Not cut out for sleep training

[AnxiouslyOptimistic]

TLDR: booked to speak to a sleep consultant for some tips on how to get baby to sleep longer at night (DS is 6 months old and was only sleeping in stretches of 1.5 - 2 hours since about 2 months old) and found myself with a full blown nap and night sleep schedule which needs to be strictly adhered to and all his sleep props removed cold turkey. Hating every minute of it, and keep caving after prolonged bouts of screaming and giving dummy. Wasn’t prepared for my entire routine / day to day life to be upended and not sure I’m cut out for this. Would be so grateful for any thoughts / experiences or advice. Should I pack it in?

Longer version: after nearly 4 straight months of not sleeping at night for longer than 2 hours, I took a recommendation from a friend and booked to speak to a sleep consultant. She was confident on the 15 min call that we could actually get him sleeping through the night which I naively thought would be everything I wanted. I ended up with a full plan which basically took everything I’d already been doing and threw it out. All of a sudden we’re dropping a nap, dropping the dummy, no contact naps, no sling naps and moving to his own room. Before this, he napped on me or in the car during the day whenever I picked up his sleepy cues and slept (badly) in a next to me overnight.

Since starting the plan, he’s never managed to fall asleep at bedtime without his dummy. Night one, we tortured ourselves doing the chair method for 1 hour with 8-10/10 screaming before we caved. Same on night 2. Night three I didn’t want to put him through that again so gave him a chance for 30 mins before caving, same again tonight. I keep getting my hopes up because he can sometimes fall asleep without it for naps and doesn’t need it when he wakes (max twice now!!) overnight - he only needs a feed.

I know I’m sending him mixed signals but I can’t cope with the screaming - an hour was my absolute limit and there was no end in sight.

If i’d seen zero improvement, I’d already have packed this in, because I’m clearly not up to the task. But because I’ve started and he’s already sleeping longer stretches, I feel like I need to continue but he’s just not managing the no dummy bed times 😢.

I’m also panicking about losing my day time flexibility because I need to rush home to be here for the end of his 2 hour wake window.

All in all, I don’t feel like I signed up for this, but also feel like I’m failing miserably at it and doing him harm in the process. I’m so sad and anxious about it, but so pleased with the longer sleep at the same time.

Any thoughts, experience or advice appreciated- please be gentle with me, I’ve no idea what I’m doing and just want my DS to be happy and us all to be well rested for the sake of my mental health.

OP none of these sleep consultants have any kind of actual evidence based knowledge or training. They’re just snake oil sellers praying on the weakness of well meaning but knackered first time parents.

I’ve had two children, both co slept, one was only bf for a couple of months then formula fed with a dummy, the other still bf at 18mo and refuses a dummy. They slept (or didn’t) exactly the same. Basically babies are designed to wake frequently and their sleep progression is not linear. It’s so hard now because most of us don’t have our village and are also working so there’s more pressure on the sleep to be “good”. But it will get better, 6mo is still tiny.

This is the same method that we’ve been doing, but agree with you, it didn’t feel gentle enough. I’ve tried co-sleeping but he still woke up frequently or kicked me in the stomach and my anxiety about suffocating him was just too much 😔. Thanks for taking the time to respond - very grateful.

@Mt563 I had one who wouldn’t sleep train. She’s highly anxious and lacks melatonin. Didn’t sleep through till 2.5/3 and didn’t start being able to be put to bed and left till 6.5 😬 the other two DC sleep a thousand times better. Some just do sleep shit and there’s naff all you can really do, not when they’re babies.

@HiCandles You do know some babies sleep 8 hours don’t you? I didn’t keep getting up. Didn’t need to. I certainly was not going to roll on a tiny baby either. We all have different thoughts on this and not all dc need to be in the same bed as parents. Some of us want to do other things!

If sleep training is going to work it does fairly quickly, it doesn’t work for all. Some babies are better at sleeping than others.
I had one bad sleeper and one good sleeper. With the bad sleeper I found a 3-4 hour chunk between 10-2 really helped so he went to bed quite late. As I bf, some solids before he went to sleep helped (NHS dietitian gave me that tip), lots of fresh air during the day for both of you. Try and eat well and get a nap during the day if possible. If your partner can take over a few nights from 2 am that will also help. Unfortunately you’ll still be tired but functioning tired

@HiCandles delighted cosleeping worked for you but it's not for everyone. I'm not against it but it has never resulted in more sleep in this house. I found it easier to "get up to settle my baby out of my warm bed"!

Yes of course the worry about suffocation or rolling on them is massive, and the reason most of us are reluctant to begin with.
I would suggest, go back to getting baby to sleep initially however works for bedtime, then when he wakes, bring him into bed with you. Set everything up safely beforehand. Ideally mattress on the floor (lift daily to air underneath), or if not, use the next to me as your barrier. Covers pushed down to your waist and tucked under your knees. Wear warmer clothing than usual. Or, abandon the covers altogether and you wear more clothing. Baby on your outside, not between adults.
It does take a while for baby to get over the excitement of it, but it pays off, or did for us at least.
He will still wake, because that's the developmental stage his brain is at, but the cosleeping means you can rest a bit. The frequent wakes are not something you can solve- a point it took me months to realise. Occasionally the naps haven't worked out and then yes tinkering can help, but that's not the only reason they wake. Babies wake because their brains are immature and all you can do is whatever gets the most sleep tonight. Don't worry about teaching, training, it will all come with time and age. It's not your responsibility to solve, just to get through it.

In 2023, in Scotland alone, 19 Babies died when co sleeping. They get smothered by loose bed clothes, overheat, get wedged between bed and a wall and get rolled on. “Safe” co sleeping is a bit of a myth. Most parents don’t plan to do it either so have no discussion of the dangers (or even awareness) before doing it. Years ago no one did it - baby had a box or basket. In Scotland mums with no baskets are given boxes apparently. I’d be very wary of taking co sleeping advice remotely on a social media site.

I think that if the aim is to reduce sleep props and encourage self soothing, then adding another in (co sleeping) isn't the way forward.

In my experience (my youngest is off to secondary in September so it's not exactly recent!) there isn't a one size fits all for sleep training - some babies respond better to a more direct approach, some a gentler one. I know it would seem like an ancient relic to some but the Baby Whisperer books are really good at explaining how to adapt sleep training depending on your baby's personality.

FWIW my dd (a feisty little thing even now..15 years later) was forever fighting sleep but once she got the hang of falling asleep on her own, has been a champion sleeper ever since. I think the thing to not lose sight of is that getting a proper night's sleep is good for everyone, you're nit just doing it for yourself. Your baby will be a lot happier once they're having a consistent long stretch of sleep.

It can be done safely. I co slept with 2 of mine

@Wynter25 Well obviously not all babies die! However there’s a risk and one parents would not take in many other circumstances. The co sleeping deaths are more than babies killed in road traffic accidents and look at the care we take choosing car seats and how they are placed in cars. We take far less care on safe sleeping arrangements.

Tbf I FF a lot sooner than what they say. We make our own judgements

Gosh, that sounds so tough! Having been there I can completely understand why you felt a sleep consultant would help, sleep deprivation is hard!!!! It’s our instinct to want to react when they scream so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t do it.

6 months is so young and they change so much in the first 18-24 months that sleep is also always changing as a result. I recall 6-8 months being the worst. I spent hours most days searching ways to improve sleep, but really couldn’t cope with the idea of sleep training and the screaming/stress all round as a result. I just followed their lead and adjusted my expectations for a while (we co-slept, rocked to sleep, kept the dummy - everything a sleep consultant tells you not to do!). We were able to stop rocking at 16 months and lie next to him. He is 25 months now and after a book and cuddle we can leave the room and he falls asleep on his own (still has a dummy!). We didn’t force it and I’m an advocate that you can get there.

Do you have help so that you can take a break and catch up on sleep in the meantime. It will pass, even though it might feel like it never will 🤍