Please help … I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in 20 months

[Butterfly194p]

Please help - as I really don’t know what to do anymore…. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in one single night for 20 months now… as my DC wakes me frequently every 30 min / 50min / 1:30h or 2 hours max

My DC is 20 months, breastfed since day 1 and I am still breastfeeding regularly, I always responded to the crying, I never tried the “cry out “ method but opposite as i believed it will be more beneficial in the long run to respond to every cry.

However, that didn’t turn out to be the case as my DC hasn’t slept for more than 2 hours since birth, every single night, she wakes up frequently and regularly.
My partner never does the sleep routine so it’s onto me and I ended up co sleeping all this time as I would collapse if I need to respond to this from one room to another all this time.

It’s just getting worst - I have tried everything - magnesium, taking my DC to different activities throughout the day, full tummy before bed, bath, gentle parenting…. And I feel this all was just pointless as I made my life miserable & I’m absolutely exhausted- I got some dark thoughts in the night about myself when I’m left out without sleep too until I properly wake up - because it hurts to live without sleep :(

My DD of 14 months is the same. Also haven't slept longer than 2 hours since she was born. It's horrible! But you're not alone!

My partner also can't take over because DD won't accept him in the night. He helps in other ways though: takes her in the am so I can get extra sleep, sometimes also in the evening so I can have a tactical nap, and brings me water/tea/blanket/cuddle - whatever I need to be comfortable in the night. If your partner can't help care for baby in the night then he has to care for you.

We are also currently trying the Jay Gordon night weaning method. It's super gentle - barely counts as sleep training at all - but it seems to be helping.
https://www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

I used the Jay Gordon method at around 20/22 months with both my DD's. It really works and is very gentle.

You don't need to stop breastfeeding and you certainly shouldn't introduce a bottle to a 20 month old toddler.

I would recommend night weaning though as others have suggested. They can learn that there is no mik in the middle of the night at this age. Although it doesn't necessarily mean they will sleep through, but should hopefully reduce night time waking.

Why can't your DH go in and settle your toddler in the middle of the night?

We did some fairly firm sleep training at about that age, gentle but consistent. We were exhausted after months of very little sleep, it took about 5 nights to work.

DS is a very well balanced, happy and confident young man now. He has jokingly apologised for giving us a hard time as a toddler and about the sleep training his attitude is "Am I supposed to be damaged by that or something?"

It is far better for a child to have a well rested and healthy parent than it is to battle on with sleepless nights.

So by this age dc2 was only 16 weeks away for me. Absolutely the milk had stopped and it was a cup of milk - no way was I breastfeeding for 3/4 years straight. Nutritionally your dc doesn't need it and its doing neither of you any good now - quite the opposite in fact - so if it was me I would stop with breastmilk altogether at any time of the day.

My DS never slept more than a couple of hours until I stopped bfing. I wasn’t even doing night feeds at that point, but he still woke. He was much better after weaning at 15 months.

He’s still a bit of a rubbish sleeper at 2.5, but I keep hoping that’s down to second molars that seem to keep moving under the gum but never actually erupting…

I bfed both of my DS - but I would wean them off it in your position, especially at night, so your DP can support with night feeds and waking. You cannot carry on like this and your DC needs to learn to sleep for longer stretches.

I would try to break the suck to sleep association. That way you can still BF but not at night. There are lots of methods I'm sure but the one we used was for DH to hold DD and sort of dance/rock her to sleep playing music (which sounds crazy now but worked). She would fall asleep in his arms, without smelling me or milk, then he would lay her in bed. We still co-slept but as it wasn't BF that sent her to sleep she would settle again without it if she woke. It took about a week of doing this and she stopped waking.

She did cry for me and BF the first few times but she was in DH's arms being cuddled, rocked and comforted so wasn't being left to cry alone or anything like that.

I'm sure there's other methods but I do think having the other parent do it takes milk out of the equation and makes it ten times easier. That parent can sacrifice a few nights broken sleep especially when you've done it every night for 20 months.

If it was me I'd night ween (cut out bf at night gradually over a couple of weeks, replacing feeds with a cuddle from dad)
Then have a couple of nights in a premier inn for a full sleep while dad does the nights (come back day time)
Then do sleep training.
You're not doing your baby any favours by sleep depriving yourself to the point of insanity.

You need to night wean OP and I say that as someone who bf exclusively

Just a note that you need to get your 'd'p on board with whatever you decide to do. Not their permission to do it, but to understand the plan. A random comment 'oh is he crying again' by a bystander can be enough to make you give up at a low moment. As you can see from this thread, you can do this in lots of different ways with similar end results, and it doesn't matter as long as you choose a plan and stick with it.

Find a sleep consultant who suits your parenting style and get your partner to pay.

I would get your DP involved first of all.

If you don’t want to stop BF then could you express your milk, that way your DP can give the bottle.

My DD didn’t sleep properly until I stopped BF because she wanted the comfort of me, more than the actual feed.

I assume you’re not working, so I would be sleeping during the day and telling DH why the housework hasn’t been done.

Might not work for everyone- and it would mean your DH putting in a shift- but after 2 years of waking 4-9 times a night, every night, and being hard to resettle, we swapped to DS co-seeping with his dad. It broke the cycle of needing mum- and he was looked after and responded to. DS really improved after that. And I stopped being so exhausted and physically sick on having to get up for work every morning.
Like PP, DS turned out to be anxious and have ADHD- and looking back, I can really see it in the cot....

Your partner needs to do some nights, or you need to let him do some nights, whichever one is the reason why he is not

Personally I’d give up breastfeeding- they’re using you to self soothe, it’s habit you’ve become a dummy.