Please help two stressed and incredibly exhausted FTPs

[DingleB]

Our LG is 11 weeks old and seems to have quite a high sleep need (16-18 hours a day). She has always needed a lot of help to fall asleep, however in recent weeks it has become increasingly difficult to settle her for a nap or at bedtime and she will end up getting so overtired that she is almost inconsolable. In the daytime, she will not stay asleep unless she is being held or worn in the carrier. She will point blank refuse to sleep if we are out of the house, even in the car, pram or sling, resulting in a very grumpy and grizzly baby for the rest of the day. She will settle in the next to me from around 11pm-7am (waking once or twice in that time for a feed), however she has to be in a very deep sleep before we put her down. She does have silent reflux and CMPA which we’re sure doesn’t help, but we would love to help her fall asleep without having a complete meltdown whether we are at home or out and about. Does anyone have any suggestions of how we might go about this? We’d also love to hear any tips for getting her to nap without being held or worn, though we appreciate that she may be a little young for this yet. Failing that, any positive stories from those of you who have been in a similar situation would also be very welcome! TIA xx

Bless you, so hard isn't it when you try to put them down and they wake straight up.

Babies seem to just change all the time for no obvious reason so all I can suggest is keep trying. Have you tried white noise? Patting and rubbing them gently in the next to me til they fall asleep?

Hang in there, it's a difficult stage but things can just change unexpectedly without you even doing anything... that's my experience anyway!

Also I'd say just do what works for now. Don't worry too much about 'I'm getting them too attached to me' or whatever if they always sleep on you. Do what gets everyone the most sleep. Appreciate you need a break from baby being stuck to you though!

My baby has to be rocked to sleep, but we managed to put him on a bassinet on wheels (for the living room's day naps) and then rock the bassinet, along white noise and dummy.

Have you tried a swing? Maybe he like the position, similar to being held.

Are you getting her down quick enough. Both of mine slept alone but from the first sign of sleepiness to asleep in their beds/cots whatever was achieved in 2 mins tops.

@Motherrr thank you for your reassurance- it's good to know that she may just grow out of it when she's ready. We've tried white noise and brown noise (as we read that some babies prefer this to white noise) and we rock her, shush her and pat her back or bottom. Although it's tricky, we are trying to make the most of the snuggles as we know she won't be this way forever.

@Pinky1256 thank you for your suggestions. She has a Moses basket with a rocking stand but it doesn't seem to settle her. She likes the swing when she's awake but it sits very upright (a deliberate choice for the reflux) so I don't think it would be safe for sleeping in unfortunately.

she will sleep 11-7am in the next to me with only 1 or 2 wakes - you are in a good situation OP!!! Lots of people don’t have that (we didn’t, LO woke 5+ times a nights sometimes even 8 times a night).
I know you’re not going to like me saying this but I think you need to count your blessings

@Wallywobbles we have tried putting her down when she's awake and drowsy- both result in her crying very quickly. If we put her down once she asleep, she wakes up after a couple of minutes. We did think it might be because she's cold, but warming the sheets with a hot water bottle beforehand hasn't helped so we're still unsure of the issue. I think she just likes being cuddled tbh- apparently I was a Velcro baby too!

She’s going in the next to me 11pm-8am with just a couple of feeds at 11 weeks old, you have an amazing sleeper! In the day just go with it for now, she’s still very young and in the 4th trimester, in time she’ll get used to it and settle into a better nap pattern and may nap out and about.

@Waterlilysunset we are definitely counting our blessings with the nighttime sleep. We're just wondering how to prevent her from getting overtired in the daytime as she's fighting her naps, especially when we're out and about. It would be helpful to be able to put her down when I need to go for a wee but that would be a bonus!

@Overthebow thank you for your reassurance that she may sleep better out and about over time. She does seem to have the makings of being a good sleeper, but actually getting her to sleep (even at nighttime) is a battle and she becomes very distressed. She spent the first few weeks of her life screaming in pain from the silent reflux and CMPA, so I think my DH and I are a little traumatised from that and hate to see her in any kind of distress.

DD was also a highly alert, hard to get to sleep baby (her night sleep was also atrocious though) with silent reflux and only contact napped until maybe 10 months.
Things we did that helped

• introduced a dummy (I had read that the sucking helps with reflux). She didn’t want it initially but we stuck with it and it definitely helps. She is now two and still has it for night sleep, which I know isn’t for everyone
• baby carrier in the house for contact naps so I could at least have a wee. I rarely used this time for jobs because I was so touched out I needed the down time
• standing in our (fairly chilly) bathroom with the extractor fan on, walking on the spot to get her to sleep
• if I wanted her to nap out and about, I had to really shut down her field of vision, so I had a baby wearing coat zipped over her, and a hat pulled down low over her eyes. Walk around singing and patting her bottom. Repeat as needed.
• sleepy playlist - I tried to stick to the same music in the house/sing the same things when walking with her to try and develop sleep cues.

re: waking on transfer to the crib, someone recommended to me that you put the whole mattress in the bed with you, so it’s warm and smells right, then move it back in when baby is ready to go down. Not sure if you could do that if your partner was asleep though - we needed all 4 hands!

I wasn't one for a super strict nap schedule but I do remember going through a period of despair when mine was not quite 4mo, so a couple of weeks older than yours. I decided I would do whatever it took to get him to nap and stay asleep at the same time (ISH) each day for a week. For us this was drive around in the car.

Once his body was kind of expecting that was Sleepytime I could gradually make the drive shorter etc until he would go to sleep just being rocked in the car seat. I think it also helped that because I'd just done whatever to get him and keep him asleep he wasn't crazy overtired and fighting it so much

They're all different so this might not work for you! But maybe just do literally whatever works for a week and then start to gradually try to change how to settle her

@QueenOfWeeds @Octonopes thank you so much for those suggestions. We'll definitely give them a try. We'll literally try anything if it means that the start of her nap/bedtime is less distressing for her!

Hang in there @DingleB , it really does get better! I remember being so, so worried about her sleep that I would do whatever it took to get her down. I remember sitting on a park bench freezing cold because I was so worried that the warmth and noise of the cafe would wake her up. I only went home when it started to rain.

DD’s sleep was also a massive trigger for me with PND/A, so be kind to yourself (and your partner!) and try to be aware of your own feelings in case you notice anything getting a bit much.

@QueenOfWeeds thank you for your kind words. We are trying to be kind to ourselves and we have a really good support network who are looking out for us too. Her crying is definitely a trigger after the battle we had trying to sort her silent reflux and CMPA. I'm also severely anemic at the moment as I lost a lot of blood during delivery hence the exhaustion.

My little boy wanted to be rocked for the first few months too.
We sleep trained at 5 months for naps and falling asleep then would cosleep if he woke in the night. At 7 months he just stopped waking and stayed in his own cot all night and did ever since (now 14months) . Really only calls out for a lost dummy!

As a little reassurance mine NEVER (or very, very, very rarely) slept out of the house, she had far too much FOMO. Which made me dread going anywhere because by the time we got home she was screaming and hysterical. I can count on half of one hand the number of times she fell asleep in the car (after being promised that all babies instantly sleep in the car!) and she was a car screamer so that was particularly excellent. She also had CMPA and I think that definitely didn't help.

She's 3 now and stopped napping altogether at 2 years old, which is quite early. But I can safely say that although the times you're describing are very hard you do get through it. It sounds like you're doing your best to respond to her very particular needs, which is amazing but I do understand that need to have them nap independently in the day. Mine only did around 8 months after we did some gentle sleep training (yours is way too young and of course STing isn't for everyone).

Good luck!

@BobbyDazzler11 thank you for sharing that. It's good to know that sleep training may help her in the future if we decide to try it.

@skipdiddyskip thank you for your kind words and reassurance. Tbh, I'm finding her being a FOMO baby harder than her being a Velcro baby. At least at home, I can pop her in the sling. If I go out, I can't relax because I know she'll have a meltdown and be even harder than usual to settle, but it really affects me mentally if I don't get out of the house for a few days in a row. She is also a car screamer unless someone is sitting in the back with her. We're hoping that as she matures, she'll begin to settle better at home which might give us half a chance of settling her out and about.