Baby Bedtimes!

[CS86O]

I'm not sure if I'm after advice or reassurance!
My baby girl is 11 weeks tomorrow and I honestly do know that it is very young to be worrying about sleep schedules etc BUT I feel like we're fighting so many battles I just can't imagine any of them getting better....
She won't nap without being held or eventually in the pram or carrier but I honestly can't say I have any idea how long they should be etc because they vary so much. I do follow rough wake windows because that 90ish minute guideline seems to be right for her and it's much easier to get her to sleep if I stick to that. However it's harder of an evening because I go to bed for a few hours and my husband has her and brings her to bed when he thinks she's flat out and she fights sleep so badly with him that the nap/wake window thing goes out the window the minute I go to bed (8/9ish). She's not going to bed until around midnight and I'm worried that she's spending so much time in a stressed state because she's over tired that she only goes down for the night because she is literally exhausted!

She wakes for a feed around 5ish which is fine but whereas she used to spend a while coming out of sleep (noisily!) she now wakes up crying.

I see all these people with 8pm bedtimes for their newborns and I'm like how the hell do you do it!? If I try to put her to bed her eyes ping open the second she's down - seven times I tried last night and ended up putting on her red light projector thing (which people have stressed me out over by saying she will become reliant on it and it's bad practice......but white noise is ok to use indefinitely?!) and practically lying in the next-to-me with her and she was so tired she eventually drifted off but woke at 9am (which is too late for us really) with an immediate wake up and cried so I don't think she's in restful sleep lately as she usually wakes slowly and when I say good morning to her she's all smiles and is super content while I sort her bottle and a coffee!

My husband is going back to the office soon so he can't keep putting her to bed so late and getting up at 6 to travel to work.

I know they call it the newborn trenches but between not being able to put her down for naps and now she seems to be refusing going back to sleep for me in the night I don't know what to do.

Any success in gently training baby to fall asleep with crib side soothing? I'm thinking of trying it for naps over the next month or so until she's old enough for actual sleep training. I just hate the thought of her being in a stressed, overtired state so much!

Husband is amazing by the way but he's much more 'take each day as it comes, she will be fine!' and I'm more of a worrier and forward thinker so we're never on the same page 🤣
Thank you!

Just bumping for you as it is a long time since I had a newborn, but I don't want to leave you on 'unanswered threads' as these things always seem much bigger at this stage even though is sounds to me like you are sleeping from about 8.30pm until about 5am which sounds wonderful to me

Ha ha yes it does sorry! That's the routine we started because I'm expressing for her so I would get up when she came to bed and express then feed her at 2am and 6am- ish. We had a lovely week of her sleeping longer until 5ish but then the going to bed but started getting worse and we would both be awake. Now I'm trying to take over bedtime so my husband can sleep for work she's getting even worse going down to sleep again!

It's not really about my sleep it's her overtired, stressed state I'm worried about 😞

I would reccomend following the sound asleep guru on Instagram for advice and myth busting around sleep.

Honestly, don't worry about nap lengths or wake windows. Wake windows have no scientific basis. She's barely been outside your body, of course she doesn't want to nap or sleep independently. I think you need to adjust your expectations a bit. Just hold her for naps, or use the pram or carrier, don't make anything harder when you have an easier option. Don't worry about future sleep, just do what works today. It's completely normal for babies to wake at night well into their toddler years. I'd recommend books by Sarah Ockwell Smith and Dr Helen Ball about sleep. My 12 month has never had a set routine, we only started putting her to bed around 7pm when she was 6 months old. Before that we'd keep her with us in the evening downstairs, until we went to bed, as it's advised you're in the same room til 6 months. She has never napped independently, always contact nap, carrier or in the buggy. Your baby sounds entirely average for her age sleep-wise, and actually better than most babies I know that age! Don't see it as a 'battle' or 'challenge', just lean into it - the Possums approach is also really good, it's about doing naps on the go whilst you enjoy your day, and get baby lots of external stimulation.

I love the sound of that possums approach! Will look into it, thank you!

Daytime naps improved significantly by 6 months for both of mine. I did follow wake windows approximately, but I observed what was needed for my child rather than going with a blanket approach given by the internet.

I found tracking sleep (I used an app called huckleberry, unpaid version) helped me get an insight into sleep if ever I was struggling to get their sleep right.

It will all improve with time. At this age, they have so many naps it's just stressful having to settle them so many times a day.

Bed times will change too as they drop naps or their wake windows lengthen as they get older so I wouldn't worry too much about the bedtime you have currently not working. It will change.