DH wants to sleep train our baby

[QueenOfWeeds]

I do not. She is not quite 4 months.

He finds it frustrating that she only reliably contact naps (I can get one nap a day in the cot, but length varies from 10 mins to 2 hours, no rhyme or reason why). She is also a particular pest at night and is up every 90 mins - 2 hours for a feed and sometimes needs multiple settles to get her back down. She is EBF, so these feeds do disturb him, but don’t actually require any input from him. He also wants to switch her to formula so that he can help more with feeds (I’ve tried pumping, can’t get enough at all). Everything he wants to do goes against my parenting instincts but he thinks we (let's be honest - I) have spoiled her through too many cuddles.

DD1 only contact napped until 10 months, when it suddenly clicked for her. I think DH is frustrated because he wants to help more, and I could be more involved with our toddler if I could put the baby down.

I will not be sleep training her but would like some scientific evidence for contact napping/being led by her for sleeping. Anyone got any good links? I know I’m doing the right thing for her at the moment but would like to be able to give proper reasons other than “it feels right”.

Basis is the classic:
https://www.basisonline.org.uk/

You can introduce a bottle of formula a day without needing to drop breastfeeding! At this stage it won't be a supply issue.

If youve been exclusively breastfeeding I'd wager the pump output was driven by an issue with pump function or fit.

Thank you! We have tried to introduce a bottle of formula around DD1’s bedtime, so I can be there if she is asking for me, but DD2 won’t take it for DH, only me. We’ve also tried expressed milk with similar results but it took ages to get enough.

I’ve tried 3 different pumps, using new pump parts/flange inserts and only get maybe 1oz at a time. I do think feeding is probably contributing to the short sleep cycles but the health visitor told me she should be having 10-12 feeds a day, so every two hours is right. I’ve booked a breastfeeding support clinic so we’ll see where that goes.

DD1 was formula fed because I had supply issues. So this is a whole new area to me and I feel so sad that our views aren’t aligned on it.

Your baby is still very very young and if it feels right to you then it is right. We did sleep train ds many many years ago but not at 4 months, she still needs you and her and your needs come first. You could do a bottle feed if you want to we did so DH could do the 11pm ish feed so I had some sleep but if you do not want to then don't. Your dh can do many other things to help out right now.

Our very, very experienced private paediatrician gave us the go ahead to sleep train at 4 months, after the regression and said it is a good time to start. We waited though for 10months as felt she was too little. But by month 10 I was at my limit and very happy to sleep train

If you’re happy with how things are then don’t be bullied into changing.If he wants to help more, then how about he takes over the cooking or the laundry?

He’s already doing a lot around the house, and is very busy with work so neither of us having any proper downtime really. I think he thinks I’m keeping her contact napping because I want to just sit around and watch TV (which I do sometimes, obviously). But she also naps in the carrier whilst I do some jobs, or sleeps on me whilst I play with our toddler.

I sent him a link to a BMJ article on sleep expectations but he still wants her to be more independent and ultimately I just think he’s being unrealistic. It took us about 20 months to get DD1 to sleep through the night, but (until DD2 came along) we could put her in her bed, say goodnight, walk out of her room at 8pm and she would stay in her bed reading happily or sleeping until 7am. So I don’t think we ruined her sleep, and DD2 is better at this age than DD1 was!

It sounds like he's coming from a good place of wanting to be more involved.

I didn't sleep train in the Ferber sense and I dont regret it. I did make lots of little changes to improve sleep gently. I dont think leaving my baby to cry for 15 minutes at a time aged 4 months woild have been something I could have managed.

@Mulledjuice he really is, but I’m struggling with PND/A and it all feels like a personal attack. I’m going to have to be more confident about standing my ground, I think.

If you’re struggling with PND then that’s probably why he’s saying this, he’s thinking you need more sleep and bit more time without baby attached to you? I’m not saying he’s right by the way, I’m just saying how he could be thinking that.