14 month sleep - reaching end of our tether

[Jam300]

Hi everyone! Long-time reader, first-time poster. Have reached a bit of a breaking-point with DS sleep at 14 months. He's never been a great sleeper, but co-sleeping has enabled us to muddle through in the hope that it would eventually improve - it's sadly just gotten worse. He does go down for a few hours and then we have him in the bed, where he'll wake up to feed hourly. He kicks, scratches, pinches all night in his sleep so even when he is out, we're not getting proper rest. We've tried getting him back to sleep without the feeds but he goes berserk and wakes up the whole house and we're too tired to fight with him.

Everytime we think we're making progress he gets sick or has another tooth come through. In fact, I can't remember a time in the last four months where he wasn't either poorly or teething. We have no real family help, can't give him to friends for an evening of babysitting because of his sleep. I work a mentally challenging job and the lack of sleep is very problematic there. I've pulled away from socialising and trying to see friends. I think my mental health is really poor at the moment and I think it's damaging my relationship with my child because I have so little energy and enthusiasm during the day, when he's at full tilt. It's also affecting my relationship with DP because they're in the same boat.

I think it's become essential to night wean and/or sleep train asap. I've always had reservations around sleep training, but I just can't see how this current situation is a) sustainable b) healthy for DS (or us). I've read that sleep training is mostly popular in the US because of maternity, but we're well out of the maternity window now and no closer to getting anything close a healthy amount of sleep. I go between feeling extremely guilty for thinking this and then feeling silly for doing so. Is it too late for us to sleep train? I've read that Ferber doesn't work past a certain age.

Any advice welcome! And thanks retrospectively for all the hundreds of other threads and advice I've read through.

Hi there,

I have been there and cracked up at 7.5 months. I am amazed you have lasted as long as you did. Sleep deprivation has been used as a method of torture for a very long time. I have reservations about Ferber's method. I read his book and he sounds like a really cold person. I couldn't trust my baby with him. I used the Baby's Whisperer's method from Baby Whisper Solves All Your Problems book (2nd edition). She has different methods for different ages, but I can't remember if she has something for a 14 month old. She might. I would be cautious to sleep train in the middle of the winter. My son's sleep improved dramatically after sleep training in September and then we had a very rough 1st winter when he was constantly ill and waking up frequently as a result. I noticed a massive improvement in April without me doing anything differently. Can you maybe try to take as much annual leave or unpaid parental leave for the next 2-3 months and then start sleep training around April? Elizabeth Pantley gives lots of good tips in her book No-Cry Sleep Solututions if you wanted to try it something out till then. I hope it helps

Hi,
My baby is 8 months so quite different but similar situation.
I think concentrate on separating feeding from sleeping on the last feed first. And also separate sleep space if your comfortable with that will help the night wakings.

I think your baby wants more space hence the kicking etc. My baby would be such an active sleeper but now she is in her own sleep space is no where near as crazy! Just rolls onto side and relaxes.
I think concentrate on getting a separate sleep space will definitely help you both! Could you have a look at floor beds? So you could roll away once fully asleep? Or a bed butted up to your bed for now?

The bed transfer is difficult for us as she co slept for a while but we sit with her for minimum 25-30 mins before we attempt to put her in her sleep space. On a day she hasn't had many naps we sometimes sit for first sleep cycle but anywhere up to 1 hour 15-20mins then attempt transfer.
It's been working great for a good few months and now sleeps in her cot rather than our bed. We will gradually reduce the time sitting with her in hope we can place her in her cot drowsy soon enough!

My baby feeds to sleep on every nap and every night wake, she just cannot settle herself without it.
The past 3 nights we have fed in a separate room with lights on before bed, once she enters the room we sleep in I will not feed to sleep unless she gets very upset as I can't deal with the crying. Anyway 1st night she had a good feed in the other room, got into our room where baby's cot still is, soothed her on my shoulder rocking slightly not to much she lasted about 10 mins then wanted feeding so I did.
2nd night we did the exact same, I could see she was coping slightly better was drifting but just couldn't drift completely and got upset so fed again.
Last night we did the same but my partner brought her in the room, he rocked for 5 minutes then had her on his chest, she fussed not cried for 5-10 mins then drifted off beautifully.

All 3 nights we tried this baby only woke for a feed when actually hungry in the night! From 6-8 times to 2!!!
Or when she hits the side of the cot and wakes which I would try get my partner to go to her so she doesn't smell the milk as easily as once I had to feed to sleep when I don't think she was actually hungry I think just really sad from hitting the cot.

I'm happy to keep 2 night feeds for now but you might be shocked and probably have 0 at baby's age by the time you have separated feeding from sleeping. We really do become there comfort like a dummy.

You are doing absolutely incredible, I would try get some extra sleep where you can in the day, book a little time off work maybe to try concentrate on getting things better for yourselves.
Sending hugs to you mama! X

My husband had to co-sleep with our 2 years old in a separate bed after our 2nd was born. My husband is convinced our toddler sleep improved after he switched the heating to a lower setting

We had pretty much the exact same issue and we chose night weaning. Which was hell for all of us because we’d relied heavily on feeding to sleep for well over a year but we all needed proper sleep.

We agreed DC could still be fed to sleep in our room and then transferred to their own but no feeding at any wake ups until the morning (around 5ish when they can come back to us and hopefully we all get a few more hours!)

As I was still BF DC would go absolutely mad if I went in and tried to settle so a lot of the night weaning was on poor DH. It wasn’t great and there was a lot of screamy angry toddler times but the pair of them somehow worked it out. We did have to make some allowances for really bad teething or illness but like you it was constant so we just had to plough on through most of it or we’d never have done it!

DC is still not a 7-7 sleeper but we get a chunk of at least 8 hours most nights which we’ll take! I’m still committed to the night and morning feed but I am so desperate to kick BF for good so I know we’re going to have to go through the screamy angry toddler stand off all over again 😫

the Ferber method honestly changed our life when we did it with our daughter at 13 months. We did it loosely but she was the worst sleeper (won’t go into detail but a lot of what you’re said) and by the 3rd night she was sleeping through.

I was gob smacked. I felt mean but realistically she was happier and she had a happier mummy. Nursery even flagged concerns about how tired she seemed so I knew I needed to do it

Also I’ll add the good sleep didn’t last very long due to illness and teething but it helped a lot in terms of self settling

When ds was 14 months and had never slept through we had dd on the way so had to sleep train. We did cry it out and it took 3 nights. Problem solved. It was absolutely horrendous but it worked and we never looked back.

Sleep trained children aren't "sleeping through", they just learnt not to call out as no one will be coming. Simple as that and no need to sugar coat it.

Educating ourselves on the sleep development of little people would be far more beneficial than to expect them to not "bother us" at night. Their sleep is different to adult sleep and expecting them to not make a peep all night is utterly unrealistic.

Imagine being helpless and terrified in bed and not being able to get up or call on anyone. Absolutely heart wrenching. But it's ok because your mummy & daddy can have a good night sleep, sharing the same bed, cuddling up...how ironic!

OP, it's the night feeding you want to tackle as it's really not necessary for your 14 months old to be feeding at night. Maybe you get a better night sleep then.

Sleep trained children aren't "sleeping through", they just learnt not to call out as no one will be coming. Simple as that and no need to sugar coat it

I don’t agree with this. I appreciate sleep training is not the ideal scenario but most people do it out of pure desperation. when we sleep trained our daughter at 1 she went from waking every 20 minutes from bedtime to ‘sleeping through’ she wouldn’t even stir. Previously when she’d wake up she’d need rocking back to sleep each time because she had a strong sleep association and then we couldn’t transfer her into her cot. I was an awful parent I was so tired. This went on all night with co sleeping being the only option or sleep train (which you also get shamed for)

When she got used to falling asleep in her cot with a different kind of support, she didn’t wake up and think “hmmm, mummy isn't coming so I’m going back to sleep” she didn’t even stir, had a great nights sleep and woke up happy for the first time in her life. No regrets here

Okay, your post has really annoyed me. You sound so smug. It’s not a case of having a good nights sleep or wanting them to sleep all night, some mums (parents) are absolutely exhausted running on a few hours sleep a night. Mine are 9 and 11 now but my eldest was an awful sleeper and I was genuinely suicidal and seeing a post like this would have devastated me. I worked full time and was a single parent, I genuinely couldn’t cope. He didn’t want to co sleep, he wanted his own space but couldn’t stay asleep without me and wanted me sat patting his back all night. I’m not exaggerating when I say he woke up 20+ times a night.

I didn’t sleep train because I didn’t really know where to start but I wish I had because those early days and the way I behaved due to lack of sleep have truly scarred me

@redbusbeepbeep Smug?! Blunt perhaps, but not smug. I remember being a tiny child and being absolutely terrified at night. I didn't cry and couldn't communicate my feelings, but the feeling of being utterly petrified is still with me 35 years later.

Obviously not all sleep training is the same, there are gentle approaches, but letting tiny children cry nights on end is horrific, and then being proud of having done the cry out method and bragging their child sleeps through the night is just shocking. My post was mainly aimed at that. I don't know how anyone can do that, and I ended up severely depressed and on medication due to sleep deprivation so I fully get the struggles!

No, you are trying to shame parents who are struggling and can’t see another way.

But it's ok because your mummy & daddy can have a good night sleep, sharing the same bed, cuddling up...how ironic!

There’s a LOT more to it than though isn’t there? You’re acting like people who choose to sleep train just want a good nights sleep and have cuddles with their partner when it’s not, it’s done out of desperation for most people.

@Flickeringgreenlight Also let’s not pretend anyone remembers crying in their cot at 1 yo

I'm not here to argue, just expressing my opinion. You do you 🙌🏻 👏🏻

Also, never said I was 1...

My children are teenagers now. They have never been scared to sleep alone and we have an incredibly close and loving relationship. My toddler ds just wanted to play all night, and was grumpy and upset all day through tiredness. I was heavily pregnant and dh was working night and day in a safety critical role. There was no way we were going to sleep on our child's floor or have him in bed with us. We are the adults in this situation and we have to take control of the situation. I still know parents of 3 and 4 year olds who have to lie on their child's floor every night stroking their backs etc to get them to sleep. This is absolute insanity! Crack on by all means and criticise me all you want, but we are a fully functioning family and I can assure anyone that there is no damage done.

I was like the pp who was terrified at night and slept with my parents until an embarrassing age, so there was no way my dc were going the same way. That to me is a personality issue and not as a result of sleep training. My children adore their bedrooms and their beds and have always felt safe and secure. There is too much pseudo psychology surrounding this issue, not to mention big bucks with all the "expert" parenting advice.

No but the child in the OP is 1…