Absolutely desperate - getting less than 2 hrs broken sleep a night

[chasinghilltops]

My baby is 3 months old and since 4 weeks he hasn’t slept longer than 30 mins in his cot. Usually he won’t sleep in it at all and only settles in our arms. I also have a 2 year old who is waking 3+ times a night. It’s absolutely killing me and I’m at breaking point.

Baby is breastfed so husband goes to settle toddler which means I’m with baby all night. Please can anyone give practical tips for getting baby into their cot? Even if he was sleeping 1 hour long stretches it would make such a difference. Co-sleeping isn’t an option for us as I’m scared of risk of SIDs but I appreciate it works for some people. Thanks in advance

I’m so sorry, that sounds really really tough. Have you tried little tricks like sleeping with his sheet before outing it on the bed so that it smells of you? What temperature is the room? I sometimes found that having it just a couple of degrees warmer would help and when baby felt colder air, they knew they were in the cot and not arms.

i know many will say that such a young baby only wanting to sleep in arms is completely normal, but
have you taken baby to doctor to see if they can identify any issue such as reflux or allergies? We have some friends whose bay went from sleeping fairly well to not being put down at all at a few weeks of age and it turned out she had Cows Milk Protein . I know a lot of doctors will say breast-fed babies shouldn’t be affected by allergens in mothers diet, but anecdotally I know quite a few mums who are convinced that cutting dairy out of their diet massively impacted their baby’s comfort and improved sleep

Hopefully others will be able to offer more suggestions. I hope you can get some support because it’s such a tough situation

Unfortunately that sounds very very normal for a baby that age, and the only thing that stopped me from reaching tiredness induced delirium and hallucinations was putting the mattress on the floor (pulled away from the walls so no entrapment risk), getting an adult slumbersac so no bedding at all (baby also had a sleep sack) and bedsharing following lullaby trust guidelines. That was I could feed lying down and basically not fully wake up, and the baby slept so much better and never cried, just nuzzled in. It reaches the point where you have to balance risk. If you haven't had a drink and noone smokes then that's a much lower sids risk compared to you being so tired you lose concentration when driving or forgetting to turn the oven off.

Is the toddler waking because of the baby crying or did the toddler wake regularly beforehand?

Is baby in a next to me cot? We got one for second baby and the difference it made was amazing. Baby would stir and I'd just slide her over, stick in a nipple whilst lying down and slide her back again. Everyone slept so much more. Admittedly second baby didn't have any reflux issues unlike my first who had to be held upright for ages after each feed or it all came out again...

Check the baby hasn’t got CMPA as my first had and the main symptom was not sleeping more than 45 mins at a time.
Things you can try. Warming cot up before you put the baby in with a hot water bottle.
If the baby falls asleep in your arms let them fall asleep on a fleece blanket then keep them on it as you transfer them into the cot. Tuck the excess blanket in like you would a sheet.
The baby might be too cold. You could add a cardigan.
If it’s reflux put some thick books under the feet of the cot at the head end.
You could give a dose of calpol for two nights and if sleep improves it indicates the lack of sleep is pain related.

Cosleeping and breastfeeding actually reduce the risk of SIDS.

If you have a spare room I’d ask DH to go to that and you cosleep. Better to plan to cosleep safely than accidentally fall asleep whilst feeding etc from exhaustion.

Second the cmpa. Mine were like this and both had allergies.

I also got to the point I was more dangerous trying to get baby in cot (I'd fall asleep with them on me) that co sleeping safely was a far better option. If you have a firm mattress then you can co sleep safely and everyone sleeps. Wear a onesie so you don't need blankets. Hair tied up and out the way. Make sure baby is always on your side.not dh's.

This is a really hard time. My advice is you need to get the baby to self soothe. This means fall asleep by themselves - not fed to sleep or cuddled to sleep. Brace yourself for 3 or 4 terrible nights sleep while they get used to it, but stick with it.

You do your usual routine - bath, calm lights, sound machine if you have one - and then feed. You then put them down awake. If/when they cry, you pick them up, cuddle/soothe until they stop, then put them down awake again. Keep repeating. Yes the first night you’ll do it non-stop, but stick with it. It’ll take about 3 nights to crack but eventually they’ll fall asleep themselves. Once they can get themselves to sleep, they go longer and longer.

PS your two year old needs to self soothe too, so if you’re assisting them to fall to sleep in anyway - cuddles, lying with them etc. you need to do the same method and teach them to fall asleep by themselves - that way when they wake it the night they can get themselves back to sleep.

I completely respect all the co sleeping approaches and everyone should do what’s right for them, but co sleeping just wasn’t for me, I wanted to teach them to sleep on their own.

I tried this. It didn't work with my allergy baby at all. So don't blame yourself if it just doesn't work. If I put her down it was be instant full blown screaming. I once left it 3 mins to try and see if she would scream herself out (with me by her side comforting her) and we ended up in hospital because she had screamed herself a rash which they needed to check because it mimicked the type of rash that is associated with leukemia. After lots of tests they concluded she had just screamed her blood vessels open.

@Barrellturn god that’s awful, sorry to hear you went through that.

OP if you have any allergy suspicions speak to your GP first.

At this point, it may be more risky to not co sleep.

Whenever things are this bad i always suggest getting someone to have the baby in the daytime so you can get some sleep. Its so hard to try anything new when youre this knackered.

Interesting - why is that?

Not trying to be challenging, just genuinely interested? I knew 100% I wasn’t going to co sleep, and if people kept telling me it was the only solution I’d have felt utterly hopeless.

With one of mine I ended up going with following the safe sleep 7, and co sleeping, because it was literally the only way I could sleep, he would wake up the second he was in the cot no matter what I tried.
I've seen some people do shifts, so Dad might stay up until 12 and respond to all the wakes, while you go to bed really early. Then you swap. That way, each gets a decent amount of sleep.

In my view, getting less than two hours of sleep a night, will make it much more likely that the OP will accidentally fall asleep in an unsafe position with her baby. That is when the risk of SIDS/accidental suffocation skyrockets.

I've been there when my baby was a newborn. I was so exhausted and nothing was working and I fell asleep breastfeeding my baby in an armchair. Thankfully, all was okay that time, but it could easily have not been.

The other risks are perhaps if the OP has to drive still for whatever reason? She won't be safe to drive on so little sleep either.

Have you tried giving baby a bottle - i know you are breastfeeding but for some babies, a bottle of milk settles them for the night. You can try it, if it doesnt work you dont have to carry on. If it doesnt you can just keep it as that: a good night bottle

Safe co-sleeping is actually a protective factor for SIDS - in other words, it’s safer than baby being in a cot.

I would recommend researching how to do it safely, following the ‘safe sleep seven’ advice and the Lullaby Trust. It is the most natural thing to do in the world if you are breastfeeding and it will let you have so much more sleep.

I agree with and support safe co sleeping, but you cannot say it’s safer than sleeping in a cot.

@SunshineAndFizz Also, just to add on, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I only coslept when I had to.

I still worked on baby sleeping in their cot, but that's a lot easier to do when you've caught up on some sleep.

Absolutely - and I genuinely think everyone has to do what works best for them - it just wasn’t for me.

Being in the newborn trenches is tough, and lack of sleep can be like torture, so certainly no judgement about any approach.

Many sleep trainers do not recommend teaching babies to fall asleep independently until the 5 or 6 month mark, due to the 4 month sleep regression which can knock everything back anyway. We considered it but never did as sleep improved on its own when we adjusted naps, bedtime and just fed to sleep. Many friends who sleep trained had a good period of sleep thereafter but then had to retrain every time they were poorly, had a drop in sleep needs or a change in routine. Sleep is so dynamic and falling asleep by themselves isn't always a fix, although i appreciate it works for many. It is also really temperament dependent as to how intensely upset they can be and what you are happy to tolerate in the process.

Gosh I really resonate with this even though it was a long time ago.

I got to a point I thought I'd walk out and leave everyone and to a certain extent I did - I gave the baby a bottle and left with my 18 month old and went back to my mum for the day and night.

i still remember the guilt I felt but equally I still feel the relief. It wasn't perfect when I got back but I was rested and I think saved from a sleep deprived breakdown!

eta the baby was with his dad not by itself 😂

agree with this 100%

Could it be silent reflux op? Both my kids had this. It was hell. I really feel for you. I had a breakdown from exhaustion this year.

I can’t tell you all how helpful it is to be validated in the way I’m feeling - thank you. I have tried to put baby in beside me when my husband is with my toddler but he still wakes and wants to be held. My toddler has been a terrible sleeper from day 1 too so we’ve not had a break.

For those suggesting CMPA, what other symptoms did your baby have? My LO cried A LOT when they were smaller and I put it down to colic. He still has periods of intense crying now, mostly in the evening or before naps. He sounds wheezy a lot of the time and either doesn’t poo or has an explosive nappy. He’s also sick hours after being fed. No real eczema but I think his skin is pretty sensitive. Every night about 3am the crying starts again.

I had ruled out reflux because he’s quite happy being on his back.

I think I’ll trial cutting out dairy and pick up a dairy free formula so DH can also feed him. Any recommendations? Thanks again all x