Please help … I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in 20 months

[Butterfly194p]

Please help - as I really don’t know what to do anymore…. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in one single night for 20 months now… as my DC wakes me frequently every 30 min / 50min / 1:30h or 2 hours max

My DC is 20 months, breastfed since day 1 and I am still breastfeeding regularly, I always responded to the crying, I never tried the “cry out “ method but opposite as i believed it will be more beneficial in the long run to respond to every cry.

However, that didn’t turn out to be the case as my DC hasn’t slept for more than 2 hours since birth, every single night, she wakes up frequently and regularly.
My partner never does the sleep routine so it’s onto me and I ended up co sleeping all this time as I would collapse if I need to respond to this from one room to another all this time.

It’s just getting worst - I have tried everything - magnesium, taking my DC to different activities throughout the day, full tummy before bed, bath, gentle parenting…. And I feel this all was just pointless as I made my life miserable & I’m absolutely exhausted- I got some dark thoughts in the night about myself when I’m left out without sleep too until I properly wake up - because it hurts to live without sleep :(

You need to night wean and do some gentle sleep training.

How do you do that ?

how do I do gentle sleep training to a young toddler ?

Have a Google for sleep training methods and find one that you think would work for you, that you could stick to.

I would night wean first though.

Wean the 20 Month old, get your partner to help and go somewhere else for a few nights so you can sleep.

Can you not express milk and have your partner bottle feed?

When she cries go to her immediately and have a phrase you repeat. "Ssh, it's night time, sleepy time now", or similar. Pick her up, settle her, walk away.

Next time she cries, wait 30 seconds then do as above.

Next time she cries, wait a minute, then do as above.

Next time she cries, wait two minutes, then do as above. Keep doubling (4 minutes, 8 minutes) or adding a minute (3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5 minutes)

You are always responding but extending the time interval. She will be reassured your coming, she will learn to self soothe and go back to sleep, you're not making her cry it out.

The routine, the words, the soothing all puts her in a routine and she'll gradually get used to it and feel reassured enough to fall asleep if she cries.

Will your little one take a bottle now? I breastfed exclusively until 6 months and then introduced a bottle too. I mix fed until 18 months then phased out breastfeeding altogether. If you can get them to take a bottle your partner could take some of the strain and help in the night?
DS had a dummy too. I know there's pros and cons to them but at this point anything that gets you some sleep is a huge pro. You sound at breaking point. It's also worth speaking to your health visitor and see if they have any suggestions.
Good luck I hope you find something that helps.

We were the same at that age. Ok, maybe a bit better from 18m (before about 10 wakes a night) to 3-5. Also still breastfeeding at night. She hated cosleeping so I was up and down like a yo-yo.

It changed overnight when she turned 2 and she started reliably sleeping through. Then backtracked a bit, and it varied, but still much better than before.

She's still hit and miss now at nearly 6! But some of it is related to medical reasons, and she co-sleep with me. If it wasn't for a serious illness at 2.5 I expect she'd be fine now.

You are not alone, there are more of us struggling with sleep than you realise.

My partner never does the sleep routine so it’s onto me

WTAF...

My dd didn’t sleep through or wean for years so I just slept in her bed so she could help herself and I could sleep more. Could you try that instead of sleep training?

WTF indeed.

OP my DD was the same and I didn't sleep more than 2 hours in a row for 2 years. With a lovely, involved DH. DD eventually did sleep through, and I never CIO but it was dreadful. She turned out to have ADHD which may explain it.

See GP. See Health Visitor..
Stop breast feeding and bottle feed.
Sounds brutal I know, but I suspect it might work.
It did for me.

We eventually did sleep training around this age, just before our second was due. It wasn't doing our son any good to be missing a solid block of sleep either. It took two nights.

This 👆

Your child must be knackered also,it’s not good for them to not sleep well.

sleep training is really really hard but so worth it. I did it with both of mine with similar approach to mentioned up thread. Don’t pick them up but shh and soothe etc
they need to learn to self soothe.

Would you consider paying a sleep consultant as support?

This child is nearly two. It is a shocking routine for a child this age. I can’t believe the father just lets you struggle on with this mad arrangement.

She desperately needs to night wean and then be sleep trained.

@MyrtleLion gives great advice. I’ve carried out a similar technique with my DC and now with my DGC. It works well as long as you persist with it.

I agree with the others who recommended night weaning first. Your DC could have whole milk, formula milk or breast milk. I gave a last feed at around 7pm after your toddler has had a good tea and bedtime routine. then if the baby was wakeful, offered bottled warm whole milk. Your body will easily adapt to producing milk during the day only. It is easier if your DH can give bottled milk so see what you can do to encourage him to do this at least for the first week. This would remove the distress DC feel when they are wanting a breastfeed but their DM offers a bottle.

In short, it’s going to get a bit rougher for 5-7 days while you night wean and start to sleep train - but should get a lot better after that.

Your Health Visitor would be a good contact to guide and support you.

Helpful websites: https://happiestbaby.co.uk/blogs/baby/how-and-when-to-wean-night-feedings

For gentle sleep training:www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/sleep/pick-up-put-down-method-sleep-training/#:~:text=The%20pick%20up%2C%20put%20down%20sleep%20training%20method%20is%20literally,the%20crib%20when%20she's%20calm.

My DS had a similar sleep pattern, co slept, BF...
When he turned 2 it suddenly got much better and he slept for far longer stretches.
Around this time I also would cuddle/ssh instead of offering the boob for some wake ups. However, no actual sleep training.
He's now 5 and is a fantastic sleeper, and has been since he turned 2.

My DD is 15 months and I'm going through it now with her. She had been waking hourly up until last month and all of a sudden I'm getting some 3 hour stretches, which are nice.

It's tough, but I'm finding it OK this time as I know it's a phase and will end. I can also see that her sleeping is slowly but surely improving naturally.

However, I agree with PPs, go for the sleep training if you're not happy doing this anymore.

For me, I WFH and my DH let's me sleep in the mornings, so I'm coping (just about!)

No baby of 20 months needs to be feeding at night.
Expect 3-4 very rough nights when you night wean. Offer water only at night, ideally dh would go in
We did lay them down, hand gently on tummy, " shh it's night time now", stand humming or singing quietly with hand on tummy and dummy in mouth, and repeat until they settle

You need to sleep train. There is a method I will send - some kind of nonsense Calm Bright Happy title but its basically night weaning, sushing, not cry it out but "protest and upset". I cant link here as it was on my insta algorimth. Your baby would remove milk from your carcas and if you dont get some sleep you might actually die and there will be no milk left for anyone! Your MH must be in bits and Im sorry your partner is not doing a shift.

Wean at night. Wake your partner and tell him to do some night shusshing. Babies don't physically need milk at night after 6 months -i only discovrred this when mine was 16 months :(

Please put yourself first. You are keeping the whole ship running. Captain needs to pull rank, delegate and sleep train love. You will be ok xxx

Also like: can we talk about how bloody brutal so-called gentle parenting is for Mummas? I really feel for you OP. Get your partner to do a shift or go on general strike. Take yourself off for a night. Whatever it takes for you to get some sleep. Motherhood isnt Guantanamo Bay! It shouldnt be torture! Xxx

At 20 months you can tell her, no more milk until morning darling, go back to sleep. I did that with DS at about 16 months and he soon got the message!

You absolutely don't need to sleep train, in any format, if you don't want to. My son who is 3.5 now was like yours, breastfed too but wanted to be attached all night essentially. Maybe I'd get 3 hours, once every so often it'd be 4. But he was predominantly waking every 2 hours.

For us, the only thing that put an end to it entirely was stopping breastfeeding entirely when he was over 2. I tried just night weaning, but it confused him that he was allowed to breastfeed through the day but not at night. It didn't work, he wasn't developmentally ready to understand that. It doesn't make much sense to me, either. Night-time is when they are most vulnerable, it makes absolute sense for your baby to want you close then more than through the day.

All babies are different though, and are developmentally ready for different things at different times. Perhaps yours might be okay with night weaning. I replaced all breastfeeding with cuddles, and that worked for us.

I've still got a child who likes (and seeks) a lot of closeness, but cuddles and proximity have replaced breastfeeding, and he needs fairly little of that at night now. He's also one of the most outgoing, confident, self assured, expressive, and independent little lads going when he's out in the world! I put that down to how consistently responsive I have always been.

To not respond to your child is unnatural, to be honest. If it feels wrong to you, it is wrong for you both.

Also, the science behind sleep training says that children who are sleep trained are still waking up. They just aren't signalling, because they know you won't come. So to say they are sleeping 'better' because of sleep training is not accurate.

Don’t introduce bottles at 20 months.

Get your partner to help with night weaning. He can offer water at night, no need for milk during the night at this age. Keep your boobs away!

You need to stop breastfeeding

No, you don't.