13 month old just not sleeping / hard to put down

[Justrelax2022]

Hey. We are reaching our wits end with night time sleep with our 13 month old.

she has been starting her day at 4.30/5am since June, 7 months ago. Most nights there is relentless crying at some point through the night. Sometimes 10-12, 12-2, 2.30-3.30 there’s no pattern.

recently, she has been impossible to get down at night - taking up to an hour. It’s really affecting our day to day, even little things like you’re scared to start cooking a meal incase you’re needed to help.

she will not sleep independently - we have to hold her to sleep til we put her down. Now she’s a bigger and heavier babe, this is also getting unbelievably hard.

all my friends with same age babies are sleeping through til 6.30/7. It feels so isolating to be the only one . I feel worse now than I did when she was a newborn.

have been 100% anti sleep training - but we are at the point where she cries anyway, being comforted by us doesn’t seem to help.

just no idea what to do. What is normal. How to get her to go to bed without needing to be held and rocked.

breastfed still in the morning and evening before bed.

nursery two days a week which leaves her extremely overtired and fractious.

just unhappy with the situation and looking for any advice or anyone to tell me I’m not the only one as it feels like I am!

I couldn’t cope with this so I sleep trained. My boy is 7.5 months and we started on Wednesday and tonight we managed to put him in the cot and say good night and walk out he barely cried and settled himself to sleep

we didn’t just leave him alone crying those first few nights - my husband was in and out to him regularly.

have to say i already feel so much better and have zero regrets - I was at breaking point and started to just dread my days and nights and wasn’t enjoying him at all
And considered going back to work early for a break

@Fupoffyagrasshole sorry to jump in on this but how did you sleep train? Been trying to try get my 8 month old to sleep in her cot instead of on me and we are up every hour sometimes every half hour

I used to feed him to sleep

so I started to feed him with the lights on and then I bring him to my husband drowsy and he takes him
in and outs him
on his sleeping bag, gives him a cuddle and then put in the cot - he put his hand on him shushing him for a bit then he left the room and came back in after 3 mins, then 5 mins, 6 mins etc max he ever left was 10
mins and each time he came back to reassure

first night took 45 mins
second night 15

and now we have barely any crying

he wakes a few times in night still so husband goes in and literally lies him
back down pat’s him and leaves and he goes back to sleep fast

Sleep train. This is enough to drive anyone mad.
You have jobs to attend to and I perhaps cars to drive (which you may crash if sleep deprived)

We did sleep training with my daughter when she was 11 months old, best decision ever! It wasn't heartbreaking or cruel on her, we used a very gently method. She's now nearly 4, has no lasting trauma bla bla bla.
At the end of the day if your tired or sleep deprived. It's like a form of torture. You can't function.
Parents that are well rested, will make better parents, youre much more able to cope.
Will happily share what we did if interested.
Also have just started sleep training my 4month old. He has hit the 4 month sleep regression hard and fast - waking up every hour. In 3 nights we went from waking up every hour, to waking up once in a 12 hour sleep.
Neither of my babies were good sleepers till we sleep trained. It gets a lot of bad press. I was at the point it was deeply affecting my mental health if we didn't do something

Put them down drowsy, or awake (the first night there's going to be tears anyway, you just need to try think it for the greater good)
Once they start crying set a timer for 5 mins, if they haven't settled, go in, pick them up give them a cuddle (keep it quiet) just enough that they stop crying or settle, not for too long, couple of mins tops.
Put them down, go back out.
If they start crying again set a timer for 6 mins and repeat.
If you've to do a 3rd timer try 7 mins.
It'll be hard to hear them cry, but it's not like you're totally shutting the door.
I did this and after 3 nights my 11 month old slept through the night.
The first night wasn't too bad even, and by the 3rd night she had it sussed.
Let me know how you get on.
I understand it's not for everyone and everyone has their own personal opinions on sleep training.
But I'm a mum who knows what getting no sleep is like and it brings you to the brink.

@Murmum thank you I would be really interested to hear the gentle approach. I’m just not sure I can do the full cry it out, it doesn’t sit well with my values.

@Justrelax2022 i don’t think anyone does cry it out anymore - most sleep training is either in room settling or coming in and out at intervals to reassure the baby!

also you know yourself when your baby is genuinely upset vs just complaining - my boy cries when we leave the room initially and I can tell it’s his annoyed cry not his upset one - he moves around until
he gets in his corner he likes to sleep and turns over and goes to sleep within a few mins now

I always go in if he’s genuinely upset

We sleep trained. Best decision ever. Went from waking every 25 - 45 minutes to reject settling and sleeping through the night in 5 days. Went back to comfort her after 2 mins, then 2.5, then 3 mins, so on until you reach 5 mins then you keep going back ever 5 mins. . . . . But she never stayed awake longer enough for it to get to 5 mins. We didn't pick her up, just stroked her and told her it's okay etc. The other option was to allow clinical depression to take hold of me and to put me on antidepressants for months or even years.
Something tells me my daughter is better off sleeping through the night than waking 10 times a night to a clinically depressed mum.