3.5 yo sleep - at a loose end

[Catchingrainbows]

At a loose end 🙃 - my boy used to sleep well from 6 months.

We sleep trained using Ferber method back then.

Since turning 3 he has been on and off with sleep.

Hes 3.5 years old now, no nap in the day.

He self settles going to bed. He will wake 1-2 times at night, we will just go in after a few minutes and he will settle back down.

Some nights are more unsettled with frequent wakes.

Some nights he sleeps through.

The consistency isn’t there. We’ve tried Ferber, cry it out, and currently just attending to wakes after a couple of mins saying the same thing each time. Keeping it boring. Minimal contact.

Using “now and next” cards for bed time routine, talking positively about him learning to get back to sleep on his own.

What am I doing wrong ? 😞

Well he's never really learnt to feel safe falling asleep as regularly he'll be upset and need you and noone has come. So when he wakes now he doesn't think, oh it's ok, they are just in the next room I'll snuggle down, he gets worried and anxious and needs to see you.
Personally I'd go in when he wakes, reassure him and check he's not hot/cold/can reach his drink etc., and then reassure him that he's safe and you're just next door and it's sleepy time. And as he gains confidence that you'll reappear his need to physically see you will decrease and he'll settle himself. Does he have a grow clock? It's harder when it's dark at wake up time as they can't always tell when it's actually time to get up or not.

Honestly? You’re doing nothing wrong. That sounds great for a 3.5yr olds sleep. You sometimes have to go in 1-2 times at night to settle him. Sometimes you don’t at all. I am so baffled by what the problem is!
You sleep differently every night right, sometimes better and sometimes worse, children are no different.
Appreciate you have a child that self settles to sleep and sometimes sleeps through.

No need for the sarcasm? Last night he stirred every hour from 9pm until 1am
and 1am - 1:30am he was unsettled
it is having an impact on my sleep
his sleep when we have nights like this, which is more regular than it used to be.

he used to sleep through consistently

even with the wake ups 1-2 a night sometimes, yes that seems better than some children , but I’m looking for a way to eliminate this

I understand this is normal to happen sometimes, but 2-3 times a week is Defintley, soemthing that can be improved

I don’t think you read my first post correctly, I said that we do go in their after a minute or 2 to see if he resettles himself first

we give him lots of positive affirmations throughout the day , lots of security that mummy and daddy are next door , sleeping too.

Thought this was place was a place for support not sarcasm or judgement ?

I have a 3.5 year old. If they wake in the night I just let them into our bed. This seems to have worked and he doesn’t come that often. Maybe once a week. I feel at this age he would have too much will power that re sleep training wouldn’t work. So I am just going with it that he has this safe option and not make it a battle ground.

You've complained that two replies are sarcastic, when they aren't. People are making suggestions based on what you have said (and Ferber and CIO do mean that your child has felt abandoned in the night, whatever you want to tell yourself about what you're doing now) so you are welcome to listen, or not. Your choice, but you don't need to get defensive when people are replying to you with regards to what you can do and whether it is normal.

I honestly didn’t intend my post to come across as sarcastic, you asked what you are doing wrong and I genuinely wanted to reassure you that you’re not doing anything wrong!

I wanted to shine a light on the positives in your post, as it’s easy to forget how much is going right when it’s going right. Self settling to sleep is fantastic at that age and sleeping through the night several nights a week is great. It’s not normal for all 3 year olds to sleep through the night every night.

Even as adults we don’t sleep consistently well every night, so reducing your standards may help a little. You say you want to eliminate those 1-2 wake ups some nights. I realise it’s not what you want to hear… but have you considered that maybe you can’t? That maybe this is just a short phase he’s going though, that will pass (very high chance based on his excellent history)

Not everything (especially with sleep) can be controlled. Maybe a little bit of acceptance that this is a short phase of needing your reassurance will take the edge of it. And if you have a partner make sure they’re sharing those night wakes equally / more if you’re struggling with the tiredness.

I’d really recommend looking at @heysleepybaby on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/heysleepybaby?igsh=bmxkbTgwYm90Ynhy
She does 2 things - normalise not sleeping though (takes away the feeling that you’re doing something wrong) but also gives you recommendations on how to try and improve different situations if you’re wanting to, which I’m sure will be appreciated more than my advice!

and Ferber and CIO do mean that your child has felt abandoned in the night

By the way I think this is rubbish. It doesn’t make sense imo. We sleep trained. Don’t have an issue with it. I just think it’s unrealistic to work on older children.

Hey, totally understand that. Unfortunately this won’t work for us.

Hello thank you so much, and apologies that I read it like that.
Thank you for kind words and the suggestions.
It does fill me with anxiousness about how the night will go, my partner isn’t the most supportive in the night and so it is me that’s doing all of this, which can take it’s toll.

Thank you

Urgh, if it’s all on you to always respond in the night and you’re feeling rubbish from it, no wonder you feel they need eliminating! I’d be exactly the same. The quickest and most effective solution for you is to share the load.
Explain to your partner that you’re really struggling dealing with this phase of night wakings solo, you know it’s only a short phase, but it’s taking its toll dealing with it solo.
You could suggest splitting the week 50/50 so Mon-Thurs he does night wakes, Fri - Sun you do. Or you could just ask that he always does Friday and Saturday (or whatever 2 nights would be best for you to know you’re going to get a decent chunk of sleep).
if he sleeps through a few nights on his own, your partner does 2 nights a week and you do the other 2 then it may feel more manageable.
if all else fails can he come into your bed so you’re sleep isn’t being disturbed? Or buy him a bigger bed so you can get in his and sleep well… But understand if he’s always been a good solo sleeper you may not want to start those habits.
Hope you find some tips on sleepy baby but can’t help think the fastest help could come from your partner 🤞

can you also ask your son why he calls for you when he wakes? Does he miss you (some people have a picture of them by the bed) is it the dark (a little nightlight). Working out what unsettles him that night may help. But please don’t feel you’re doing anything wrong, it’s totally normal to wake at 3 xx