At wits end with 4yo

[Chica1990]

I want to preface this by saying DS has never been the best sleeper and there are a lot of factors to my issues here. He slept through from 18-33 months old, then he became very unwell with a ruptured appendix and required surgery and we haven't slept since. The operation was in June 2024.

When we brought DS home from hospital after his operation we moved him to a bed, which he quickly figured out he can get out of by himself. He usually jumps into bed with us and that was fine with us, they're only young once and all that.

New baby came along 14 weeks ago. I started sleeping in a single bed in the new baby's room to allow DS to still jump in the big bed and not be woken up by the baby (as much).

i feel like DS barely sleeps any more but tonight i feel has crossed a line into atrocious. I had the baby wake up at 2am and when I was getting back to sleep at 3am my DS comes in saying he wants milk and daddy keeps snoring. I bring him into the small single with me and cuddle him, he asked for milk again so I took him to the toilet and got him milk in the hopes it makes him drowsy to go to sleep.

I don't know if this is relevant but I did involuntarily shriek downstairs at the sight of a massive spider in the hallway and I could hear DS calling to me asking if I'm ok.

I give DS the milk in the big bed and thought that would be the end of it. But he actually then proceeds to open my door and cry in the hallway saying daddy knocked him, so I bring him into my small single with me to cuddle and sleep. Instead he keeps waking me up when I'm about to drift off, keeps whining, says I'm squashing and hurting him (my arm 'squashed' his hand and I 'hurt' him by moving him over on the bed), being loud, jiggling himself so the bed feels like it's rocking, and in general being a massive pain in the arse. I told him we have a Halloween party tomorrow and we can't go if we don't sleep, I tell him I'm so tired, I tell him it's night time, I tell him he's going to wake the baby. He just doesn't care. I even gave him a back massage to try relax him to sleep.

Eventually he is in the middle of the bed, fully awake, kicking off covers but saying he's cold and just won't move over for me. It's a slim single so there is no space for me and I explain this. Eventually I scoop him to take him to the big bed which he is NOT happy about. He fights me when I enter the main bedroom so I put him down and he is crying his eyes out holding onto my leg. Granted, I am soft with him considering what he's been through (potential hospital trauma) and the fact there is a new baby so I comfort him and lay in the big bed with him until the baby has started crying again.

im amazed he hasn't come back to find me but I am wide awake reeling from the night. Why doesn't he sleep still? He's probably drifted off now but he will be up at 6 I imagine.

Sorry this is long but thank you for reading if you made it through 😭

My strategy for night waking was no lights, no talking, no engagement. Just lead him back to his own bed. The only thing I would say is ‘It’s night time, time for sleeping.’ It will probably take a few nights, but if you are consistent it will work. Inconsistency will undermine you.

I think giving milk is going to make the situation worse TBH. If he’s thirsty he can have a bit of water.

During the day time, talk about how night time is for sleeping and everyone sleeps in their own bed. Nobody eats or drinks at night except the baby because babies’ tummies are tiny and they are growing a lot. Big kids like him, and mums and dads don’t need milk at night.

Some kids might talk about being ‘lonely’ and don’t understand why mum and dad get to share a bed, but they don’t. It’s actually good you’re sleeping in with the baby, because you can say that everyone has their own bed and you all sleep better in your own beds.

I know you're right. I'm not making excuses but when I'm up in the night I can't sleep until I've eaten either so I've thought if I have something, shouldn't he be able to? But I am soft and need to be stronger for all our sakes. Consistency is also an issue for us because now my husband mainly sorts him (when he wakes up) and he has hopeless in the night and will take any easy turn and decision.

I will tell him tomorrow we seriously need to agree and stick to an action plan

It’s hard when you’re groggy from lack of sleep and just want to get everyone back to bed. Try to remind yourself it’s short term pain for long term gain.

It's a very difficult transition and if he's already a light sleeper, it doesn't help.
If it continues and is impacting his daily life, book an appointment with a consultant pediatrician through your GP, ask for melatonin, it was life changing for us, it doesn't work on every child.
We forgot it on a weekaway. DS didn't sleep a wink, he was moving, tossing, kicking, couldn't relax.

GP won’t prescribe melatonin for children, Specialist initiation only.

A pediatric consultant can prescribe it, if referred by the GP.
It's worth going private.

Oh that's interesting you got it. I always thought melatonin was to help people actually drift off to sleep, does it help them continue sleeping through the night? Pardon my ignorance.

i actually totally forgot i did go to the docs to discuss this last year and was told sleep can take 9-12 months to return to normal after a health issue ikr he had and we are way past that now so I think I'll go back again to the GP and see if I can get a referral.

Is he acting out because of the baby? We had something similar; 'bad' behaviour apparently unrelated to the baby but coincidentally at the same time as there being a new baby in the house. Carried on for a few months and eventually got better on its own

Husband problem not a kid problem IMO.
if I was looking after a 12 week old while my DH got the four year old and he let him repeatedly wander into my room we’d be having words.
I remember that time well though, it’s normal for a four year old to miss you with a new baby and play up for attention. Dad needs to fill the gap and distract him better. Unless there is some reason he can’t do this?

It's possible the new baby could be a factor but I'd be surprised. He's taken the new arrival so well, seems to really love him, he's never asked when the baby is going back etc. We are also very fortunate my mum does condensed hours so she comes over and holds the baby every Wednesday whilst me and DS spend time together (he isn't in nursery Wednesdays). I also take him to his (many) friends parties without the baby so he does get one on one time with us.

I honestly don't think DH means for this to happen. He did say he told DS not to come in the baby's room and I imagine this is why he opened the door and stayed there to cry. Also I did tell DH to get the milk the other night and when I took DS to the toilet I could hear DH snoring again! He seems to have a sieve memory in the night, he's just not with it.
I should point out he's not always like this, for example DH gets up with DS in the morning and gets him ready and takes him to nursery which is a huge load off of me. When we ask DS who he wants to put him to bed he almost always choses his dad. He's very capable and hands on in playing, entertaining and feeding us all in the day.