I cannot take it anymore

[Givingup2025]

My 4yr old child has just broken me. I cannot take it anymore. Every day is lovely, bit of bad behaviour but listens when told and most days together are nice.

then it comes to nighttime. We have a routine. Teeth, pjs, bedtime stories then bam he turns into this horrible monster you can’t control. I’ve tried being firm, very firm, leaving him to it , keeping everything calm and just repeating its bedtime time to sleep. This has been going on for nearly a year.

he jumps on his bed, he runs around the house, he’ll throw his toys everywhere and the last two weeks it’s turned into him biting, kicking, spitting and slapping me. He finds this funny whilst I’m sitting there trying to remain calm.

I have tried different bedtimes, no screen time, tonie box, reading books , cuddling him to sleep. When he misbehaves I am firm with him telling him it is bedtime. But it doesn’t stop. He will sit there singing, I leave him to it and he trashes his room.

i cannot take anymore. I just want to leave and give up as I’m clearly failing as a parent.

I just want to disappear. I’ve had enough

My son has ADHD and had (still has occasionally - he’s 15 now) what he calls “one of my nights” (he has always talked like a middle-aged woman!) when he just wouldn’t sleep.

He listens to audiobooks - all night sometimes. He had a CD player when he was little and now he uses Alexa. It was my way of getting him to stay in bed and it did work. Could be worth a try?

Also when he was really struggling I would sleep in his room and tell him I was there but I had to go to sleep. He used to nod off eventually if I was in the room. Your son is probably a bit
small to understand that though.

Sympathy though. And good luck! It’s awful.

You are the boss and you need to start acting like it. He has the upper hand and he knows it.

Youve tried all the softly softly so now I would basically just do story, teeth, bed , shut door and hold it and let him trash the room.

Take ALL his toys away. Put them anywhere but he doesn’t get them back until his behaviour improves. This is appalling behaviour, nip it in the bud. It’s not ADHD (mine have it) it’s bad behaviour. Trust me when I say you don’t want the child with ADHD feeling like they have control

This is shocking.

I’m sorry OP but this doesn’t sound at all in the realms of normal four year old behaviour.

There sounds as though there’s more going on here than just bad behaviour.

I disagree. It’s the feeling that they have control that calms them down. The trick is making it appear as though they do.

Have you tried giving him options? Do you want to go to bed now with a story or later with an audio book could be a choice. This gives him a feeling of control.

I would talk to him about how to behave and what we expect, that behaviour at bedtime needs to be the same during the day. Any hurting means a consequence it’ll have to be the next day but no trip to the park the next day if he’s hurt you. There needs to be repercussions. Any progress at bedtime and he earns a treat.

Yeah, rewards always work better. A reward chart? Small manageable improvements?

In your shoes I think you need a break, a reset of some kind. My son is younger but can be a major pain at bedtime. For us cosleeping was a solution a while back. The main problem was night wakes but also bedtime antics. We put the double mattress on the floor of his room and a parent 'went to sleep' with him. We'd get up and leave him once asleep, but then go back for our night. We took it in turns. After a few months, sleep improved so much. It seemed to me he needed the parental reassurance and to know he could trust us. Then we wanted to stop it, we moved the furniture about and painted a mural.
Bigged up his big boy room. Oh look no space for daddy's mattress now. We got comfy on pillows next to the bed at bedtime instead and reassured him it was the same just with parent sitting. Worked a treat!
In the short term, take him in the car to fall asleep then lift in? Maybe having a few nights of that will give you some breathing space to decide your overall plan.

You poor thing OP. This sounds awful. It sounds like you're doing aN amazing job...

I would also, like others have said, lay down absolute non negotiables in relation to hitting you, hurting you, absolutely not. Unacceptable.

Is he well behaved during the bedtime stories? And only upset once they stop? If so, try just keep reading until he falls asleep. That's what we've always had to do

I think he’s scared. That’s causing the violence. Could you take him into your bed until he falls asleep?

what consequences does he have for his behaviour? If there is no other concerns with behaviour and development and he is generally well behaved during the day with the usual 4 year old nonsense thrown in then I would treat this as you would any other naughty behaviour. At the start of bedtime routine explain tonight you expect xyz… and there will be absolutely no hiting/biting etc. if he doesn’t feel tired he can play in his room quietly or read some books until whatever time then it’s lights out. If there is any silliness the consequences will be… and then follow through. The next day when he asks for tv or whatever say sorry remember you were behaving naughty at bedtime last night so no tv today, we will try again tonight. I know immediate consequences work best for kids and obviously that is difficult at bedtime but my 4 year old would absolutely be capable of understanding that her behaviour at bedtime is responsible for the consequence the next day.

How is he trashing his room? If he's trashing something moveable, remove it. If he's using some object to trash his room, remove that.

Calming music and noise blocking headphones (for you!) Although putting some on him might be worth a try too. He could be winding himself up with his own reaction. Or try those sleeping stories on YouTube if music doesn't work.

Have you tried taking him for a walk before the bedtime routine to tire him out a bit?

Nothing is going to give you instant results in one day though. Whatever techniques you use is going to take consistent practice to have any effect and it'll get better slowly not all at once, because he's been getting away with this behaviour for so long so he knows he can, and it's going to be hard training him that he can't any more.

But I agree with others though, if it's not just a tantrum and there's no improvement even with consistency from you, then psychological assessment is needed, because it doesn't sound like normal behaviour to kick off like that for literally no reason.

At the moment his reason is going to be because he's used to not having to go to bed, so he's going to try to stick with what he wants. Children don't need more reason than that for throwing a tantrum.

No punishment? No telling off?

Hi OP, we’ve been going through very similar for the past year with our four going on five year old, albeit minus the kicking, hitting, biting etc you describe. Like you, we’ve tried lots of different approaches but it’s still very much a work in progress and some nights different things help. For example he enjoys having his head ‘scratched’ as he calls it (essentially a nice head massage) or even a back or foot rub! (Yes it’s getting silly how much we accommodate him!). But perhaps the surest thing we’ve found is trying to capture that sweet spot of settling him down for bed not too late. 10-15 minutes later and bedtime is a nightmare. For our son that sweet spot is around 6.45 being properly settled in bed and ready for sleep, that means all stories done. I wonder if your son might also be overtired resulting in a load of misdirected energy? We find that once our son hits that point it’s very difficult to bring his energy back down again.

Another thing we used to do every night, which has actually dropped off for a while, is our bedtime routine of ‘talking about our day’. I always found it was a nice way to reconnect at the end of a day and helped calm and focus our son a bit.
We also bought a type of Gro clock from Amazon that’s in the shape of a monster and turns a colour of the child’s choice when it’s bedtime. Our Son sometimes sees it as a race to fall asleep before his monster clock does.

Anyway, will be thinking of you. It’s so tough but fingers crossed it WILL pass. Lots of love.

Could he be having nightmares or night terrors? Is he scared of something? It sounds like something is stopping him wanting to go to bed. You’re getting all the way to the room before he’s triggered.

Thanks all. I ended up in bed with a migraine.

to answer a few - we are firm, I do the non negotiable , I do punish and take toys away/cancel plans the next day.

I’ve literally tried everything. He isn’t like this during the day it’s like a goes on. I’d read six books last night and was halfway through the 7th when it started. I repeatedly said no it’s bedtime and then I’m he takes over with jumping trashing etc. I stop him jumping. I take toys away but he persists.

we ended up getting milk for him despite already having 2 so could concentrate on that.

nursery for him today so hopefully he will be tired from that but yesterday we had done a 2 mile walk an hour at the park and lots of games/puzzles at home.

Ok, so just spoke with him. He tells us that a monster comes in and takes his toys and he is scared of the monster.

Any ideas how to slay a monster 🤷‍♀️?

A nightlight is the answer I have to monsters. We have one shaped like a bear which frightens the monsters away.

It's really not very dimly lit in my 4yo's room but she seems to sleep better that way, and also it means dawn doesn’t immediately wake her as the brightness isn't a shock

What happens if you lie down with him and cuddle him to sleep?

I also think he’s going to bed too late.

Is he definitely tired? Maybe a run or walk after dinner to tire him out.

Maybe he's over tired. Could try moving bedtime earlier? If he's up at 6 he needs to be asleep by 7pm.

Full tummy from a big pudding and a relaxing bath time and book etc.

We have always laid in bed with our son after a book and stroked his back or head and he falls asleep straight away by 7.30 latest and he's nearly 8. Not sure if this is an option for you. It's nice bonding time and he's getting your attention in a good way.

And also giving him control at bedtime like choosing pj's, choosing books, choosing toothbrush or toothpaste. My son used to love the big important job of turning off the light switch too hehee. They love control at any age haha.

Sorry it's so tough @Givingup2025but hopefully changing things up might reset you as a family and the mums on here are a great support. You're not alone!

It’s getting him to lie down. Some nights it’s fine we can read books give him a cuddle and he sleeps but if he is in a mood like last night then there is no laying down

Thank you. I think we will move his bedtime to a bit earlier see if that helps. It is so tough x

What happens if you put him to sleep in your bed? And lie next to him?

It definitely sounds like a power struggle. So as I mentioned in my last post give him lots of control at bedtime like choosing pj's, choosing toothbrush, book and turning off the light.

I saw that you read 7 stories too. Just one and stick to it. And remind him lots its just one book and that once the book is over it's his job to turn the light off. Keep narrating what's going to happen next. So you're giving him control over the little things but you are really in control.

My daughter was a bit like this.

We used to lie down with a firm arm across her. She’d fight it at first but would give up eventually. We literally held her down.