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Original poster

MIL rant but kinda sleep-related!

24 replies

angel1976 · 10/06/2008 21:08

Hi all,

I am so sick of MIL going on about how we are making a rod for our own back by having DS sleep in our room. FFS, he is only 15 weeks old! I know in their times, they put their kids to a cot in their own room from the beginning so be it, that was THEN... She's been going on about it EVERY phone call. And today, I told her that it is officially recommended to have baby in parents' room for the first 6 months and she said 'You read too much!'

DS was sleeping in the Amby in our room from birth and he was doing so well in it and sleeping through with a DF. However, this week, he started trying to turn over (from back to front) and it scared me to death watching him try to do it in the Amby (as I think it's easier to suffocate IF he does manage to turn over in the Amby than in a cot seeing as the Amby is inclined). I'm not prepared to move him to his own room yet as it's two flights of stairs down and we need to sort out what to do with the temperature in there (it's below ground so it's absolutely freezing in winter!) so moved his cot into our room. Amazingly, he seems to be doing okay sleeping in it. He takes longer to settle but I think that's just him getting used to his new sleeping space.

Anyone has any experience of doing that and later moving the cot (and baby) into his own room? Would it be easier seeing as he is used to his cot? And also, would it be ok NEVER to talk to MIL again? Failing that, should I just say yes to everything she says (even if it is not true) and then she can have a heart attack when she comes over to visit and sees the cot in our room?

Thanks, Ax

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CarofromWton · 10/06/2008 21:17

Oh my God! 15 weeks old is nothing! Neither of my 2 DDs moved into their own room until they were 12 months old (that was the recommendation at the time, but it also felt right for us). Neither of them had any trouble moving to their own room when the time came. Advice changes with each generation - you have to follow what feels right for you. Given your circumstances (cold room 2 flights down etc) I wouldn't even consider moving DS yet. Don't you think your MIL might try to be a little bit more supportive during this difficult time? Well, newborn was difficult for me anyway!!

LittleMyDancing · 10/06/2008 21:23

My goodness, DS didn't move into his own room until he was 9 months.

Tell your MIL to take a hike

You may be making a rod for your own back by letting her get away with this behaviour, if you ask me. Nip it in the bud now.

Original poster

angel1976 · 10/06/2008 21:56

Oh my god, i was so close to telling her today 'IT'S MY F**KING CHILD AND I WILL DO WHAT I LIKE, YOU'VE HAD YOUR CHANCE!' But decided to zip it for DH's sake. Funnily, I feel a bit sorry for her as she doesn't work and DS is her first and only grandchild and she is obsessed with him but not in a helpful way IYKWIM.

DH (who is lovely) bought me and DS tickets to Singapore to see my parents and we are leaving this Thursday for 3 weeks and 3 days (DH planned this, not me!) as he knows I was really missing my family with the birth of DS. Told MIL we were going for 3 weeks. Told her today the date we are coming back and she said 'Oh, it's more than 3 weeks then...' WTF?!!! Wait till she finds out how we parent in Singapore (very laissez faire, pretty much everyone co-sleeps etc), she will have a heart attack well and truly. I am not being unreasonable then? BTW, I love taking DS into bed with me in the morning when he wakes for a cuddle so I suspect he will be in with us longer than 6 months! ;)

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Original poster

angel1976 · 10/06/2008 21:58

Actually, does anyone know how I can say 'IT'S MY F**KING CHILD AND I WILL DO WHAT I LIKE, YOU'VE HAD YOUR CHANCE!' in a 'nice' way?

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emma1977 · 10/06/2008 22:12

'Shove off you interfering old bat' should do it.

My ds has only just moved into his own room at 24 weeks. We initially had him in a moses basket, but he hated it and he went into a cot at 6 weeks. The cot stayed in our room and he has moved wholesale into his own room without any problems.

We would have been happy to have had him in our room for longer, but we all seemed to be preventing each other from getting a decent night's sleep!

Habbibu · 10/06/2008 22:17

Cot in our room, then dd's worked fine. No advice on MIL front, I'm afraid...

Original poster

angel1976 · 10/06/2008 22:25

emma1977, I said nice! LOL...

I can't win this battle... At least DH is on my side, his way of coping is just to ignore her.

I'm so stupid, I try so hard with her cos I feel sorry for her (she's lonely and is a bit of a hypochondriac... we suspect she could be depressed due to her being home all day and not doing much!). DH has leave to use up by August and we thought we would take DS to Center Parcs as we are doing another big trip in September (this time family trip to Singapore) and I suggested we invited the inlaws. During the course of the conversation, was told July/August not a good time as it would be full of kids on holiday, it would be expensive, and my SIL wouldn't be able to come as she has to do a work placement!

Firstly, we never invited SIL though she is more than welcome to come but we can't fit our timings around her... Secondly, we already looked at prices and it is affordable by their standards, in fact, we were going to pay for it. I'm just flabbergasted at the way she has reacted. I want to un-invite them now...

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Original poster

angel1976 · 10/06/2008 22:25

emma1977, I said nice! LOL...

I can't win this battle... At least DH is on my side, his way of coping is just to ignore her.

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emma1977 · 10/06/2008 22:34

She sounds just like my mum.

My tactic is to make soothing noises and then completely ignore whatever she has said and not let it get to me.

Original poster

angel1976 · 11/06/2008 12:14

Hi emma,

My mum does give very unhelpful advice (over the phone) along the lines of 'you should put him over your shoulder to burp him...' WTF? But I find it a lot easier to tell my mum to take a hike (in a nice way!) as she is my mum and she knows I have been taking care of DS by myself (where I come from, there would have been plenty of help in the form of family members and a maid or two!) since he was born and he's growing very well so she can't really beat that!

Spoke to DH last night about it and told him I am not going to call his mum or speak to her again if I can help it if that is the way she is going to behave - undermining me as a mother (and us as parents). He says he's going to have a word with her when he sees his parents on his own the next time. He's on my side completely... I love that man to death!

In the meantime, if she does speak to me, I will do as say 'ignore, ignore, ignore' and if she pushes her luck, I am so going to tell her what I think... Thanks!

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cmotdibbler · 11/06/2008 12:18

Rather than ignoring, you could try the broken record approach of 'thanks, but we're happy with our decision to do this' every time she tries to interfere. It doesn't make you look evil, and reinforces that this is her sons decision too.

DS was in his cot in our room until he was 10 months old - no trouble moving him to his own room then FWIW

Original poster

angel1976 · 11/06/2008 12:26

Thanks cmotdibbler... Everything we are doing at the moment feels right with us (not just me but DH as well) and I think that is most important. I will try your broken record method. I've tried not bringing up the topic at all but she keeps bringing it up, she's like obsessed with it and she feels SO strongly about it, I just don't see why we have to do things HER way and what does it matter if we do make a rod for our own back, it's not her back IYKWIM...

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scattercushion · 11/06/2008 12:32

could you say 'mmm yes, maybe' and then get her to reminisce about when DH was a baby? Makes her feel included but as an equal rather than as an authority figure...

cmotdibbler · 11/06/2008 12:34

I know what you mean. I have a SIL who thinks that her way is the one true way IYKWIM God forbid that I breastfed for two years, and coslept part time for 18 months! And as for cloth nappies..

The broken record is a little trying, but you can make it into a game by keeping track of how many times you say it per phone call or visit - the trick is to never get pulled into defending your decision or arguing. Tis very good practice for having a toddler too !

bozza · 11/06/2008 13:39

Both mine were in the cot in our room from birth until 6 months.

barnstaple · 11/06/2008 13:47

Mine was in the cot in our room for 2 years.

hazygirl · 11/06/2008 13:53

my dd got told by hospital to keep with her for 12 months,but my grandaughter wasnt a healthy baby ,my youngest grandaughter is still with her and she is nearly nine months,x

mistlethrush · 11/06/2008 14:02

Ds was in cot in our room until 6mo - then moved to room next door with no problem.

If your MiL worries about health reasons, why don't you raise the issue why its recommended that babies sleep in parents' room ie cot death - along the lines of 'this is the recommendation, if I put ds in other room on your suggestion and this happened, would you be OK with me blaming you?' (or perhaps a bit less scare-mongery?).

We all touch wood that this won't happen to our dcs, but I still find myself waking up a bit late and wondering why ds (now 3.2) hasn't beaten the door down demanding his breakfast...

Original poster

angel1976 · 11/06/2008 16:34

So I am not the odd one then? mistlethrush - I don't think it's for health reason, I genuinely have no idea why she is so freaking insistent about it. I know it sounds strange but in a way, I think she is jealous... DH married me when he was very young (aged 22!) and for a while there, things weren't that great as I think she felt pushed out. And now with DS, I think she feels that way too as I am now taking him to see his GPs on my side for a whole 3.5 weeks (shock shock horror horror!). I just can't deal with her at the moment. When she found out we were going to Singapore for that long, she said 'That's a long time for DH not to see his son...' And I was like 'Well, actually, DH organised it and he knows if he misses DS too much, we will be on the next plane home...' And that shut her up! She doesn't buy all those latest research about cot death etc. For example, she still insists that making up formula milk bottles in advance and sticking them in the fridge is a good idea and I've already told her why it isn't but she just doesn't buy it... She thinks I am being difficult I think... Gosh, am I glad DH is on my side with all these!

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meep · 11/06/2008 16:38

DD was in her moses basket then cot in our room unril she was 8/9mo!!! We said we'd move her at 6mo but it just didn't happen.

It didn't phase dd at all - it was more that couldn't let her go. She's 11mo now and is happy in her own room and we are all sleeping well (though I do wake up sometimes just to go and acheck her)

mistlethrush · 11/06/2008 16:42

Sorry, didn't make that clear. If she has worries about her health, why don't you give her something to worry about your ds's health (even if you don't have them). I meant saying something like (am thinking a bit more this time) 'I don't want him in another room as it is proven that children in separate bedrooms are more likely to suffer from cot death, and all the health visitors recommend sharing a room while babies are little. Would you ever be able to forgove yourself if, based on your advice, I put him in his room and this were to happen to him?'

It sounds as though she's really mean re your parents - count up the number of times that she has seen ds and see if it comes to more than 24 (ie the number of days you're going for) - and of course, this visit will also have to make up for some for the next few months until they or you can visit each other again.

Have a wonderful visit - hopefully it will put mil completely out of your mind for a good long spell!

Cicatrice · 11/06/2008 16:47

DS slept in a moses basket in our room and then in his cot till around 6 months then into his own room. No problem in moving through. I moved with him initally, for the first few nights but there was no problem at all.

No MIL advice though.

Original poster

angel1976 · 11/06/2008 16:48

mistlethrush - MIL is deluded... Re: DS's health I mean... DS has a very definite preference to turning his head one way so much so that he has developed a flat head on one side and also, it's very obvious he is slightly 'lopsided' when you look at him. I've been pushing HV and doctor for references to see paediatrician and also physio. Do you want to know what her response to that is? 'Oh, I've only noticed him doing it at YOUR house, he's never done it at ours...' Told DH his mum was a nutter last night and he didn't disagree...

Thanks, I can't wait to see my family. Not just my parents but all my cousins etc. I feel that in seeing them and seeing how they parent (one of my cousins has a baby a month older than DS), I would feel more re-assured about my parenting... I really dislike the whole undermining issue that comes with her criticism, it makes me feel very vulnerable. I love cuddling DS sometimes to sleep in the afternoon for his naps as it brings back memories of my dad doing this with me when I was little... Stuff the MIL and her stiff upper lip I say!

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Original poster

angel1976 · 11/06/2008 16:50

Thanks Cicatrice, just glad to know I am not alone in wanting to have DS with me for a bit longer!

BTW, even DH is sick of how we are always carting DS off to see his parents when they could easily come to see us instead but they don't because of their dog... Also, when we are at their place, MIL takes over DS and it's as if I'm not there... I've decided I'm not putting up with that behaviour anymore either!

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