Would you leave your 3 year old to cry at night?

[TinySocks]

Sorry for yet another boring thread about sleep, I know there are far more interesting discussions out there!!! But PLEASE HELP. I am about to collapse with tiredness.

DS (3.4 years old) has been waking up far too early for the past year or so (anytime from 4:30 to 5:30), that is bad enough. [tired emotion]
But for the past 3 weeks he has also been waking up 3 to 4 times during the night, last night it was 10, 2am,4am and then at 5.

I cannot handle it anymore.

A friend told me that she thinks I should just leave him to moan when he wakes up during the night and he will soon stop. I haven't been strong enough to do this, I would feel really guilty.

The question is, have any of you with sleepless children tried doing this? And did it work? (bearing in mind that he is 3 years old).

I would try other things first, have you heard of the bunny alarm? where he has his eyes shut until its time to wake up then your ds will know when he is allowed to come and wake you. Is there something that could have started this?

If all else fails and he carries on then yes i would let him cry, waking up in the night and getting up early isn't on at his age. I'm a deep sleeper and when i was on my own with my dd1 I always thougth she was a great sleeper, slept through at 5mths but when i had dd2 dp used to have to wake me because i didnt hear her (only if it was a loud distressed cry i heard her) but it got me wondering if my dd1 hadn't been as good a sleeper as i'd thought maybe i just didnt hear her anyway dd1 nearly 9 and if it was that i didn't hear her it hasn't done her any harm.

I dont think youhe matter have much choice here in the matter. I dont think you're doing him any favours by going to him every time he wakes.
That said I cosleep so have no real idea!

For me the decider would be whether you thought he was scared or not. If he wakes up scared and crying, then I don't think I would leave him. If it's just generalised half-asleep wingeing, then I would.

What dip said really

At 3.4 he is old enough to discuss this with you

What dip said

well i had sleep therapist who said leave for 10 mins if you know all is well normally can tell with the cry whether more to it than just wimpering

give them the chance to settle themselves off if all fails go in calm words of its still night time go to sleep and leave the room

dont get into conversation if all is well only if having nightmare

if they learn to settle themselves they wont need you to go in all the time so it is a case of leaving for 10 mins if not settled then go in leave the room after settling words

but dont go in if just whimpering as he will get used to it and will not know how to settle himself off

you can normally tell difference with tone of cry good luck it is hard

what time does he go to bed also as they only need 10 hrs so early wake could be the right amount of sleep maybe bedtime needs to be bit later

and darken room if its the light coming through early in the morning

dip, that is exactly why I haven't been leaving him to cry, I am really worried that he might be scared. He has special needs and very limited language so I cannot ask him what the problem is (or discuss it with him!)

Thanks bubblegirl, that sounds like excellent advice. I'll try leaving it for 10 mintues for a few days and see what happens.

Lovemygirls, the bunny alarm wouldn't really work for him due to his limited understanding.

(maybe I should always mention in future posts that he has special needs )

tiny socks what is your ds SN my ds also has problems with sleeping very irratic and also SN

my ds also has limited language and understanding

Do you have a night light in his room ?

That way there's a nice gentle glow if he happened to wake and he doesnt find himself in total darkness.

bubblagirl he has a Global developmental delay caused by a brain atrophy. I haven't taught him yet the concept of "being scared" (very difficult to teach I think). He has just started using 2-3 word sentences (sometimes!) I can't wait to be able to have a conversation with him and ask him what the problem is, it would make life much easier if he could talk more.

It does appear that children with special needs have more problems with sleep. He used to be a dream baby, slept really well.

amner: I don't have a light in his room. The problem is that he doesn't stay in his bed when he wakes up, he gets up and starts wondering around the room. I get the feeling that if I put a light in his room it might make things worst. But I guess it is worth a try.

tiny socks my ds has HFA and also doesnt understand too much that is explained and obviously isnt aware of some emotions

he slept through until nearly 2 then hasnt slept all night since maybe the odd one here and there

we had night light didnt work i was told its because they dont understand how to settle themselves

when we wake we are aware its night and turn over and are able to go back to sleep where as they wake up and think its time to get up each time

in all honesty i was too tired dealing with it every night as dp works away so its just me and ds most of the time

i have bed on the floor in my room i will ALWAYS put him to bed in his bed on the hope he will sleep longer and longer but in the night i put him on bed in my room he goes straight off to sleep

i was told to do this as sleep therapist could see how tired i was and knew he had seperation anxiety in the night so we do this now i was lucky up until a month ago he started sleeping through 4 out of 7 nights all night in bed

he got ill and now its up and down again and in my room from about 12

but it works i get to get sleep his not so tired and unbearable the next day

hope you find ways of settling your ds x

Just a thought is he still in night nappies, DD 3.6 moans/cries at night when she does a wee or occ when she is waking and needs one. I discoved this by going in when she cried and feeling her nappy.
She is not awake enough to use the potty toilet ind and goes nuts if I try to lifther.
After about 5 mins she quietens and goes back to sleep.

yes leave him alone and let him earn to settle himself

Co-sleep for a bit?

sorry i was replying to OP only there

I don't know, it's hard to say but no, I wouldn't leave my 3yo to cry at night. There must be a reason he is so unsettled suddenly.
Hard for you, maybe there is a way to have him nearer (I co sleep with mine) though understand this is not an easy option!

If mine woke I would have to go to him and lie with him till he was Ok again. I did this for a while when we tried his own bed and it wore me out completely!! So he came back into my bed...

Thanks for your replies ladies.

bubblagirl: Goodness, it sounds really tiring for you. You mentioned seperation anxiety, I think that is what is happening to DS. As soon as I go in his room, I just put him in bed, no talking or anything and he goes straight to sleep, it seems that he just needs to be reassured that someone is there.

If things don't improve I think I would (very reluctantly) consider putting a mattress in my bedroom, but then how do you wean him off that?

Last night I told DH that I needed to sleep or die! He looked after DS, he tells me he left DS crying for half an hour (shock horror) at 10:30, and apparently DS didn't wake up again till 5.

WonderingWhy: Yes that is what I thought, there must be a reason and I cannot leave him to be upset. After all I was a child once and still remember how frightening a dark night can be. But to be honest, I just cannot deal with it anymore. I realise that all families are different, but in my case, I don't want DS sleeping in my bed.

i wouldnt recommend bringing your ds in your bed

we bought him in as i couldnt handle it and he wouldnt go in his room he would create and scream so was told to bring him in mine to get some sleep for both our sakes

the other advise is what we use now and he has started to get better he slept from 6 till 1-20 the other day in his own bed so its getting longer again we did crack 4 full nights so is frustrating to have slipped back again

the other advise was sitting on bedroom floor with back to them or facing but no eye contact no conversation took 5 mins for ds to fall back to sleep

that was the best one and still is

i also bought him a torch so if he woke he could have a little play shining the stars on his ceiling

also as mad as it sounds but we had to stop bedtime stories in his room as he was falling asleep with me reading and couldnt handle me not being there when he woke so i do story in living room then pop him to bed with half an hours tv and he falls asleep on his own and started sleeping through

it was apparantly because he fell asleep alone without me so mastered how to settle himself

but thanks to illness i had to have him near me as had temp of 102 and was fitting and now back to square one but it gets later and later his waking times so very soon we'll be all night again

good luck hope your ds settles too

also found leaving drink in cup by bed and torch was great as amusing himself and was able to settle

but i know tv in bed isnt good but my ds has seperation anxiety so best i am not in his room too long as he has only ever slept all night by me doing this

so i stick to what works as im on my own alot i cant have help to settle him as his dad is never back for bedtimes anyway

I didn't mean it as any criticism or suggesting it was the only way - I am clueless really about getting them to sleep through unless they are in with me. And I imagine I will be bribing mine with £20 notes to sleep alone when he is 12

Good luck, hope you find a way xx

Hello WonderingWhy: Sorry did I sound upset? I didn't take anything as a criticism at all.

I have actually converted now from being a mum worried about leaving her 3 year old to cry at night to a complete advocate!!

The first night, DH let DS cry when he woke up at 10:30. Last night, he slept through from 8 till 4am (I left him to moan again).

Let us see at what time he wakes up tonight. But I'm liking this!! I can see light at the end of the tunnel.