breaking feeding to sleep

[stripemarshmallow]

My son is a serial feed to sleeper.
just about to turn 1, his routine seems to be working fairly well, still have 2 wake ups a night and hes never slept through, obviously hoping this changes soon. I'm exhausted.
my partner does his bedtime with a bottle of milk and he goes down fine but any night wakes, if its not me and my boobs he will not go back to sleep, my partner has tried every wake up for months, sometimes up to 45 mins, he just holds out and his cries get worse and worse until I feed him.
hes deffo eating and drinking enough in the day and he isn't taking big feeds so i'm sure its just habit. any advice very welcome !!
kindly - not interested in ferber method, it wouldn't suit his temperament and it's not for us

I’m not sure breaking the feed to sleep habit is the way to go personally as you might then be left with a wide awake LO and no way of getting them to sleep.

That doesn’t mean that things have to continue as they are.

If he’s happy to have a bottle at bedtime then go out for a few nights whilst he’s doing the bedtime routine. I found mine cried for the bedtime feed if they knew I was around but if they knew I wasn’t there, they just went to sleep.

You might want to tackle the night wakings first instead. If you’re having a decent stretch of sleep at night then it might make you feel less resentful of the bedtime feed?

Have you read up on Dr Jay Gordon’s gentle night weaning method?

bedtime doesn't tend to be a problem, he will go down with a bottle of milk, its the night wakes that i'm hoping to either stop OR have him settle from other methods so I can tag team it with my partner as thats when he will only take boob!
I havent looked at this method, i'll take a look

bedtime doesn't tend to be a problem, he will go down with a bottle of milk, its the night wakes that i'm hoping to either stop OR have him settle from other methods so I can tag team it with my partner as thats when he will only take boob!
I havent looked at this method, i'll take a look

Definitely have a look at the method I linked to. Ferber isn’t the only way

I would also have a read of 12 alternatives for the all night nurser.

The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers has some useful tips too and have a read of this on normal infant sleep

thank you this is so helpful, nice to see some resources that suggest some different strategies too. his day feeds have decreased significantly due to the amount of food he has but I might try some extra boob tomorrow to see if it helps!

Definitely see if you can add a feed in during the day. If you want him to reduce his milk intake it’s much better that he does that at night

Does he fall asleep on the bottle?

DD was the same and when she was about 13 months we decided the night waking seemed more habit than need.

I fed to sleep at bedtime as usual then when she woke in the night DH went in and cuddled and rocked her til she went back to sleep. She protested vociferously the first night, a fsor amount the second night, token protests night 3, and then she slept through.

I doubt we'd have succeed with me trying to get her back down as she'd have been able to smell the proximity of the milk.

It was fairly painless really so I feel like we pitched the age about right.

Maybe give him a month or two and then try again?

yes but only for when hes starting sleep eg going down for a nap/going to bed, any wake ups and he'll only settle for boob

i'm convinced this is also habit, thats what is driving me insane, i'm sat in the dark feeding him now, he wakes at 11:30pm like clockwork even if we move bedtime a bit, partner has been trying again for 45 mins and he just will not settle, i've gone in and he's fed for 30 seconds and dropped to sleep.
I dont know if I can do this another month, I know in the grand scheme of things its a fleeting moment but I am so so tired 😫

My friend had a baby. I'm planned in her late teens

Parenting was different back then. There was no co sleeping, baby wearing, feeding to sleep, etc or it wasn't widespread

From when he was about six months old, if he woke up, she stuck a dummy in his mouth without even picking him up.

He went back to sleep without being fed

I don't get the hate for dummies. I wish I'd had one. I sucked my thumb instead until I was much older and needed expensive and painful orthodontic work. A dummy can be taken away, but if your child develops a problem with thumb, sucking, you can't cut their hand off and you can't police it.Especially at night

I'm guessing, giving him a dummy now wouldn't work because it's not what he's used to
Might give him something to do, though something to suck on

Firstly I would try and stop the falling to sleep with the bottle...baby has an association with feeding and going to sleep. Can you give the bedtime bottle, then story, then bed so there is a slight gap in between. I had similar waking at midnight with BF baby (14 months) - waking when I'd not long gone to sleep myself, it was really frustrating. Husband tried dummy but nothing except the comfort of the boob worked. I knew baby wasn't hungry, I think he just wanted a cuddle/ reassurance and got himself into a litt habit/routine of this waking. . ( He had previously slept through before starting with the midnight wake though) It was easier and less painful all round to just give him a quick BF - he would only feed for a couple of mins though then back to sleep. It was just a phase and it thankfully passed after a few weeks. With my older child I started offering water when she woke at night (and I knew she wasn't hungry). This did the trick at a couple of nights but second baby was definitely more into the boob!! Bit I do think breaking the link with feeding to sleep at bedtime helps their ability to settle themselves when they wake

Well the problem is he’s used to feeding to get to sleep you need to stop this feed association. He literally doesn’t know how to go to sleep without sucking on something.

no dummy hate here, they were great for us for a time. He had a dummy and naturally weaned himself off it from 8 months, literally just would spit it out like he was confused we'd put something in his mouth, would absolutely be using one now if he would take one!

thanks thats helpful, he had bottle and is then rocked but will try switching up his routine and putting his book at the end.

we've also tried water and even a bottle of milk for that wake and he will drink a bit but then protest until boob appears and the protesting is really horrendous, total contrast to his day time behaviour.

I do think he will grow out of it like your little one did but its been literally months now and I just need it to stop, i'm exhausted

well duh thats why i'm asking for help from strangers on the Internet 😂

I take a different view, just co sleep and keep feeding. It gets better as your toddler gets older and has bigger solid meals. In the short term, try to fill him up with a solid meal in the evening to shift the first wake-up later.

When my dc1 was ready to stop feeding to sleep (about 2.5yo) it was really easy to stop and just happened. My dc2 isn't yet 2 and still wakes up 3× a night to feed. I just accept it, it doesn't last forever!

@stripemarshmallow well duh it wasn’t clear whether he fell asleep on the bottle or he had is bottle and then fell asleep independently.

You stop feeding to sleep for every sleep. Start with the bottle feed one. I found the pick up put down method brilliant, didn’t involve them crying at all it did require commitment to see it through though.

If you don’t mind Co-sleeping that’s another option.

You could try habit stacking, where you introduce something new on top of what you’re already doing (a comforter or blanket perhaps). So he has the comforter whilst he’s feeding, then you gradually shorten the feed down over a week or so, then hold til sleepy or even asleep for a week or so, then put down sleepy so he hopefully self settles.

If he takes to a comforter buy a few of them!

@stripemarshmallow yes it is really rough, you have my sympathies but it won't last forever. I think starting with breaking going to sleep with bedtime bottle is going to be the easiest. The comforter could also be a good shout if baby doesn't have one already. We have 3 the same, my LO reaches for it when he's tried and cuddles into it in the night. I would definitely NOT start co sleeping now!! That would make the situation a lot worse!! We've also got a night light/projector that plays music. We have this on during his bedtime routine, story etc and there is a setting that when set, starts music or nature noises if baby starts to cry. That is good because again it's that bedtime associated so baby hears it and that, and comforter and dummy is enough for him to go back off without the boob. Although I have turned this setting off now as it's very sensitive - he's got a cough at the moment so I hear nature and wind sounds on the monitor every time he coughs - he stays asleep but the nature noises keep me awake 🤦

thanks everyone, I dont mind co-sleeping and still do on bad nights but he doesn't quite wake up enough to warrant it and when we do co sleep he tends to get a bit distracted, like hes sleeping next to an all night buffet. pick up put down has also never worked for us, tried it numerous times and he just loses his mind. hes always been a super clingy sleeper, he only stopped exclusively contact napping at 7 months

@PurpleCat88 I tried habit stacking with a comforter (teddy first, then a muslin) both times hes thrown them away 😂 hes such a chilled boy during the day but so bloody stubborn at bed time, I think your suggestion sounds great and i'm going to try this tonight for his wakes, i'm going to try again with a comforter too

@TeenagersRus I did wonder about some music/a projector! he has a couple of songs he listens to jn the car/pram if hes struggling to sleep! do you have one you would recommend?

some really helpful suggestions here, really appreciate the help, need to make a bit of an action plan now on how to tackle

My little one sounds a lot like yours, but only 9 months.

I still breastfeed him twice a night but he wakes 3-4 times, I think we've got to a point where my DH will cover that middle wake. He often settles him at night anyway if he doesn't fall asleep feeding or if he wakes soon after a feed etc. Yes sometimes he screams blue murder for ages but as far as I'm concerned its tough really. Obviously I don't want him to be upset but I cannot cope being woken up every hour all night long, I don't like breastfeeding and I know he doesn't need more than two night feeds (as the others he doesn't swallow or suck properly and I'm still full after). I've actually been really unwell recently and his dad's took him a bit more often than usual at night as a result and he's been settling increasingly quickly with dad, with less crying, sometimes with a very small bottle of formula and sometimes without.

So tbh I would probably consider cutting a night feed out one feed at a time if you think he doesn't need it and swap that for dad comforting him. Put earplugs in and go back to sleep, your baby is safe being cuddled/rocked/milk/water/skin to skin/ whatever from dad and he will be fine. I know it's hard but I actually think what you're doing of him crying for extended periods and then still being breastfed after is the worst of all worlds as you may inadvertently be teaching him if he screams for ages he will be breastfed eventually which definitely isn't what you want.