Practical advice for getting 7 year old to sleep in their own bed

Naomip88 · 2025-04-18T22:36:47+00:00

Hi im looking for some advice to help our 7 year old to sleep in his own bed. He is anxious especially when it comes to being on his own . Currently we read him and his sister a story and then they have 20 minutes reading time in their beds and then we wait outside his room whilst he sleeps but we can be there for an hour or on a bad night 2 hours. I think where we’ve gone wrong is that on a bad night we’ve let him in our bed and laid with him and now I suspect he’s trying to stay awake so we will relent and do this . Even on a ‘good ‘ night he ends up in our bed and my partner is just permanently on the sofa 🙃. It’s gotten a bit much now and we don’t have any down time and he’s not getting enough sleep . Im trying to think of practical solutions that don’t upset him. Im Considering getting him a double bed so one of us can get in with him rather than him getting in with us - or setting him up a bed in our room on the floor ( he’s not keen on this idea). But also would love to help him get to sleep on his own ( in a way that he’d feel comfortable with )so any advice on that would be great too!

Halfemptyhalfling · 18/04/2025 23:43

Can he listen to a story tape or music so he falls asleep to that? I think otherwise you just have to be consistent about taking him back to his own bec

Snoopdoggydog123 · 18/04/2025 23:44

Why are you against upsetting him?

Original poster

Naomip88 · 18/04/2025 23:48

he does listen to a story every night! Yes agree I think we need to be more consistent
and possibly accept some short term pain for long term gain!

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Marcipix · 18/04/2025 23:54

Consistency is very important here.
I think you have to make it clear that he sleeps in his own bed. Explain that you, and he, are all tired and it’s not working for anyone.
Let him have a story tape and a nightlight. Make sure his bed is nice and warm. The microwaveable teddies are nice and comforting.
Be downstairs within earshot but don’t hover on the landing. It only prolongs the agony.
Don't give in if he makes a fuss. Explain that he’s old enough now and he can do it.

Maybe a jelly baby as a prize in the morning.
Maybe if you have had a peaceful night you can have the energy to take him swimming or cycling.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 18/04/2025 23:59

I’ve co slept with both of mine. 7 year old gets cuddles and I stay with him (standing as it’s a mid sleeper) until he falls asleep. Then he’s asleep for the night. Could you do this? The way I see it, it won’t be forever and while he needs me, I’m all about the cuddles. Maybe a novelty bed like a mid sleeper, that you can’t get into, will help?

IdaGlossop · 19/04/2025 00:13

No wonder he won't sleep in his own bed. You're letting him run rings around you.

Here are the things you must do:

Explain that now that he's 7, he's going to be sleeping in his own bed for the whole night, like his sister.
Ask him who/what he wants as a companion in his bed - bear, other animal, night light, recording of the sea or wind.
Once you've read the story, say goodnight, leave the room and go downstairs. Leave downstairs doors open so he can hear you talking, cooking etc so knows you are there. Do not stay outside his room.
If he comes into your bed, take him straight back to his own. Don't talk to him or make eye contact. Do it as many times as it takes and ignore him crying. Do the same if he comes downstairs.
Reward him when he stops leaving his own bed and coming into yours.

Here are things you could do:

Buy him a weighted blanket.
Get him a pair of ear buds so he can listen to recordings of stories as he falls asleep.
Try a pillow spray. This Works do one for children if you have the budget.
Give him a heated wheat bag or hot water bottle to put on his tummy/feet.

Please don't get him a double bed. You need to help him sleep independently. The longer he doesn't do this, the worse it will become and he will miss out on things he might want to do - cubs, school trips, sleep9vers with grandparents etc. 75% of your family is playing musical beds because of a seven-year old. It's your job to put a stop to it.

There is a reason I sound harsh about this. I observed what happens in your in a family I am very close to and saw the damage it did to all the relationships in the family. When they stayed with me, it was the same - bedlam and me going to work on two hours sleep. When I had my DD, we had not a single sleepless night and she never once came downstairs she had gone to bed. She had her milk downstairs and we sang a song together. We made her bedroom her safe place - a bed full of animals, a sheepskin rug she and I used to lie on for a bedtime chat, books she could read for as long as she liked. Usually, she fell to sleep with one over her face. For quite a few months, a god daughter of mine lived with us and she followed the routine because she saw that was how we did things.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 19/04/2025 00:15

My DD had a lot of anxiety around bedtime. We did a course through our local mental health NHS team around parenting children with anxiety as it was impossible to deal with ourselves.

Essentially what we did was plan our end goal and then work backwards in steps to plan how to get there. Each week we would try to advance a step. This was accompanied with teaching DD techniques like breathing exercises, grounding techniques like look for 5 things you can touch, 4 you can see, 3 you can hear, 2 smell etc. less successful was trying to "challenge" her worries eg why does that worry you/ what would happen next etc. We were told to be clear with DD on what our goal was and the next step we would next do and when.

The hardest bit was me trying to not feed her anxiety by anticipating it as this didn't feel like my natural parenting style to warn her "you might find this hard" and comfort her

The overall approach of going up the exposure ladder did work . We still do the same routine now, eg read, I stay for 5 mins to get any "worries "out of her head and then we go. She had print outs on her wall reminding her of the coping mechanisms temporarily but she doesn't need them much now.

Having said all if this, there is no shame in getting the double bed for his room, embracing that he wants to be close to you at night and waiting for him to grow out of it. It's whatever suits your family best. A friend's daughter slept in her parents room until she was 12 but happily is in her room now and did it of her own accord.

Labraradabrador · 19/04/2025 00:17

our rule is that you have to fall asleep in your bed, but you can come to ours if you wake in the night.We have stretches where dc 7yo are in our bed for a few nights, but mostly they stick to their beds.

we found an all or nothing approach stressful on both sides. I like being able to accept my child into bed on a difficult night and not feel like I have failed. Dc knows we are there if they need us.

Gattopardo · 19/04/2025 00:20

It’s a fudge but if they don’t already share a room, you could put them in together and see if that helps.

I think I’d want to get to the bottom of what was causing the extreme anxiety. The only kids I knew like this later turned out to be autistic (my friend’s boy) or experiencing some serious home stressors I wasn’t fully cognisant of (my son - to my shame)

TiredEyesToday · 19/04/2025 00:30

Place marking for tips. Have an 8 year old who just will not sleep alone. Im a single parent and it’s driving me mad, never getting an evening to myself (and haven’t for 8 years… just reaching the end of my tether I think!)

Heidi2018 · 19/04/2025 00:41

I know someone who gave their child their top to cuddle at that age and it worked.

Original poster

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 22:48

Gattopardo · 19/04/2025 00:20

It’s a fudge but if they don’t already share a room, you could put them in together and see if that helps.

I think I’d want to get to the bottom of what was causing the extreme anxiety. The only kids I knew like this later turned out to be autistic (my friend’s boy) or experiencing some serious home stressors I wasn’t fully cognisant of (my son - to my shame)

Unfortunately his sleep problems started when they stopped sharing rooms . My daughter ( 10) is completely different and always wanted her own space and never wanted or needed us around when she was sleeping! ( she hasn’t slept in our bed since she was a tiny baby!) . He would love to share a room but even though they are besties she would hate it - and he snores 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 22:50

Labraradabrador · 19/04/2025 00:17

our rule is that you have to fall asleep in your bed, but you can come to ours if you wake in the night.We have stretches where dc 7yo are in our bed for a few nights, but mostly they stick to their beds.

we found an all or nothing approach stressful on both sides. I like being able to accept my child into bed on a difficult night and not feel like I have failed. Dc knows we are there if they need us.

Ahh this seems like a totally sensible rule but unfortunately he’s in our bed 9 nights out of ten and pretty much always around 1/2am

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 22:51

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 19/04/2025 00:15

My DD had a lot of anxiety around bedtime. We did a course through our local mental health NHS team around parenting children with anxiety as it was impossible to deal with ourselves.

Essentially what we did was plan our end goal and then work backwards in steps to plan how to get there. Each week we would try to advance a step. This was accompanied with teaching DD techniques like breathing exercises, grounding techniques like look for 5 things you can touch, 4 you can see, 3 you can hear, 2 smell etc. less successful was trying to "challenge" her worries eg why does that worry you/ what would happen next etc. We were told to be clear with DD on what our goal was and the next step we would next do and when.

The hardest bit was me trying to not feed her anxiety by anticipating it as this didn't feel like my natural parenting style to warn her "you might find this hard" and comfort her

The overall approach of going up the exposure ladder did work . We still do the same routine now, eg read, I stay for 5 mins to get any "worries "out of her head and then we go. She had print outs on her wall reminding her of the coping mechanisms temporarily but she doesn't need them much now.

Having said all if this, there is no shame in getting the double bed for his room, embracing that he wants to be close to you at night and waiting for him to grow out of it. It's whatever suits your family best. A friend's daughter slept in her parents room until she was 12 but happily is in her room now and did it of her own accord.

Thank you this is incredibly helpful advice!

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 22:53

Snoopdoggydog123 · 18/04/2025 23:44

Why are you against upsetting him?

because my parents forced my to cry alone in my room as I was similarly anxious and I still vividly remember those awful fearful nights when all I wanted was my mum .

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Gattopardo · 19/04/2025 22:59

@Naomip88 Arrgh that’s such a shame. But I fully understand kids can be like chalk and cheese.

the genesis of this issue could be helpful, though.

if your child’s sleep issues started when he was effectively pushed out by his sister, I’d say getting to the bottom of his feelings around that might be the solution to your issues.

Sleep issues are very often not about sleep but about wider family dynamics. IMHO.

Labraradabrador · 19/04/2025 23:14

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 22:50

Ahh this seems like a totally sensible rule but unfortunately he’s in our bed 9 nights out of ten and pretty much always around 1/2am

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If he can fall asleep in his own bed but then getting up in the night have your tried some sort of audiobook solution? We’ve had yoto and then graduated on to Amazon echo with audible. The echo is great in that doesn’t even need to get out of bed - mine will put on either an audio book or music. It gives their brain something to focus on and makes them feel less alone in their room so that they fall back asleep. You could gently offer this as an alternative when they come to your bed in the middle of the night - would you rather listen to x in your room?- and then they should quickly get to a point where they just turn it on themselves and leave you to sleep.

Original poster

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 23:28

Gattopardo · 19/04/2025 22:59

@Naomip88 Arrgh that’s such a shame. But I fully understand kids can be like chalk and cheese.

the genesis of this issue could be helpful, though.

if your child’s sleep issues started when he was effectively pushed out by his sister, I’d say getting to the bottom of his feelings around that might be the solution to your issues.

Sleep issues are very often not about sleep but about wider family dynamics. IMHO.

This is such a great point . Thank you! Yes they are completely chalk and cheese in what they want and need ( shes very independent but very shy and hes the opposite) which is tricky but also seems to make them get along really well. A great point though I really appreciate it x

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Original poster

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 23:31

Labraradabrador · 19/04/2025 23:14

If he can fall asleep in his own bed but then getting up in the night have your tried some sort of audiobook solution? We’ve had yoto and then graduated on to Amazon echo with audible. The echo is great in that doesn’t even need to get out of bed - mine will put on either an audio book or music. It gives their brain something to focus on and makes them feel less alone in their room so that they fall back asleep. You could gently offer this as an alternative when they come to your bed in the middle of the night - would you rather listen to x in your room?- and then they should quickly get to a point where they just turn it on themselves and leave you to sleep.

Show quote history

Yes he listens to a mindfulness audiobook but that plays into his anxiety as he only likes the first couple of chapters and I think he uses them as a way of measuring time so starts to panic that he can’t sleep when it gets to a certain point 🙃

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Lavenderblume · 19/04/2025 23:42

Naomip88 · 19/04/2025 22:53

because my parents forced my to cry alone in my room as I was similarly anxious and I still vividly remember those awful fearful nights when all I wanted was my mum .

Show quote history

Wow, thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel less alone. I also have a 7 (almost 8!) year old who sleeps in my bed. I am reluctant to get more strict about it or enforce rules that will upset him, for exactly the same reason as you.

I love my parents and they were never cruel, but there were times they just didn't know what to do, and I was left to cry or threatened with punishment if I screamed or got out of bed. I was genuinely terrified alone on my own at night.

I was so happy and comfortable when my mum started to allow me to just sleep in her bed. I did from the age of around 7-11 or 12 and after that I was fine.

RosaBaby2 · 19/04/2025 23:55

My 7 year old won't go to sleep without someone there and sleeps with me every night (or his dad), I'm single though and have no life. As another poster said I know it's not forever because my eldest was the same and he's turned out fine.

Im a soft arse, I get you have a partner to think about too but I'd just let it carry on 😂❤️

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/04/2025 00:01

Why don’t you stay with him until he falls asleep and then try leaving? He might feel so settled he will sleep through? Worth a try if the standing outside the room isn’t working.