My 7 year old son co-sleeps with me

[MommaSJ]

So I have a 7 year old son who wants to co-sleeps with me. He has done pretty much all his life. I was in a bad relationship for years before separating. I'm separated from his dad a year and we are not on good terms.

I got him bunk beds to share with his younger brother and he spent one night in it and didn't want to again. The last 3 nights he would promise tomorrow will be the night. I told him that he needed to sleep alone and brought him to his room. He fell asleep alright but he cried himself to sleep.

My heart is breaking that I upset him. How can I approach this situation. He wants to cuddle me at night but I just want my bed back

I think if you just decide, and be consistent, he will accept it. Kids often just take our lead on these things and respond well to us being really clear and predictable. So maybe telling him that from next week, he will go in his own bed. You could maybe take him shopping for a new teddy or duvet set, something that would mark the occasion. Prepare him that you want to help him learn to sleep alone, so if he gets up at night he will get a quick cuddle then you bring him back to his own bed. That’s the tough bit though - in the night it’s easier to just let them in, but I’d say you have to be prepared to do that for a few nights or even weeks, to teach him you mean this. You could even do a sticker chart for a whole night in his own bed, if you think that would appeal to him.

My 7yr old DD would be delighted if I invited her to bedshare with me! I let her stay if she wakes and comes through due to a bad dream etc, however now and again she will come through many night in a row and I have to make the boundary again by bringing her back. I don’t sleep as well with her there and she needs me bright as I can to be a good mum in other ways. We also always have great bed cuddles in the morning so maybe you could reassure him that he won’t lose the cuddles, they just don’t happen at sleeping times. Last tip is that she has a clock that changes colour when she’s allowed to get up. If your boy is telling the time you could just use a normal clock for him to know when is an appropriate time to come through (unless he’s ill or upset).

I would think it’s anxiety based. He’s been through his parents separation and prior to that he was witnessing whatever was bad about the relationship.

Lots of reassurance and trying to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to be with you, so you can focus on that.

I'd just let him sleep with me tbh it won't be forever m

I would let him be with you. My lb is nearly 9 and is in my bed more than his ! I really don’t care and on the odd occasion my 11 year old hops in too but she tends to love her space so I just go with it . It won’t last forever though I do wonder if it would be different if there was a man in our house!

I'd let him sleep with you.
My 16yo DD still sleeps in my bed sometimes as she struggles with her mental health. She was there every night from 2-13yrs.

He will grow out of it let him be nx to you

My DD was like this for yrs. She is now 15 (nearly 16 and I promise since about 11 hasn't slept in my bed! Despite years of me trying and battling to get her out of my bed)

She also went through my divorce. She has since been diagnosed with ASD. After all the other stuff from her which exhausted me, I just gave in. Right decision. She needed me. She decided when to do it by herself. No regrets with this. Despite at the time stressing.

Our DS is 9 and sleeps with us at the weekend but in his own bed on school nights but was solely in our bed until 8.5. He says he just loves being close to us so that's fair enough! Hes a very happy and confident lad, just very loving and close.

I would let him sleep with you. My DD slept with me on & off till she was nearly 18 & then just stopped. She always struggled with sleep & still suffers from anxiety but she is maturing and her confidence is growing. She left home for university this year and doing really well. I do think if children feel safe they will develop at their own pace and its ok. Encourage him periodically to sleep on his own but don't push too hard.

I could have written this myself. My 7 year old has slept in with me every night since the divorce. He previously slept in his own bed and room from 6 months old no problem. That along with following me from room to room, he just doesn't want to be alone, it's comforting to him and I've made my peace with it now. He won't feel like that forever but it was important for me to be able to provide him that comfort for now. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

My DD slept with me from around 3 (when her dad left) to 11. She’d start off in her own bed but always came in when she woke in the very early hours of the morning. Most nights I didn’t even notice she’d got in. She just wanted to be in a warm snuggly bed. Can’t say I blame her, who doesn’t? It didn’t bother me. I knew she’d grow out of it. And she did.

I used to do musical beds with DD. I’d get in her bed when she came into mine.
She wanted reassurance. I’d let your DC sleep in with you until he’s ready to sleep alone.

I agree with others, if you both sleep OK what's the harm. You've both been through alot.

My DD had to sleep with me when our house was rearranged to make room for a hospital bed downstairs when DH was ill. She was 10 at the time.
She continued to sleep with me for nearly a year after he died. She needed it. Then we redecorated her room, made it lovely and soon after she was ready to sleep in it.

My 13 year old still wants to sleep with me! She is autistic and slept every night with me until she was six. I would just let her sleep with me all the time but I'm a teacher and get up very early to do school prep (too tired to do it the night before. So we have a set night a week when she is allowed to come in with me. Would it work to just let him come in at weekends?

Surprised by your positive responses @MommaSJ ! Me and dd 3 moved out of ds6 room this summer holidays in preparation for night weaning (breastfed) and independent sleeping of dd - her sleep was so disrupted from him, and she needs a lot of sleep (he's low sleep needs and wakes every night). I would not be surprised at all if he's back in with me when i train dd, and honestly, I miss him! Dh is amused by the whole thing as he gets to hog our king bed and escape my snoring...

Co sleeping is the best imo x

DS9 still co-sleeps. I gave up trying to keep him in his. He’ll want it when he older but for now why not.

Let him sleep with you. What a shame crying himself to sleep because he wanted to be with you 😭

It sounds like he needs the reassurance right now. I'd just go with it. It's lovely that you are his safe space and bring him so much comfort. Just think how much better he must sleep feeling all cosy and safe next to you

I know people say "carry on like that and they'll be in your bed as teenagers" but I just don't see that as a bad thing. They all stop eventually, but how wonderful for them to always know that if they need you they can slip into bed with you and have that comfort and security. I think that is a wonderful gift for a child. As they navigate teenage years, heartbreak, disappointments etc and are lying awake at night distressed, they know they don't have to be alone and you will always be there if they need you.

I don't want to teach my children that I'm only there for them during the day and they must lie awake at night without coming to me.

Aw it's nice to hear other people letting their older kids co-sleep too. I was the worst sleeper ever as a kid and developed really bad insomnia when my parents kicked me out of their bed when I was 7. I'm in my 40s now and still find sleep difficult. 😑

My DC is still in my bed and I'm fine with it. It won't be forever and quite frankly I love the snuggles.

Same. 8 year old daughter has been in with me since her dad left a year ago, having never coslept before. It's just what she needs right now and I'm going with it. I really sumpathise about the lack of space, it's a lot. Are there other ways you can get some of that back? I've taken to having very long baths when she's asleep.

Given what's happened, I'd let him keep sharing with you. Or would he consider a mattress on the floor so he's near you?

Just let him sleep with you. It’s fine. He’ll grow out of it. If they need comfort, give them comfort.

I'd try a more gradual approach. I've always stayed with my DS until he fell asleep and now at 8.5 he is happy to be left with me sitting outside his room. He creeps in at night but will go back to his own room and now falls asleep independently. So maybe stay with him whilst he falls asleep in his bed then leave. Tell him he knows where you are in the night if he needs you.

I think just let him sleep with you.
Maybe if he starts the night in his own bed, and his room is all nice for him, but he knows if he needs you in the night that he can come in, then he will gradually have more confidence and feel safer to sleep.

He will grow out of it. Mine are all adults now, but they all co-slept when they needed. My middle child was coming and settling at the end of my bed every night for a while when he was a fair bit older than yours because he was really unsettled about other stuff.

I feel its really important to try and work out what your own child needs, and start from there. People expect so much emotional maturity from such young children.

Making our children sleep alone is a cultural thing. Even lots of adults hate to sleep alone.