If you have a good bedtime routine with your toddler... What's your secret?

[PickledElectricity]

Coming from an exhausted mum to a 23 month old who is 35 who's pregnant and is at the end of her tether.

Every night is a shot show recently and I don't know if this is a phase or just my life now.

What does your evening look like OP! I have a 2.5 month old who we tuck in bed and say sleepy time, close the door and he sleeps for 10-12 hours. He knows the same routine happens every night and doesn't fight it.

We gentle sleep trained a while back. Before this he would only be held to sleep. In our gentle sleep training we stroked him every 2 mins and said sleepy time, until he fell asleep. Then after a few evenings of this it became 5 mins and so on. This became our routine at night, saying sleepy time and he knows that's his cue to sleep. He's now been doing it for a long time.

Sorry it's been stressful. I think you're doing the right thing trying to sort his sleep before your second one comes along though!

That was supposed to be: what does your evening look like OP?

With a question mark not exclamation mark, sorry

What’s going on at the moment, do you want to say?

With my two year old, he has a floor bed in our room. At bedtime we go upstairs, brush his teeth, change nappy and into pjs on our bed, lie on the floor next to him, he has a feed (though forgot to ask tonight 🙌), his dummy and he nods off when he’s ready, usually within 10 mins then we creep away. Recently I’ve fed him then DH has lain with him, takes a bit longer but he’s fine with it.

We don’t do stories at bedtime as he finds it too stimulating and he’s with his books off and on during the day. He baths as suits so that’s not part of the routine either.

Honestly for us time unfortunately. My eldest was terrible for what felt like forever and then got to 3 and started being really active and sleeps 6.30-7 straight through and has done now for almost two years, nothing to do with us really. I then had another of course so back to no sleep but finding it a bit easier knowing he will (hopefully) do the same as his big brother at some point. Hang in there, it’s gets easier

He breastfed until he was 19 months old and that was golden because I'd just put him in his cot either asleep or milk drunk.

When he weaned (my milk dried up ) he was still trying to get to my boobs so we did bedtime story with me then cuddles on the rocking chair with dad, who would put him in to his cot when he was ready. Would literally ask every 5 minutes "are you ready to lie down?" And eventually he said yes, sometimes immediately.

He's very active all day. Naps either 1 or 3 hours and this has no bearing on sleep or wake up time. I've tried starting bedtime earlier but then it just takes longer because he fights me.

The standard routine starts at 7/7:30pm and goes like this:

• Brush teeth
• PJ's and nappy etc
• Offer water

On good days (30 mins):

• Bedtime story with mum
• Cuddle with dad
• Go to cot willingly and fall asleep pretty quickly

On bad days (45 mins to 2+ hours)

• Bedtime story with mum
• Cuddle with dad
• Refuse to go into cot
• Keep asking for mum
• Crying which escalates to hysterics, panic attack, not breathing properly, inconsolable
• Mum takes over
• Either sits on bump and cuddles to sleep in 10-20 minutes, or,
• Starts asking to leave the room, crying, pushing away, refusing to go into cot etc

I end up exhausted and not getting an evening. I feel stressed and it takes me ages to uncoil and then it's bedtime. DP has started drinking nearly every night to try and "relax" after all that drama and crying, but that's a whole other matter.

In desperation last night I took him to my bed to lie down together because I just could not handle any more on sitting and wriggling on my bump, accidentally fell asleep with him, woke up sweaty with him lying on my neck and also soaked through with sweat. Moved him to his room and went to bed myself.

Tonight was particularly bad because DP was working late so I had to do everything on my own.

DS was yawning, tired, cooperative until I turned off the light and tried to cuddle him, at which point he started pushing me away and saying he wanted to go downstairs. When I said no, it's time for night nights, he wriggled out of my grasp and legged it for the door. Screaming and fighting.

I try so hard to remain calm but I'm so pregnant and tired and tired of being screamed and cried at.

He wakes up at 7:30am every day in a good mood despite all this 🫠

So after dinner they know it's bed time soon so no more telly or new games etc. they're two boys and use this time to run chaotically around the house. Like when puppies get the zoomies. I've tried to curb this but it doesn't work. 4 things need to happen before stories :- brush teeth, bed time wee, fill water bottles and put on pjs. I just go with the flow and this happens in a different order every night. We don't do a nightly bath so this is usually out of the way before dinner if they need a wash.
Then they choose a story each. I read them while they potter or sit on my lap. Then I do a bedtime song (any nursery rhyme works, we just do it as a final snuggle time) then I tuck them in. Put something on their Yoto player (volume loud at first and then once asleep I turn it to very low. It plays on a loop all night), say goodnight and shut the door. I rarely go back in and try to console any upset by talking to them through the monitor.

This works for us. Mine are 5 and 2 (almost 3) and share a room. 2 year old used to wake 4 times a night calling for me to fall asleep with him and was always panicked when I wasn't there so he had the ferber method 4 months ago and we're all better for it.

Naps for the 2 year old are restricted to 30 mins or less and he sometimes doesn't have one but this is entirely child specific.

ETA: I use my phone light put up on a shelf as a bedtime light for reading their stories. I think the usual light is too bright for winding down for bed.

I should add that when he's asleep he stays asleep, aside from illness and teething. If he wakes in the night it's because something is wrong, and I don't begrudge dealing with that, it's just the process of getting him to bed that's currently traumatising me, all the more so knowing that I'm 4 weeks' time I won't be able to help much at all.

He slept terribly as a baby though and didn't do more than 3 hours at a time until he was 11 months old.

My kids are older but could you flip you and dad? (Except when he’s working late)
story with dad
Cuddles with dad
then mum pops in to sit by his bed while he falls asleep. Not cuddling in the chair as that is too uncomfortable for you.

he’ll have so many emotions with the baby in the way and you are knackered, this isn’t the time to fight the bedtime battle.

So I think a decent night time routine starts with decent day. Eg breakfast and lunch at specific times, specific snacks - if at all (eg half apple a.m, rice cake at 3pm)

With a toddler absolutely minimal screen time. Maybe one show on TV - eg in the night garden - as part of a routine (post lunch and only if has eaten)

our evening routine was:
supper c5:30/6- at table always, selection of fruits /veg, mini yoghurt and whatever is being done (any order, no other snacks - when supper is done it’s done)
up stairs (and then never back downstairs) at 6:30 to run shallow bath during which toddler undresses, picks couple of bath toys
10 minute bath, dry, into PJs by 7/7:15
Read story, lights out at 7:30

Put DD into routine at c10 weeks (after being utterly chaotic then seeking advice) and it worked a dream

He's still in a cot and gets very upset if he's put in before he's ready, even if I try to pat him/hold his hand.

A few weeks ago we did do story with dad then cuddle with mum because he was kicking off so much but the bump wasn't as big back then!

I agree there are about to be a lot of changes for him, poor thing.

2.5 months ? You know babies are meant to sleep in the same room as you until at least 6 months right?

@curious79 the day is absolutely fine. He eats well, goes down for a nap at 12/12:30 every day without fuss and we eat dinner at the table together. We try to give him what we're having but he's had tonsillitis and had a few porridge dinners this week. But the sleep issue predates the illness.

TV is an occasional thing, usually on a weekend morning or when someone is ill.

@ItsaMeMummio I think they mean 2.5 years old? 🤞

Snack, toilet, pyjamas on, teeth cleaned, bedroom all nice and ready for sleep. Then downstairs for a cuddle and a book and time together. Back upstairs to bed, no messing about.

We never stayed in their rooms after tucking them in - at nighttime bedrooms were for sleeping in rather than reading, chatting or anything else that could be drawn out. Worked for us.

DD is 2 in May and we do the following

Dinner 17:30
Bath 18:00
Let her run around in her dressing gown for half hour with non stimulating toys/no tv on
18:50 into her bedroom to read a couple of books
19:30 in her cot at the latest

She sleeps 12 hours unless ill or teething, no night light, we have a cuddle after story and then she says “bed” I put her in bed and hand her Pooh Bear (she’s had him since newborn) little Pooh bear comforter and her dummy and that’s it x

Last night I thought we had a breakthrough even though we didn't do much differenly. Got him down at 8pm and fell into a false sense of security.

He woke up at 11pm and spent 2 hours crying and screaming almost nonstop, arching his back and writhing around like he was in pain but also having a tantrum. It was that awful sound that's like a pig at the slaughter, I'm sorry for the description but I think you'll know what I mean and I don't think I've heard anything like it from him other than when he bust his lip open on the slide.

Very unsettled and only calmed down for a minute or 2 before starting up again. Wanted food, ate a few bites then tried to throw it. Screamed harder when wasn't allowed. Wanted to go into bed with me but then would be trying to wriggle out and escape after a couple of minutes.

I'm feeling really anxious about tonight. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to help him.

Also baby #2 is due at the start of May so I really really hope he gets through this before then.

Hi op, I think greatly reducing the nap will help. I think he's not tired. Mine was maybe only having half an hour at that age. Not naturally of course, I woke him up. By 2+1/4 he was having no nap days.

The alarming night wake could be molars maybe? Also could be him not being tired enough as well. Saying this as someone awake in the middle of the night. If I fall asleep too early and something stirs me it is nigh on impossible for me to get back to sleep for ages. I think I hadn't built up enough tiredness to carry me through.