. she had 4 words on thursday. I must have heard at least 20 today! Ive been really worried about her lack of speech but it looks like we are turning a corner there too.

well it was the worst night yet. slept until 1am i went in as she sounded really upset but she just wanted cuddles and not to be in her bed. she even got upset when I put her toys back in bed and told her they were good for going to sleep in the bed. It took nearly an hour to get her to lie calmly in her bed with me gradually withdrawing to the landing. just as she was drifting off and I was sneaking back to bed the bloody cat dived into our room wailing, woke dh and dd and it all kicked off again. I tried sitting back on teh landing but she wouldn't stay in bed cos I'd tried to leave and she wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again

So, I did what I do best and changed my bloomin strategy again! I told her where I was going i.e. back to bed, and left her to it. she shouted for ages, thought she'd gone (on the floor) at 3:30 but as soon as I opened my door the cat dived in with a squark and she called out to me. finally got her into bed at 4:30 where she stayed until 6:30 when she started shouting for food.

dh is really cross with the way i'm handling things conveniently forgetting that it was his handling of things that kicked off the whole thing. he want to put a lock on her door and just leave her to it and is corss as I won't let him.

we had a talk and he thinks that any solution where she gets me to sit in a particular place while she falls asleep is a bad idea as if she wakes in the night she gets really upset if I'm not there. SO, it looks like I'm back to doing cc.....