4 year old NEVER sleeps through, I need help!!

[MaxineBarratt]

My 4 year old DD has only slept through the night on her own around 10 times in her entire life. We’ve tried everything, sleep training when she was a baby, ensuring that she falls asleep independently as a child, night lights, black out, white noise, bedroom door open, door closed, mum in the room, bed sharing - you name it we’ve tried it.

We had her in a double size floor bed for 2 years and I would often sleep in it with her, that was the best sleep we’ve had but she’s a very fidgety sleeper so I would still rarely get an undisturbed night because she’d be kicking me in the ribs. I wanted to break the habit of me just climbing into bed with her so we’ve put her in a single bed with a trundle mattress thinking that I could in worst case scenario sleep on that if she’s really upset but she just will not go for it. She wakes up 2-4 hours after being put down, often just lying in bed with her eyes shut cry/whining - it’s like she’s annoyed that she’s awake - if we leave her it turns into a full meltdown, sitting up and crying mamamamamama. We tell her every night that she can get out of bed and come to our room if she wants but she never does. If we resettle her at that first wake in her own bed she’ll wake again anything between 10 minutes - 2 hours later. It’s SO exhausting and frustrating.

Her bedtime is 8ish, we’ve tried earlier and later with no difference. She’s pretty good at bedtime, falling asleep independently and quickly, it’s just the waking that we can’t figure out. She’s been at preschool and nursery for a long time so I know she’s not over/under tired - I keep thinking it can’t be THIS bloody complicated to get a child to sleep well.

has anyone experienced this and figured out how to resolve it?? Everyone else’s children just seem to start sleeping through suddenly like the flip of a switch but she’s nearly 5 and it’s not getting any better! Please help, I’m desperate for some good sleep!!

Is it night terrors waking her up?

I’ve got one that’s almost sleeping through finally at 8. None of the things they say to try worked. I just used to get in bed with them when I heard the first whine and often they fell asleep again and then I’d go back to my own bed. It’s exhausting

No advice, but it might help you a bit to know that my 4yo has never ever ever ever slept through the night. So I’m all ears for the suggestions.

Joking aside, it’s not actually too painful as he always wakes before midnight and then just comes into bed with us and conks out again. So it could be much worse. But I have a feeling he’ll still be coming in when he’s 18. If he has a cuddle in his own bed he will go straight back to sleep, but will wake again and come into our room.

My eldest started sleeping through suddenly, without help and totally independently at just turned 9. Her younger sister is almost at that age and not there yet 🤷🏼‍♀️ some kids just can’t/don’t sleep. Try and go with the flow if you can. We have coped by bed sharing for the most part. It does end. Good luck!

Some children just don’t sleep through the night, just like some adults don’t. I’ve never slept through the night, as a child or adult. The problem is that she’s not self settling back to sleep once she’s woken up, and that’s the bit you need to crack. Have you tried something like a yoto player if she likes listening to stories?

My daughter used to be similar - she is 5 now and will come in to us if she wakes (which isn't regularly any more). I read something once about 'confusional arousals' and it really matched her, it was always an ordeal! Sorry to say but nothing made a big difference apart from her growing out of it. I did notice a small improvement when I stopped her having an evening drink of cows' milk. Also a slight improvement from getting a Gro Clock just so that I could more easily explain that if the clock was blue and she woke up, I was going to help her get back to sleep and if it was yellow we could get up.

My daughter is 10 and I don't think she sleeps through the night now. I think what actually happened is by the age of about 5 she just stopped waking us up and decided she would play with her cuddlies in bed instead. When we had our son I was ready for the same but he just slept!
I am not a great sleeper and if I wake in the night I might read for a bit, have a snack or listen to an audiobook. I think it took me a while to accept that she is the same and that pressure to be asleep in the night is anxiety inducing. Perhaps get her some small cuddlies and a low night light and let her know that if she wakes its fine to play with them quietly in her bed. Take the importance of sleeping away.

Thank you all. Just knowing we’re not alone is a great help to be honest. Every mum I speak to seems to have children that sleep 7-7 and it just makes me so despondent.

Funnily she slept through the 2 nights after posting this but then last night was back to her old tricks. Daddy hyped her up at bedtime and then she wouldn’t go to sleep and I lost my cool a bit which never helps. She’s very small for her age and I do wonder whether that might have an impact if anyone can speak to that?

@LapinR0se she has the occasional nightmare but usually when she wakes the feeling I have is that she’s annoyed about being awake. She’ll
often roll around moaning for a few minutes like she’s trying to sleep but can’t and then it escalates to full crying out and sitting up. We also limit screen time to only morning and early afternoons and allow lots of free play before dinner to let her process her day to try and minimise bad dreams. I have thought that maybe she has a tummy ache but she never articulates that…

Maybe I just need to lean back into it and sleep on with her again but I do feel like without encouragement she won’t voluntarily start doing it 😂

My dd was a lot younger but have you looked into cranial osteopathy? It may have been a fluke but for me it was the best £50 I ever spent. My dd was a total PITA always content with a 10 min Power Nap. She went to this practitioner had her head twiddled with and she slept right through ever since. She’s 14 now. It’s non evasive and I’d really recommend it to anyone.

I bought a book called it's never too late to sleep train and it worked within days for my 4 year old I was astounded, such simple advice (obviously no cry it out they would just come find you lol) but really effective. My first born is the same though and often sleeps in with me

Exactly the same as @Bufyio here, except we also now have a 1yo who is a nightmare sleeper, which makes me LONG for the days when I could just lay down next to the 4yo and we’d both snooze (even with the occasional wriggle and headbutt). I cannot recommend having another baby as a solution though.

I really empathise!

Also have a 2yo and a 4mo, so on evenings like tonight where my husband is at work I’ve just given up and got into bed with them all! 😂

I think the 2yo had potential to be a better sleeper than the eldest, but it was tricky as I have always needed to stay with him to get him to sleep, so when doing bedtime solo it meant that she had to be with us too. And now she’s got used to that.

We are planning to try and get them to at least start the night independently in their own rooms, before the baby cottons on and becomes our third limpet!

Aww @Bufyio it’s quite a sweet picture really - when you’re not the one living with three kids swarming all over you in bed 😂 I so recognise that desperate resolution to do things differently next time!

@MaxineBarratt For what it’s worth, I think this is MUCH more common than is generally acknowledged. Lots of my DD’s nursery friends are still co-sleeping with parents, for some of the night at least. Not a solution, obviously! But sometimes changing perspective can help. Good luck!

I have a very similar situation, I have twin 4 year old girls, raised exactly the same but one has been so bad sleeping from 4 months old. This January past, we have started treating her for Constipation due to the restlessness at night and one other symptom, she crossed her legs a lot, we never realised she was holding.. So we seen an improvement in her blocks of sleep but still the frequent wakings were bad.
We then spent a lot of time making toileting fun and silly and her going to the toilet more independently and not holding has massively improved sleep.
I wish my GP had seen the signs sooner to treat for gut issues but it was very discreet and hard to recognise.

I'm sharing this on the off chance it would help or anyone else. It's very difficult and wish you the best of luck x

Sounds sort-of like me.
Except I could never fall asleep.
Followed me my entire life.
It made my mum furious with me, even though I wasn’t staying awake on purpose.
Finally, about 3 years ago, someone believed me.
I have a bad case of insomnia. No matter how hard I work, no matter how far I run or how many push-ups or sit-ups or whatever I do, I just cannot fall asleep.
You can’t begin to imagine my relief when that doctor said “Let’s see what we can do.”
I’ll be 70 in a very short while.
67 years is a long time to not be able to fall asleep.

@MaxineBarratt why is it you that has to deal with it? If DH wound her up he can be dealing with the waking in the night.

It’s been a while for me since I experienced this but my second dd was an absolute awful sleeper. I tried everything and finally tried cranial osteopathy and it was the best £50 I ever spent. A banana an hour before bed can really help as can a low dose of magnesium even a magnesium spray on their legs and pillow. My sister is experiencing the same with her 3 year old but I’ve said consistency is key if you try something for a few nights and it’s not working you need to stick to it consistently for 2-3 weeks before trying something else. I can offer the wisdom that my dd now 15 is literally a sleep monster and is now totally the other way, bed at 8 of own accord and rarely awake before 11 on a weekend. Hang on in there!

Mine was a night owl, she stopped naps very early and just didn't seem to need the amount of sleep, going to bed later helped her sleep through. She's grown up now and still doesn't seem to need as much sleep as mere mortals!