Not cut out for sleep training

[AnxiouslyOptimistic]

TLDR: booked to speak to a sleep consultant for some tips on how to get baby to sleep longer at night (DS is 6 months old and was only sleeping in stretches of 1.5 - 2 hours since about 2 months old) and found myself with a full blown nap and night sleep schedule which needs to be strictly adhered to and all his sleep props removed cold turkey. Hating every minute of it, and keep caving after prolonged bouts of screaming and giving dummy. Wasn’t prepared for my entire routine / day to day life to be upended and not sure I’m cut out for this. Would be so grateful for any thoughts / experiences or advice. Should I pack it in?

Longer version: after nearly 4 straight months of not sleeping at night for longer than 2 hours, I took a recommendation from a friend and booked to speak to a sleep consultant. She was confident on the 15 min call that we could actually get him sleeping through the night which I naively thought would be everything I wanted. I ended up with a full plan which basically took everything I’d already been doing and threw it out. All of a sudden we’re dropping a nap, dropping the dummy, no contact naps, no sling naps and moving to his own room. Before this, he napped on me or in the car during the day whenever I picked up his sleepy cues and slept (badly) in a next to me overnight.

Since starting the plan, he’s never managed to fall asleep at bedtime without his dummy. Night one, we tortured ourselves doing the chair method for 1 hour with 8-10/10 screaming before we caved. Same on night 2. Night three I didn’t want to put him through that again so gave him a chance for 30 mins before caving, same again tonight. I keep getting my hopes up because he can sometimes fall asleep without it for naps and doesn’t need it when he wakes (max twice now!!) overnight - he only needs a feed.

I know I’m sending him mixed signals but I can’t cope with the screaming - an hour was my absolute limit and there was no end in sight.

If i’d seen zero improvement, I’d already have packed this in, because I’m clearly not up to the task. But because I’ve started and he’s already sleeping longer stretches, I feel like I need to continue but he’s just not managing the no dummy bed times 😢.

I’m also panicking about losing my day time flexibility because I need to rush home to be here for the end of his 2 hour wake window.

All in all, I don’t feel like I signed up for this, but also feel like I’m failing miserably at it and doing him harm in the process. I’m so sad and anxious about it, but so pleased with the longer sleep at the same time.

Any thoughts, experience or advice appreciated- please be gentle with me, I’ve no idea what I’m doing and just want my DS to be happy and us all to be well rested for the sake of my mental health.

What was the rationale to giving up the dummy? I've never heard of anyone taking it off a 6 month old. If it's stressing you out this much I would pack it in. 6 months is very young to sleep train and expect sleeping throughout the night. What have you tried before meeting with the sleep consultant?

Just cosleep and give a dummy. Sleep training is abuse.

You've chosen a very tough approach, it is likely to work but you need to stick with it.

It's cruel to do it half-heartedly and leave him to cry for ages and then give in - it's just prolonging the stress.

Either commit to the approach you've started and get it done.
Or, stop and find another approach that you're comfortable enough to do properly.

Why are you taking away the dummy? What were the reasons behind it?
Why are you letting a complete stranger tell you what to do with your own baby?
You get to choose what you want to do. Pick a bit of the plan you like and ignore the rest.

Agree with pp that you need to either do it or not. You can't let him scream for an hour and then give in every night, that's ridiculous.

If I were you I'd carry on following all the advice, but just leave the dummy for settling.

I'd also recommend getting back in touch with the sleep trainer to see if she has any slight amendments to make.

Why don't you try tackling it in slower stages than going cold turkey in one go? Just do sleeping in the cot for now and get rid of the dummy if you need to later.

I would let him keep the dummy for now and introduce a comforter as a bridge between contact naps and sleeping alone.

Cuddle him until he's sleepy and then put him in the cot with his dummy and comforter and pat/stroke him in the cot.
If he gets distressed pick him up and cuddle him til calm and then put him back down and pat/stroke.

This method will take longer than the total cold turkey approach but is better if you're able to stick with it.

Im not against sleep training, but I think 6 months is a touch too young. We done it at 8 months using a modified Ferber method and although the first 2 nights were really hard, it did work. I still kept the flexibility of having day time naps in the pram out and about and in the cot.

Why are you doing any of this? You know your baby, this complete arsehole consultant doesn’t. Follow your instincts to nurture, comfort and protect your small baby and chuck out the awful routine. Some babies wake a lot, it gets better in time! Sleep is developmental, like walking, eating, everything most of us eventually do.

If you wouldn’t leave him to cry for an hour in daylight you know it’s unforgivable to do that just because it’s dark and you feel he should be forced to sleep. It’s just heartbreaking.

I tried sleep training my 8mo in desperation after 4 months of her waking every 40 mins.
It didn’t work for us, she was violently sick and the knock on effect was she started being sick every time she cried for the next couple of months.

Having researched since, I firmly believe that the “one size fits all” approach taken by lots of consultants in the unregulated sleep industry is just false. Some babies don’t have the temperament for sleep training.

I learnt to embrace co sleeping and contact naps. I’m now on my second baby and would absolutely hate a rigid day schedule, that wouldn’t work for us at all.

This sounds horrible for everyone involved! It sounds like your gut is telling you that it’s not right for you, even if it might be getting you more sleep.

Agree with others with the suggestion of co-sleeping. I know it’s not for everyone and I thought it wouldn’t be for me, but I resorted to it after months of doing what all the books said I should do with my eldest. Co-slept from the outset with second and third babies and was never remotely sleep deprived - always had to pretend I was exhausted at baby groups.

Thanks for all the quick replies. For those asking about the rationale for removing the dummy, apparently it’s a bad sleep association which is causing him to not be able to self settle between sleep cycles, but I feel confident that we could keep for those bedtimes / naps where he’s obviously not managing to self settle and be led by him.

For those asking why I let someone tell me what to do even when it’s feeling awful and cruel, the answer is simple - because I was desperate for a solution and, knowing nothing about baby sleep as a FTM, put my trust in an expert, and friends’ experience of the process being ‘awful’ but working.

@HelpMebeok, love the advice of taking what I like and ignoring the rest! Just need to break it to the consultant…

Honestly, some babies won't sleep train. They will just cry and cry and cry for hours on end. That's cruel to them and heartbreaking for the parents.

Do you have a partner? If so, you need to take it in turns getting chunks of sleep (at least 4h). Sleep downstairs with white noise if it helps you actually sleep.

My baby wouldn't sleep train but just after her first birthday, she suddenly slept through. Nothing we changed, she was just ready. (The weeks before I was ready to throw her out a window. Working full time on broken sleep is a nightmare).

If you're going to sleep train, you need to stick to it. I couldn't, and never did. I'll be honest and this is hard to hear when you're sleep deprived and struggling, but waking this frequently is completely normal. Especially at 6 months old. There are many many sleep training resources that will tell you that you can "fix" this and I'm sure sleep training can help many babies to sleep through the night, but it is not often possible without sleep training so you are attempting to "fix" a problem that is actually only a problem because we are told that sttn is an expectation we should have of 6 month olds which is quite honestly nonsense. Here are my thoughts:

• dropping a nap can help overall sleep balance if baby is ready. Are they asking you to drop to 2 naps?
• absolutely ignore wake windows as an absolute - there is no evidence behind them whatsoever and they are made up averages - mostly on the too low end. The only evidence is for average sleep over 24hrs which can vary hugely by baby. At 6m this is 12-15hrs total including naps and you may need either 2 or 3 naps depending. If 3 I'd be working towards one being a catnap of 30mins or less and trying to avoid more than 2.5hrs total day sleep as unless your babe is high sleep needs this will mean less at night or more waking. Focus on daily totals (calculate what sleep they actually take over 7 days using total time asleep less any lengthy wakes) and figuring out when your baby gets tired- use wake windows as a rough guide but I found they were too high for 1st nap and way too low for bedtime.
• naps can be on the go, out and about. Just adjust your overall day based on the sleep total and ensure a long enough gap before bed. Do not torture yourself by staying home for every nap. If baby sleeps in pram car or carrier use that to get out and about. A sleep consultant we worked with said they honestly didn't bother sleep training for naps - the main dictator of nap length is sleep pressure/time awake, so if you want to contact nap etc then do it, focus on nights if they're your issue.

Leaving them to cry for an hour is surely distressing for everyone. If you want to sleep train I recommend sound asleep guru, if you don't then I recommend doze sleep coaching. Both advocate for routines focused on 24h needs and not aiming for too much sleep overall. Good luck x

Oh no, I think this is too much.

Honestly, you know better than she does. This is a still a baby.

I'm sure you've already researched enough to know how to gently move towards more sleep. Were you expecting support with that?

It is so very hard when you're not getting enough sleep but this is prioriting your sleep over the baby's needs.

Decide what level of lack of sleep on your part and discomfort on baby's part is acceptable then research how to get to that.

That you’re worried about breaking it to her is so worrying. You’ve paid for her product - her shit advice - and it’s not meeting your needs. No need at all to feel bad about that! He’s your baby, yours. You know him best, you know this isn’t working, you know you’re hating it. So stop and do something different that won’t make you both so desperately unhappy.

When he’s older you’ll look back at how tiny and new he was at 6 months, just half a year old, and wish you’d accepted/embraced his tiring but completely normal baby behaviour.

I think there are a few things you could do to lessen the stress. First is to focus on the night sleep first and continue to nap on the go by whatever means (but still stick to the schedule). My dd briefly used a dummy and when I got rid of it as she kept losing it, she started sucking on a blanket. My ds sucks his fingers. Many babies are very sucky! You could put loads of dummies in his cot and hope he can always find them?

No it's not.

Hmm... we had the same trouble of our baby not being able to get into the next stage of sleep and giving a dummy helped. Our thinking was that he would get a dummy and a teddy and associate them with sleep. I just kept giving them to him every time he woke or whenever he was going down to sleep. We followed the ferber method aswell. He's 8 months now, his sleep only improved the last month or so.

Don't beat yourself up about using a sleep consultant - it gets to a point you will try anything and do anything, I've been there too!

I agree with the person who said to choose what you think will suit you. That goes for any information you find online or any advice you are given here. Every baby is different and every family is different so what works for one won't work for another. I hope you figure something out soon. I've 2 kids and all I can tell you is this will not last forever and every day is a day closer to getting a better sleep routine. You've got this.

These ‘sleep consultants’ are often completely untrained and do not take into consideration the actual cognitive development of your child. He is tiny, he needs you. Let him have the dummy, let him contact nap…the more safe and connected he feels with you the more he will be independent in time. It goes so, so quick. Have you looked into anything medical that might be bothering him? Reflux? allergies?

i don’t want to make you feel bad but sleep training (especially this early) is literally teaching your son that there is no point trying to communicate his needs to you because you will not respond. At 6 months that is pretty brutal.

What happens when he wakes up in the night? Is he easy to settle?

I have found that baby going to bed late actually leads to them sleeping better. Yes, they are with you into the evening but you get 8 hours and that’s bliss.

Mine were difficult to get to sleep, definitely DD2, but once asleep, we all had a good night. No baby slings - I just had a cot and rocker for day naps. Or the car seat if out! They could settle without being around me. No dummies either. I didn’t want the hassle of getting rid later. We did have quite stressful evenings (Dh took DD2 out in the car) but I’d rather that than waking all night.

I had friends whose babies were asleep at 7. Then back up at 11, 2 and 5. We had babies awake until 10 then not a peep until 6. We never did get to bedtime at 7!

Well that’s enough tears for one night! I’m going to pack in the sleep consultant and take what’s been working for us from her advice and bin the rest. Thanks to those that offered their opinion gently. I get there are strong feelings on sleep training, but honestly I was in it before I knew I was in it, and just wanted some help on how to move forward.

It feels wrong because your motherly instinct is telling you it is.Don't ignore that for the views of some bolshy professional who probably doesn't give a toss about your child's emotional welfare and is only in it for her money.

Sorry OP, genuinely don't want you to feel bad. It will get better I promise. Just do whatever you can to get through this bit. It’s survival mode, get sleep whenever you can. If he will co-sleep - do it. Every baby is wildly different, none of hs know what we’re doing really!

Bin her advice. I'm sure sleep training does work for some but it's clearly not for you and your baby.
My personal experience - tried ST at 9 months in desperation, but a gentle staying in the room patting him. It worked but I felt terrible, I'd literally been teaching that when he cried the extent of my reassurance and love was limited. Think on the long term psychological implications of that...I torture myself sometimes it's why he's quite a clingy 3yo now, but I've no idea if that's true!
After a month of sleeping well, sleep went to shit again. So what was the point of battling though ST anyway? This time, I was better prepared, and we started co sleeping. We were both so exhausted we were falling asleep against the cot on the floor and would wake to find he'd dropped off. One parent each night took it in turns in a double bed in his room. Life changing. He slept great, and the even the odd night he didn't, we could still doze next to him not be sitting on the cold bedroom floor.

Suffice to say, next baby I coslept from the first wake from day 1 and am still doing so at 16m. Literally cannot understand why anyone who can cosleep doesn't, why get up to settle your baby out of your warm bed when you can just turn to them with boob, dummy or cuddles. Yet I was so against it with my first, for so long!

This sounds heartbreakingly awful. There’s a reason you’re struggling to do this and it’s not because you’re bad. It’s because you’re a good mum who can’t bear to hear their child distressed. Mums aren’t meant to be okay with ignoring their crying babies. It’s against biology. Their cries are literally programmed to get us to help them when they need help or comfort or feeding or warmth etc.
Don’t go against your instincts. It’s fine if you wasted money and you tear up her plan for you.

(writing this reply to you with my third newborn on my chest. My first slept like yours did; you will get through this and it is normal for some babies)