Toddler chronic overtiredness

[CCsweet]

I am looking for some works of wisdom. I am a mother that tried my hardest. My partner and I are at a loss but we are starting to think, what are we doing wrong?

Our almost 3 year old came out of my womb very aware and ready to start life. There's never been any chill. By the time he reached 10 months, he could open the stairs gate! Our boy loves to be on the go constantly and spend a lot of his days outside, which most of the we do.
When he turned 2, sleep turned in to a dreadful experience, which lasted about 6 months in total. He was waking 6+ x in the night and would only nap in the car. It resorted in to us hiring a private sleep consultation out of desperation.
Fast forward to now he will only wake now and again, normally if he's unwell, scared, hungry etc. He still will only nap in the car which is an uphill battle every day. Yes, we have tried everything else possible to get him to sleep elsewhere but he won't. Apart from when he's at nursery. He attends nursery 2 x a week, 10 hours a day. He goes on a Tuesday and Thursday. We feel that we normally have days of overtiredness after nursery days. People have said to cut out the nap but if we skip a nap we have the price to pay for it!!
OUR SON IS CHRONICALLY OVERTIRED.
He averages about 12 hours sleep in a 24 hour period. He sleeps in a bed with black out curtains, a small night light and he has recently asked for his sound machine to be off which we have done. He was toilet trained back in February however he still wears a pull up at night and is often dry.
He doesn't snore at night.
By the time he wakes up in the morning, within a few hours he's exhausted and ready to sleep but just won't!
My husband and I feel as if this is really impacting not only him but us too!
The overtiredness causes so many meltdowns and frustration in him. We really try to help him but we are at a loss.
Do we just go cold turkey on a car nap (although hard to avoid when we have to travel)? I am starting to think if we should try it again, it, it can't get any worse for us.
At one point I considered taking him to the GP to get checked for iron deficiency anaemia but came to think that he is a toddler and is so active....no wonder why he is tired.
We just had a huger overtirednes battle and my husband said that he doesn't want any more children.
Can anyone relate?
I try my hardest every day to be a great mother but I feel as if I am failing at this.
Thanks for reading.

His amount of sleep doesn’t sound bad if I’m reading it right. What does his over tiredness look like?

His amount of sleep doesn’t sound bad if I’m reading it right. What does his over tiredness look like?

Agree, 12hrs sleep in 24hr is great, well done! How long does he nap for? What time is bed time? What time does he wake up?

We're about to drop my youngest's nap (age 1 almost 2) as they don't seem to want one depending on what we're up to in the day. We're just rolling with it and seeing how it goes. It means that some days bedtime is a lot earlier to compensate, and that's ok.

I have a recently turned 3 year old who stopped napping consistently by 2. I could probably count on both hands the number of times she has napped over the past 12 months.
It never concerned me as she slept 12 hours overnight and health visitor said general advice for her age was 10-13 hours sleep.
How are you so sure that the issue is amount of sleep?

12 hours sleep total in 24 hours is right in the middle of the average recommended range for a 2 year old (11-14hours). At age 3 it drops to 10-13hours so would actually be on the higher side.

Im not sure overtiredness is your issue. He doesn't sound overtired aside from the meltdowns (which could be many things). chronic over tiredness caused by actual sleep deprivation is usually when they are getting way under 11hours total, every day. Its rare. Overtiredness is a myth to convince people their child needs the max amount of recommended sleep when most dont. There's barely any evidence behind it. If you're having to try so hard for him to nap, consistently, he is telling you he is not tired enough to fall asleep. How long after morning wake are you trying? At least 6 hours? Most drop the nap between 2.5 and 3. If things have been good and suddenly changed its either developmental (so will resolve in a few weeks) or their sleep needs have dropped or changed, which they do in anticipation of dropping the nap.

All of the info above comes from evidence based sleep consultants we have liaised with - they have all explained that toddler sleep issues are almost always undertiredness out of a fear of overtiredness and a desire for the child to sleep more than they need. That, and boundary pushing.

Mine is 2y4m, he naps for an hour and 20 mins ish, sometimes less. But as a result is only tired enough to sleep 10hrs at night. He is having meltdowns and tantrums all over the place some weeks, even after solid nights sleep and long naps. It's likely just that he's a toddler and having long nursery days where his feelings spill out at home (ours does this too).

I think maybe he isn’t overtired either. What is making you think he is tired? Neither of mine carried on napping after 3 years ish.

A total long shot be are either you or DH neurodivergent? ADHD springs to mind. Or something else?

What is it that’s happening that makes you think he is tired?

Hi CCsweet, I know this is an old post but I just wanted to reply in solidarity if nothing else!! My nearly 3 yo son gets unbelievably overtired despite sleeping the right amount, nursery exhausts him and every illness sets us back again. Just like you I've thought about taking him to doctors etc but once he's "caught up' he's back to being my happy sweet boy, but this is rare!! He naps for 1-2 hrs and sleeps 11hrs ish at night.

No one understands as they says he's getting enough, it's really frustrating as no one else's toddler seems to have this issue!! I've cone to accept he's just a high sleep needs boy so ignore people telling you how much he 'should' be sleeping and hive him what he needs. Bring bedtime even earlier! It's all about getting them to sleep before they get overtired even if it means a nap not long after waking!! This is the only way I can get him caught up but it's constantly hard and exhausting and I'm a single mum 😫

How are you getting on now? Has anything changed?