Sleep pattern not evolving, I'm exhausted

[elorana]

Hi all, looking for some advice/guidance/a hug.

DD2 is 4.5 months and my last good night sleep was before I hit the 3rd trimester. Pregnancy got hard on my back, cue bad nights sleep, and then newborn nights kicked in. Nothing out of the ordinary then but we seem to be still stuck in the newborn stage when she 'should' technically have outgrown it. I'm exhausted as I've been breastfeeding all this time and dad can't help with his useless nipples 😅 He takes care of DS1 (2yo) when he wakes up but to be fair he is a good sleeper and has always been so it's just me and my daughter at night (which is both lovely AND exhausting!).

There was a bit of an evolution at the beginning, from when she was waking me every 45mis to get on the boob, to now about every 2 to 3h as her longest stretch but we've been stuck there for 3 months. She had 2 nights a month ago where she randomly slept 6h straight but that was just a fluke and never happened again. Am I doing something wrong?

I start the bedtime routine with her and her brother at 6:30pm, starting with dinner, then bath/stories and everyone is generally ready for bed at 7:15pm, down by 7:45 or 8 in their own beds depending on the mood they're each in!
Then, DD2 will have a 'long' stretch until 11/11:30 where I'll feed and put her back in her bed. Then she'll wake again around 2 when I give up and take her in bed with me (no feed, just suckling), then 4 (feed) then 5, then 6 when I'll run for a shower before she's up for the day at 6:45 and she gets the first feed. I then get both of them ready and get DD1 to nursery from about 8:30am. DD2 will fall asleep in the car for 2 to 3h then and because I'm so tired I just let her sleep in there. I know they shouldn't stay in car seats but a transfer automatically wakes her up and not something I always want to face when not rested, particularly as she gets super grumpy without her morning nap. We've got a super reclined seat so she's comfy in there and I just carry her around/keep her beside me whatever I do in the morning. Then she'll nap again around 1pm for 2h if on me (otherwise it's 45mins and that's it) and again between 5 and 6pm (car ride).

The amount of naps she takes doesn't seem off when I look it up and she's developing perfectly normally for her age - she's got longer wake windows and is at this stage where she'd love to do stuff but can't (!). So am I missing something? I've never had the issue with DS1 but can't seem to work it out with her and it's seriously impacting how I function during the day. I forget important appointments, the house is a mess, some days I'm not rested enough to drive.. etc I know they say to sleep when baby sleeps but I've never been able to nap during the day. I'm getting her to sleep in her crib more but when I do I'm GUARANTEED for a wake-up after 45mins and I just can't always face it. I'm also starting to wean her and she gets formula for her dream feed but it's not making her sleep any longer.

Anyone with similar stories/tips or am I just condemned to mix salt and sugar in my coffee until she's a teenager? 😅 x

I've had a little skim read so might have missed some info (we have a stomach bug in our house so taking 2 mins to scroll 😅).
I don't have advice except my DS is 14 weeks and sleep hasn't changed at all, still wakes as he always did as a newborn and we're breastfeeding too.
I've give up trying to give him a bed time and he comes up with us about 10pm, so during his longest stretch I'm actually asleep too! I've also started putting breastmilk in a bottle and giving him a big bottle for bed to see if it makes a difference. So far he's slept a bit longer in the first stretch doing that! Last night he slept from 10pm till 3am, I was so happy 😭

Just seen the dream feed mention sorry, have you tried giving her formula before her bedtime then? Not just her dream feed ? X

Sorry you're having a tough time - sleep deprivation is torture.

My third baby woke every hour from midnight until morning unless he was asleep on me in extremely unsafe positions. Some babies form sleep associations more strongly than others. Some will happily feed to sleep and it won't be an issue, others will need it continuously (or even just the suckling) throughout the night.

If you don't want to or can't safely cosleeo, I'd suggest working on getting baby to sleep without feeding. It could be that you try and introduce a dummy, it could be you replace feeding with cuddling or rocking to sleep and see if that makes a difference, or it could be just you sitting next to the crib and soothing, shushing, stroking etc. (also apologies if I've misread this post and you already do this!)

For me, I gave it until 6 months. My baby was able to go to sleep with a dummy by this point, but still woke every time the dummy fell out and wouldn't even generally go back to sleep once I'd given it and would need rocking etc. I then did some gentleish sleep training (I know Mumsnet will burn me at the stake for admitting it). It took all of 15 minutes of crying with me checking every 2 minutes before he fell asleep and stayed asleep for 7 hours, more than he had done ever. It might not be for you, but I think overall this has saved us far more crying overall than if I hadn't done this. He now generally falls asleep happily within minutes for bed (although naps we still rock to sleep etc) and only wakes once for a feed.

Second the gentle sleep training, I did this with my oldest ebf baby and he is 2yo now and a great sleeper. Started around 8 months with him x