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Sleep

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Original poster

4 year old wakes up and expects me to sleep next to her every night

27 replies

NLima · 02/04/2025 09:45

My daughter is 4 and has always been a difficult sleeper. She has always needed touch to fall asleep and get back to sleep in the night.
I am always so tired that I just lay on the floor holding her hand until she goes back to sleep, which can take hours! If I try to leave the bedroom she wakes up and starts crying and screaming. She shares the bedroom with her younger brother (2.5), and everytime she calls me I just run like a rocket so she doesn't start crying and wake him up. I sometimes take her to my bed, but there's not much space and we both end up sleeping terribly. So I started putting some pillows and blankets by her bed so I can try to sleep a bit. But I am tired, I spend my nights between 2 beds. I just don't know what to do anymore. I tell her she's safe, I am just next door, but she needs my presence to calm down and get back to sleep.
I just wish there was a way for me to go to her bedroom, stay a few minutes and leave without her crying her eyes out!
Anyone in a similar place? Any ideas on how to get over this? It's been over 4 years!! I might just set a bed in her bedroom to sleep near her! Thank you so much for listening.

OP posts:

ThejoyofNC · 02/04/2025 09:48

I think it's time to cut this off. It might be a week of bad sleep for everyone, but you can't go on like this.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/04/2025 09:52

She expects it as you've given her that expectation. You need to change your behaviour to change this. It's tough, mine were awful sleepers but you need to stop staying with with her. Why is she waking? Is she cold, hungry, it's just a habit?

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2025 10:02

Either co sleep or sleep train. Can you discuss something else she can hold to go to sleep? Teddy wrapped in a nightshirt that smells of you??

Original poster

NLima · 02/04/2025 10:09

Thank you @CeeceeBloomingdale and @ThejoyofNC for replying. I totally agree with you. I just don't know how to approach it. Shall I just let her cry, and kind of "wean" her of my presence? I have no idea! She gets so upset when I ignore her, that she can't calm down. And she never wants her dad, only me, obviously!
I think she wakes up out of habit, I don't think she's cold or hot, I tried getting more blankets, less blankets, door open with a light, no light, I see no improvement.

OP posts:

Original poster

NLima · 02/04/2025 10:12

Hi @Wolfiefan that is a great idea. I will definitely try that. She always sleeps with teddies, so ones of my t-shirts on it could subconsciously make her go back to sleep. Thanks

OP posts:

LeedsZebra90 · 02/04/2025 10:12

Is there any scope for a double bed in her room? We did this with my daughter as didn't want to cut her off (for lack of a better term), i know there are strong opinions on this but it meant we had space to ensure everyone gets sleep and she was happy. Either me or my dh got in with her when she woke up or she came in with us and one of us went in her bed. (She's 8 now and grew out of it years ago but it felt a good choice for us at the time.)

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2025 10:13

I would be inclined to go out and by a magic sleep teddy! 😉

cannaecookrisotto · 02/04/2025 10:15

I did the gradual retreat method when mine was 9 months and it worked a charm, slept like a dream ever since and she’s 8 now.

it’s a few nights of unwavering consistency and perseverance but did work for us.

Icanttakethisanymore · 02/04/2025 10:16

LeedsZebra90 · 02/04/2025 10:12

This is what we have done with our 3, nearly 4yo. It's not perfect but on balance we're ok with it.

Tootjaskoot · 02/04/2025 10:18

In your situation I would work on making it easier for you to sleep if she comes into your room, or if you have to go and sleep with her. If there’s room for one of those 3/4 width beds maybe? It’s very normal for children to want to sleep with their parents, and 4 is teeny tiny. However, sleep deprivation is a real health risk for you, so I would focus on making sleep possible for you all, rather than trying to work on weaning her off wanting to sleep with you. That will come in time 💕

Obvnotthegolden · 02/04/2025 10:18

My dd was like this. She would fall asleep downstairs with us watching television, we'd carry her up and put her in her bed until she woke in the night.
We tried all variations of who sleeps in what bed and the best option was if she woke in the night to get in our bed, DH would go in hers.

She eventually grew out of it. Later she was dx with ASD.
Pp told me at the time to sleep train but it never felt right to me and I'm glad we didn't.
But you obviously need to sleep yourself.

Can you get a "small double" bed for dd or a bigger bed for you and DH? Or swap around like we did?

Bobnobob · 02/04/2025 10:23

She’s waking in the night and feeling confused because you were there when she went to sleep and now you are missing.

you need to work on getting her to fall asleep on her own. This can be gradual- so you start by lying in bed with her as usual til she falls asleep, then move to a chair by the bed holding her hand for a few nights, then move further away gradually til you are sitting by the door. Then you start to leave the room for a short while.. say you are going and that you will be back quickly- and always do as you’ve promised. Gradually extend the period you leave the room for until she’s asleep by the time you return. I find it helps to give a reason why you’re leaving (e.g going to pick something up, of going for a shower).

good luck! It’s not a quick process but she will get there

Original poster

NLima · 02/04/2025 10:34

Thank you all for replying. I feel less alone.
I literally started making a pillow bed by her bed as it was the only way I could get some sleep. But it's not the most comfortable so I end up sleeping bad.
There's really not much space for a double bed there. I understand that she wants to be close to me, I really do, it's just that I want my sleep too! The problem with letting her cry is that she will wake her brother up and then my night will go from bad to horrendous.
Coming to my bed is also an option if my DH sleeps somewhere else.
I will definitely try some of these ideas.
Thank you all for the support.

OP posts:

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 10:38

She gets so upset when I ignore her, that she can't calm down.

But you don’t ignore her. You go racing straight in. Sounds like no sleep training has been done at all.
The one I feel the most sorry for here is the little boy.

If anyone is going in to her, make it DH. Take yourself out the picture. Unless she is unwell, hungry, wet etc she needs to sleep.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/04/2025 14:02

With my eldest I did gradual retreatwhen she was a toddler, with my youngest we co slept when she woke. You need to figure out what will work for you best. I bribed my eldest in the end, she got a little gift like a bracelet for staying in her bed all night. Would new bedding help, a special night light or something? I'd tell her in the middle of the day that she needs to stay in her own bed all night. If anyone needs to attend to her then make it quick and boring, no extra hugs or chat, tuck her in and go. Rinse and repeat. Don't reward the behaviour. I dont agree with letting them cry it out myself but then she's old enough to be reassured and to stop crying.

Bobnobob · 03/04/2025 18:24

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 10:38

She gets so upset when I ignore her, that she can't calm down.

But you don’t ignore her. You go racing straight in. Sounds like no sleep training has been done at all.
The one I feel the most sorry for here is the little boy.

If anyone is going in to her, make it DH. Take yourself out the picture. Unless she is unwell, hungry, wet etc she needs to sleep.

This is unnecessary. OP has explained why she rushes in..not that she has to! It sounds horribly like you think that leaving a young child alone and distressed for lengthy periods of time is the right thing to do for everyone.

QforCucumber · 03/04/2025 18:26

Our 4 year old comes into our bed anytime between midnight and 4am, I just scoop him in and we both fall back to sleep.

we bought a super king size bed as fully expected it - just do what works to get everyone the most sleep!

dramallama25 · 03/04/2025 18:37

My youngest was like this at this age. He improved just before he started school then we had a huge regression. And another huge regression where we were co-sleeping when he went into Y1 in September.

We started ‘weaning’ by me leaving the room for little stretches at a time. I would pop to the toilet, or go and get a drink. Eventually it was to have a shower, or have my dinner etc. Eventually he would fall asleep before I came back in. We didn’t find the super nanny style worked at all for his personality.

He’s now 6.5 and I say goodnight, set a timer in his room for him to finish playing, then he turns the light off and tucks himself in when the timer goes off. It’s brutal when you’re in the thick of it, but it does get easier!

User57713 · 03/04/2025 18:43

Ds woke in the night and came through to us for years. When he got too big for us all to sleep well in bed we built him a nest of cushions and blankets beside me. So the opposite of what you're doing, he slept on the floor instead of me. He wasn't thrilled but he accepted the logic of him being bigger and there not being enough space.

User57713 · 03/04/2025 18:44

Should have gone on to say ds soon got bored of sleeping on the floor and stopped coming in. Or maybe that was a coincidence and he was just ready to sleep by himself.

Iloveeverycat · 03/04/2025 18:47

What I did with my 4 we had a cot mattress on the floor next to our bed they just came in and went straight to sleep it was just separation anxiety. They all grow out if it eventually. It's what we had to do to get some sleep.

Vettrianofan · 03/04/2025 18:49

DC3 was 8yo by the time he could cope sleeping on his own. He was like this. Needed lots of reassurance.

FuckedOverByBuilder · 03/04/2025 19:15

I agree with above posters and would perhaps do a mix of things suggested… I did something similar with my 3 year old…

could you take her to a build a bear to pick a magic sleep Teddy who’s special job is to help her sleep through the night? You could also get a Tonie box where she could listen to a story as she goes back to sleep (my two love theirs and will get up in the night to put something on if they wake up).

Then prime her that she’s now ready for sleeping on her own and her magic teddy will help her.

if she wakes in the night I would go in but don’t pander and just be firm that you’re not staying-leave but go back in and extend the time. As others have said, you’ll have a few bad nights but she should realise that things have changed and get better at staying in her bed

Nonametonight · 03/04/2025 19:36

You and your youngest go away for a few days and your partner works on getting DD to sleep in her own bed.

The priority needs to be for her to learn to fall asleep on her own at the beginning of the night. With that skill in place, you can then work as a family on her resettling herself during the night too

PumpkinSpicedLatte · 03/04/2025 19:40

Not read all your comments OP, so I’m sorry if this has already been said. But my son was the same until about two months ago (4.5 years) my daughter (also 4.5) would be sleeping through but he would then wake her by screaming crying until we went in. It was torture and both myself and my partner were exhausted. We got a weighted blanket and it’s been a game changer. Just a kids one from dunelm. I feel for you x

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