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Stop breastfeeding to sleep - help!

9 replies

Jessica1782 · 19/02/2025 19:27

11 month old wakes 5+ times a night. I can only breastfeed her back to sleep, and sometimes I can’t even unlatch her and put her down. If I shhhh / pat / rock / cuddle she SCREAMS.

Husband can rock her back to sleep, and transfer her to the spare bed not the cot, and so at the moment I feed her once a night (she drinks quite a lot so must be hungry) and he does the rest of wake ups and cosleeps with her. Takes him about 30 mins each time to get her back down.

This is a big burden on him and I really want to be able to help again (plus I feel so unloved when I cuddle her and she screams, but as soon as I hand to Dad she settles immediately!) He’s going away for work soon and I do not want to breastfeed her 5+ times a night!

Do I need to night wean? I don’t want to sleep train, but if I just refuse to feed, and pat her instead (I don’t want to rock, she’s so heavy), she will honestly just scream and scream. I can’t see her falling asleep this way? How much crying would you cope with before resorting back to feeding / Dad rocking? How can I do this kindly?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
poppyseed68 · 19/02/2025 20:26

I night weaned my DS using a method that I read about in a book (which I adapted in a few ways but I followed the general principles). He was about the same age as your DD and he was waking regularly and having big, long feeds, so I knew he was hungry.

The method involved first timing the length of the night feeds to establish roughly how long he fed for (about 9 minutes each time in his case). I then reduced this by 30 seconds each night, i.e. I let him feed for 8 minutes 30 seconds for each feed the first night then gently unlatched him. The next night I unlatched him after 8 minutes and so on. I got him down to about 4 minutes without him actually waking up.

Once he started waking after being unlatched, I (or DP - we took turns) would carry him around in the sling until he went back to sleep, then transferred him to the bed - obviously you could adapt this to whatever works to get your DD back to sleep.

Once it got down to about 2 minutes I didn't feed him when he woke, just went straight for the sling, as I thought it would be a bit cruel to let him latch on and get going then unlatch him so soon. By this time he was obviously used to having a lot less milk at night and I was confident that he wasn't hungry.

The whole process felt a bit clinical to me and took several weeks, but it didn't involve any upset for DS and it was very effective - I think a slower approach is more likely to have a lasting effect (by the time it's finished, baby doesn't really remember that s/he used to wake up and have big feeds throughout the night). I have friends who tackled it much more quickly and it seemed to be sorted within a few days but then baby would start waking again wanting a feed. My DS never woke for a feed again after we'd finished and has slept well ever since, bar the odd teething or illness crisis.

I don't know if you have time to do this before your DP has to go away but I recommend it if you do.

poppyseed68 · 19/02/2025 20:32

I just reread your post and noticed the bit about her screaming when you unlatch. I think if you decided to try this approach you'd need to do the timed feed and then hand her to DP and skedaddle. Once you got down to not feeding at all, I think he'd need to deal with the wake ups and you stay out of the way. Hopefully she'd lose any reason to wake up.

Jessica1782 · 19/02/2025 20:36

poppyseed68 · 19/02/2025 20:32

I just reread your post and noticed the bit about her screaming when you unlatch. I think if you decided to try this approach you'd need to do the timed feed and then hand her to DP and skedaddle. Once you got down to not feeding at all, I think he'd need to deal with the wake ups and you stay out of the way. Hopefully she'd lose any reason to wake up.

Thank you that’s good advice for how to cut down the feeds - just need to work out what to replace it with that she will accept!

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 19/02/2025 20:46

Sometimes mine will.protest when I unlatch him (and continue if i am holding him) but when I put him in the cot he turns over and goes to sleep. Not always!

poppyseed68 · 19/02/2025 20:47

Jessica1782 · 19/02/2025 20:36

Thank you that’s good advice for how to cut down the feeds - just need to work out what to replace it with that she will accept!

Yes I guess that's the difficulty - any gentle approach involves substituting the feed with something else and it can be tricky. I'm sure others will reply with some ideas soon. Good luck 🍀

HundredPercentUnsure · 19/02/2025 20:59

How much crying would you cope with before resorting back to feeding

Honestly? For me personally, none. We all get so much more sleep and less stressed if I just BF. Night weaning as you've described and sleep training go hand in hand IMO and it's just not for me and breaks my heart. Plus they genuinely do grow so quickly, although it doesn't seem like it now, it won't be forever, so I try to remember that and enjoy the snuggles. My 4yo won't come for a cuddle now, let alone sleep beside me!

Do you BF lying down in bed, do you "breastsleep"? I just pick up baby, plonk them on the (co-sleeping safe) bed, lay down with a boob out and shut my eyes. I go back to sleep for an hour usually, baby is asleep in minutes too, and when I rouse I return sleeping baby (who unlatched at some point) to the cot and go back to my own bed, having lost barely 5mins of sleep all in. And I repeat as needed through the night.

Have you tried troubleshooting with your nap routine to see if that makes a difference to number of night wakings?

It's such an emotional and exhausting (and emotionally exhausting 🥴) journey, this parenting thing, isn't it!

Jessica1782 · 19/02/2025 21:43

HundredPercentUnsure · 19/02/2025 20:59

How much crying would you cope with before resorting back to feeding

Honestly? For me personally, none. We all get so much more sleep and less stressed if I just BF. Night weaning as you've described and sleep training go hand in hand IMO and it's just not for me and breaks my heart. Plus they genuinely do grow so quickly, although it doesn't seem like it now, it won't be forever, so I try to remember that and enjoy the snuggles. My 4yo won't come for a cuddle now, let alone sleep beside me!

Do you BF lying down in bed, do you "breastsleep"? I just pick up baby, plonk them on the (co-sleeping safe) bed, lay down with a boob out and shut my eyes. I go back to sleep for an hour usually, baby is asleep in minutes too, and when I rouse I return sleeping baby (who unlatched at some point) to the cot and go back to my own bed, having lost barely 5mins of sleep all in. And I repeat as needed through the night.

Have you tried troubleshooting with your nap routine to see if that makes a difference to number of night wakings?

It's such an emotional and exhausting (and emotionally exhausting 🥴) journey, this parenting thing, isn't it!

Edited

Thanks - that’s been my attitude thus far…but I’ve never really got the hang of feeding lying down, so pick her up, feed in bed, then try and transfer to the cosleeping bed….and that’s when the screaming can start! Sometimes takes several attempts - relatch, fall back asleep, transfer again etc. It’s exhausting!

OP posts:
HundredPercentUnsure · 19/02/2025 22:36

Jessica1782 · 19/02/2025 21:43

Thanks - that’s been my attitude thus far…but I’ve never really got the hang of feeding lying down, so pick her up, feed in bed, then try and transfer to the cosleeping bed….and that’s when the screaming can start! Sometimes takes several attempts - relatch, fall back asleep, transfer again etc. It’s exhausting!

Do you need to transfer to co-sleeping bed? Can you make your bed safe for co-sleeping and feed there to minimise the need for transferring, if that's the point she dislikes? Sounds like she just got comfy and relaxed in your bed and so doesn't like it when you transfer her? Or maybe trying to transfer her too soon?

Kosenrufugirl · 20/02/2025 07:41

If you really can't stand the idea of letting your baby cry you can try No Cry Sleep Solutions by Elizabeth Pantley. However, by her own admission, it took a month.

I did pick up/put down method by Baby Wisperer Solves All Your Problems at around 8.5 months. It does take a lot of resolve. However as Baby Wisperer says it's one thing to cry alone and another thing to cry on someone's shoulder.

With Baby Wisperer method you put your baby down they start to cry. You wait until they become hysterical and pick them up. If they stop crying on the way to your shoulder- you picked up too soon. You calm them down on your shoulder then put them down. They start crying on the way down- you still put them down and wait for a hysterical note. Repeat.

The idea is to ignore the cries of frustration and only pick up on cries on distress. Baby Wisperer has different methods for different ages. She passed away age 54 and her book could do with a bit of revision for clarity hence my explanation.

The first time I tried it took 1.5 hours. I thought my baby would never forgive me However I had been a walking zombie for the previous 7 months so I couldn't carry on.

He woke up all smiles and actually was less grumpy since we mastered this method. I think he was chronically overtired just as I was (used to wake up every hour at night).

Baby Wisperer used to work as a neonatal nurse, she knows a lot about babies and young children and there are lots of good tips in her book. Ignore her breastfeeding advice, times were different, the rest of her book is excellent. Second edition with yellow cover is better. She literally saved me from a nervous breakdown. I continued to breastfeed till 13 months.

Baby Wisperer also says day and night sleep are related, overtired babies don't sleep well at night. She suggests following the baby's body language for naps, rather than the clock. Watch for signs of tiredness and promtply use pick up/put down technique during the day first, then carry on into the night for continuity (I suspect you breasfeed to sleep during the day too).

I can't remember what the signs are at 1 year, you might need to consult the book. I vaguely remember her saying 1.5 hour naps are better than 45 minutes ones, corresponds with my experience.

Baby Whisperer's method does take a lot of resolve, you must be truly desperate to try it. What attacted me to her method is that she clearly loves babies and young children. I couldn't trust someone like Ferber with his method. He came across as a very cold man in his book.

Once I cracked to pick up/put down technique, it was over in 3 days. The main mistake I made at the beginning was not waiting long enough for that high-pitch distress cry. It's quite distinct. With BW method, you pick up on the cry on distress, you let the child cry out the cries of frustration.

As I have said Baby Wisperer used to work as a paediatric nurse with babies and young children. I swear by her advice. I used her other technique with my other child- he was doing 5-6 hours at 2 months whist being exclusively breastfed and despite being a much more difficult baby to start with. She has different techniques for different ages, you might need to consult the book. 2nd edition with yellow cover is much better than the 1st

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