6yo cannot fall asleep herself

[harlequinmango]

6yo DD has always been a good sleeper and once asleep will usually sleep from 8/8.30-7, she has never been one to fall asleep by herself so I've always stayed in the bedroom until she drifts off, which has never been an issue (she shares a room with 3yo DD).
recently she has been waking in the night, every night, either for the toilet or for no apparent reason, and she is unable to fall back asleep herself so will wake me to go and sit with her. She can take upwards of an hour to drift back off, flailing about, moaning about needing a blanket, a drink, a nightlight, anything possible to stay awake and I am exhausted. if I refuse she will kick off or lie in bed and cry getting louder and louder until I give in because I don't want her waking her sister.
we seem to be stuck in this cycle and I don't know how to get out of it, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

She's six years old. Goodness.
The only way out of the cycle is to stop. You've been doing this for six years? When did you last watch a film with a glass of wine of an evening or go to a gym class etc? You must be incredibly patient. Have you tried to tackle this in the past with reward charts or rapid return (Supernanny style)?

If she’s not able to do it at the start of the night when sleep pressure is highest then if you think about it makes perfect sense she won’t be able to do it in the middle of the night either. So you need to tackle bedtime. IDK if this would be feasible without disturbing the younger sibling but what about keeping their door open and then having a busy job to do and popping in and out so you don’t exactly stay with her but you’re on the landing sorting laundry where she can hear/see you. Yoto player can also be good if she’d fall asleep listening to a story, so long as it doesn’t disturb the youngest. Then overnight pre empt anything she’s likely to ask for- blanket on the foot of her bed she can pull up if cold, water bottle on her beside table in case thirsty, night light in the corridor in case she needs the loo.

Waking in the night could be a sign that someone or something is upsetting her. My son had trouble going to bed and sleeping by himself. I really disagree with the tough mother ethos of Supernanny ( who has no professional qualifications). You could play games with her with her dolls, she's the mummy putting the baby to sleep and listen to what she says.

Double bed if there's space, she'll grow out of it in no time at all and I could never ever be bothered with nighttime battle of wills.

Its a phase and maybe theyre going through something. I just get in bed with mine, give them a snuggle and tell them to be quiet as Mummy is going back to sleep.

Can you get her one of those little machines that plays stories? She can turn it on if she wakes up in the night and listen to them until she falls asleep again. She’s old enough for you to be able to explain this to her. Or if you really have to continue going in at night time use the stories as reason not to engage in chat etc that delays sleep eg “shh I’m listening to the story”.

Also regularly do a “I’m just going to the loo/get myself a water/do the washing up” pop outs during bedtime. Start leaving the room very briefly then increase the time.

It’s unusual for mammal young to sleep alone so not wanting to be alone is a perfectly “normal” way to feel. If you slept in a tent or cave set up, you wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them on their own either. They’re not going to want you when they’re 15 years old, I shouldn’t think. So just do what gets you the most sleep. We’ve actually put a mattress on the floor in our room for our similarly aged youngest to use anytime…. At the moment, it’s all the time! But I’m sure they’ll want to be in their own room again soon enough. Our other kids never needed it as they love to be on their own but our youngest definitely does.

You need to tackle bedtime first and the middle of the night will follow.

It'll be a rough few nights, but she should get it pretty quickly at age six.

She’s never learnt to self sooth on her own.
when we sleep we sleep in a cycle. Non rem (a heavy sleep), rem (the productive sleep) , then we partially wake. Rem and non rem last approx 3 hours. Everyone after having rem and non rem sleep will partially wake. It’s at that time you know you need the loo, your partners snoring. If something is happening or you need something you’ll wake up. If everything is good, we start the cycle again going into non rem, rem and partially wake.
with children they need to fall asleep how they are going to stay asleep. So if they have a dummy in and it falls out they are likely to wake up at the partial wake stage. If the light was on and now off, if you are there and now gone, if they are downstairs now in their room.
your daughter has started to realise something is different at the partial waking stage and it wakes her up.
support her to learn to fall asleep on her own. Sit by the bed rather than on it, after a few days move a foot away and continue until you no longer need to be in the room. Be firm. Don’t give in or you’ll make the situation worse. The nighttime’s should then sort themselves out.

Does she have a bed big enough for you to get into? I bought a double for DS when I was pregnant with his brother because he was a terrible sleeper back then and I couldn’t bear to sit in the nursing chair with him. He is 4 now and sleeps fine but occasionally will wake in the night and one of us always just gets in bed with him and tells him if he goes to sleep we will stay but if he messes around and keeps us awake we won’t.

I know people say they have to sleep alone etc etc but it’s not a big enough issue for me to be bothered as it’s not that often and when it does happen it makes me think well he needs me and I want to be able to look back in the future and know he knew I was there for him when he needed me ❤️

Username checks out 😉

My older ones very occasionally still do it- and it's lovely.

Be quiet or I'm going 🥰

Thankyou all for your replies.
Honestly it's just never been an issue before, DH works away for weeks at a time so if she needed me to be there while she fell asleep then fine. It's only now becoming an issue because she is waking in the night and waking us all up when she does so we're all tired and grumpy the next day.
im not a fan of the super nanny techniques but i will take onboard your advice.
she did go through a few months of self settling and falling asleep on her own when youngest DD was a baby and was in our room because she had no choice so I know that she is capable, but now that they share a room it's just became routine again that I sit with them until they drift off.
she has a yoto and listens to an audio book every night but won't turn it on if she wakes in the night, she will wait for me to do it when I go through. Unfortunately we've no room for a double bed, she's on the top bunk so it isn't as simple as me getting in with her and I don't want to start bringing her into bed with me because I feel like that would just start a whole new thing.
helpful to know about the sleep cycles and rem Thankyou, she is unwell tonight but I will give some of your suggestions a go this week and see how we get on.

No advice OP just sympathy, 5 year old DS won't go to sleep without one of us (me) staying with him.

He also still gets in to our bed in the night, but not every night, and to be fair he has got better at doing it without waking us up! I'm not too bothered about this aspect of it but DH hates it (despite the fact DS gets in on my side and there's plenty of space).

We tried the supernanny technique for bedtiem on DS when he was about 3, just taking him back to bed over and over again every time e got up, but on the second night he cried so much he was sick so we stopped because it was too awful.