7 year old crying every night at bed time

[RoseCandyFloss]

Hi all! First post here so bear with me. My fiancé (partner of 3 years) has a gorgeous 7 year old girl who has has split custody of with her mum (50/50 split) and recently she has been crying every single night at bedtime. It's taking around 1-2 hours of crying every night to settle her at the moment and it's really taking a toll on all of us, my step-daughter is usually such a happy, cheerful girl and it's horrible to see the impact this is having. We have tried everything under the sun to help her settle, so far calming music and 15 minutes alone before her bedtime story seem to be helping the most but bedtime is still a struggle. Unfortunately, at mum's she shares a bed and mum stays in her bedroom until she is fast asleep every night. Mum lives with her family and is planning on moving out independently, where my step-daughter will have her own room and her own bed eventually but we are not sure when this will happen. My partner and I are trying to do everything we can to encourage a healthy, independent relationship with sleep for step-daughter but nothing seems to be working at the moment. The last time she struggled like this was when I was introduced to her life and it lasted a few months but we worked together and it passed, this period has started up when mum entered a new relationship but unfortunately it has been about 6/7 months now and things seem to be getting worse. It has gone from tears to her being very dysregulated and hyperventialiting. She has a consistent bedtime routine with us but not usually with mum which can make things more complicated. Does anyone have any experience similar to this? We plan on talking to the school nurse after half-term, is this something they could help with? Or the doctor perhaps? There's a lot of other external factors and my step-daughter is very mature for her age, I worry that something serious is going on in her little brain and am just feeling very helpless.

Thanks in advance x

Hi. I don't have any real advice to offer but I wanted to send a message of support as my 8yo DS is going through similar. Tonight we have been for an hour walk, he has had a warm bath and warm milk and has gone to bed with a hot water bottle. I'm hoping it helps. I have also ordered him a weighted blanket as I read this helps the release of melatonin. I will be following your thread with interest. I'm really hoping this is a phase that will pass.

Definitely speak to the healthcare team so you can hopefully get a referral to play therapy or which ever mental health support is available to you.

As you say, she is going through a lot and needs a lot of love and support, i wouldn’t prioritise teaching independent sleep habits when her routine is not consistent anyway and she is clearly struggling with adjustment and anxiety. Try meet her where she needs to be met rather than where you think she should be at..

Is she able to verbalise anything during the crying spells? Can she tell you what makes her feel fearful/sad?

maybe having a convo at a different time, during the day, about the night times can be helpful, chat about what you would like for her but also trying to figure out what need is unmet for her that she feels panicked about at night.
Have a look at the Zones of Regulation online, helpful tips for chatting about emotional regulation.

All round difficult situation, well done for approaching it with grace and love

This is going to sound really basic but have you tried talking with her about what's going on for her. I'm generalising and it's terrible but I fear men are sometimes not so great with this. You sound like you care so I wonder if you could be the one to offer her a safe emotional place to say how she feels.

If you're prepared to hear what you might find difficult to hear, I personally would do something really bonding with her that she likes, I'd talk to her and id enquire whilst we played. I'd ask how she feels, I'd ask what it feels like when she's crying and can't sleep. I'd ask her what is happening when she is so upset at bedtime. She'll probably say she really misses her mum. She might say she gets really scared.

She will say something that will probably be difficult to hear but I think knowing you are absolutely 100% engaged and listening and sympathising with how she feels is a huge start.

We ask so much of children really.

Not sure independent sleeping is what you need to be focused on at the moment. It sounds like this child is going through a difficult stage and needs a lot of reassurance and comfort. Is it really so bad for her Dad to stay in her room with her while she falls asleep?

Agree with this. She has had so much change in her short little life, she needs support right now.

My advice is: agree with her feelings (not necessarily her desired outcome). It sounds counterintuitive but it is very reassuring to them. It worked like a charm when DS was 5 and in tears every day when he had to go to school. He used to cling to me and say: I want to stay with you mummy.' I used to say, 'Oh but you love school' (which he did) or 'All your friends are there' and he was still hysterical. Then I read the trick of agreeing. You get down to their eye level, so kneel or crouch, and then agree. To DS I said: 'I know. You really wish you could stay at home for big cuddles with mummy and I wish that too. I will miss you all day and think about you and I can't wait for home time.' He blinked and said, 'Okay' and trotted off. he never once cried again. It was like a magic wand.

I tried it on my niece who was in an absolute meltdown once at a big family gathering. I just agreed that she felt as she did (not necessarily agreeing with the outcome she wants. Again, she was calm within two minutes.

So maybe with your DSD, you could give her a hug and say, 'I know, you love snuggling in with your mum don't you? That sounds so cosy and lovely. You are a very cuddly girl aren't you? Let's see what we can do to make you feel all snuggly and cosy in your bed here.'

You could get her a massive cuddly toy, as that would help with the sensory need for a body in bed with her. With DC, who loved getting into bed with us, I weaned them off by introducing a new cuddly toy and saying he was very snuggly and looking for a child who liked bedtime cuddles and he was also incredibly brave and loved to keep children safe all night long - that sort of thing. He could have a partner who is a furry toy hot water bottle cover, whose job is to keep her toes (or tummy) warm and snuggly too. I think psychologists call these transference objects (I might be wrong) but the idea is that the security she feels sleeping next to her mum is transferred to the toys. They give warmth and body weight. These might help.

She is able to verbalise that she is experiencing 'big and tricky emotions' and has specified that she's felt anxious at bedtime before but she isn't able to understand where the feelings are coming from. We've spoken to her a lot, mum has spoken to her too and all she really knows is that something is going on. She often says she misses mum, but then the next day will tell us that she didn't actually know why she was upset and knows she can just say that so it's a tricky one. I'm an early years teacher so I can be very solution based and agree that perhaps there needs to be compromise; I jump very quickly to 'what is best for her long term development?!?!?' whereas her dad is more 'what is best right now?!!?!?!" haha.

As I've mentioned above, she isn't really able to put her finger on the cause but is able to identify the emotions she is feeling. She's an old 7, she's had to be with the fact her parents spilt when she was 18 months and mum had a turbulent relationship not long after so there is definitely lingering anxiety there. We're lucky that she sees me as a neutral ground between mum and dad so often when something is on her mind it's me she talks to, even if it means I've dealt with an awkward conversation or two in my time as a step-parent! It is so tricky and I feel for her so much. If I could press and button and fix it I really would

Sorry to put this out there -
The last time she struggled like this was when I was introduced to her life and it lasted a few months but we worked together and it passed, this period has started up when mum entered a new relationship but unfortunately it has been about 6/7 months now and things seem to be getting worse. It has gone from tears to her being very dysregulated and hyperventialiting. She has a consistent bedtime routine with us but not usually with mum which can make things more complicated. Does anyone have any experience similar to this?

but the mum’s new partner seems the obvious reason that is now causing a 7yo to be too terrified to go to sleep.

you need her father- your partner- to flex his parental responsibility to get her looked at by a doctor and therapist as soon as possible. If there is any hint of SA, then your partner needs to refuse to allow her to be at her mum’s house while her new partner is investigated.

Thank you to everybody who has replied, I really appreciate all of the advice and feel a little bit less alone! We're in a complicated situation so there isn't a parenting book, blog or magazine in the world that seems to know what to do haha 😂. Current POA is a sit down conversation with mum to try to establish a set bedtime routine that is consistent across houses, this may not stick but it's worth a try. We are going to talk to the school nurse, possibly also the doctor but will wait and see what school advise. I'm going to try using some art therapy techniques with her to see if she can understand herself a little bit more and perhaps use one of these as a transference object. She's still not asleep as we speak unfortunately, bedtime started at half 7, but tomorrow is a new day! Partner is in with her now rubbing her back as she is past the point of settling alone tonight. Wish us luck!

Thank you all so much xxx

This. If falling asleep with mum at home is what she's happy with why can't she do that at your house too? She's a little girl who wants reassurance and comfort, give it to her.

This was my first worry! Safeguarding alerts went off in my head too but mum's new girlfriend has never been left alone with her and the issues began when step-daughter found out mum was in a relationship, about two months before step-daughter and new partner met :) It does concern me about the previous relationship, however, as I worry there could be unresolved issues for my step-daughter there x

Does she have this bed time anxiety and crying episodes when she’s at her mums?

it might be as simple as separation anxiety and missing her mum (maybe exacerbated by her mum getting a new partner and her feeling that her mum will be spending time with him when she’s away?) and maybe she finds it hard to say that to your DP for fear of upsetting him?

it’s really hard, I can only echo to meet her where she’s at. Yes it would be better to have a good sleep routine with her falling asleep alone but if that’s not what’s happening 50% of the time with her mum then it might not work.

can you involve her mum in trying to get to the bottom of it or is the relationship not really like that?

What about when mum is sleeping? SA usually happens at night, when everyone is sleeping. The partner sneaks to the child’s bed. And while it is rarer, there are a females who SA children.

The issue has gotten worse so could have started out as anxiety, followed by a worse reality.

Maybe it’s really bad nightmares due to realising death is a thing..and no abuse is happening. Maybe she is starting to have schizophrenic hallucinations at night and is seeing & hearing “ghosts”

No matter what it is, she needs to see a doctor and therapist as soon as possible. Your partner being a parent with parental responsibility needs to get to the root of it. It’s been 7/8 months, hoping it will just go away isn’t working.

If mum is now on a same sex relationship might there be some bullying issues at school around this if she was previously in a heterosexual relationship?

You sound like a lovely person and step mum.

Have you tried a worry monster? She might be able to express her feelings that way?

Different situation but my ds went through sleep issues like this, tried everything. Finally we solved it. He now has a great routine with twinkly lights, lots of soft toys surrounding him to make him feel safe, and the winner for us was having our pet dog in the room with him every night.😁

Good luck hope you get to the bottom of it.

Maybe dad goes in and they read their books silently together until she falls asleep herself? Yes it'll be a pain for dad but if it helps the poor child....

Can dad sleep in the room, is there another bed in there? She can't go on like this.

I cried like this when I was 6, every morning before school.
My mum ignored it, got me dressed and off we went.
I think it was separation anxiety.
I don’t know, because it was decades ago.
I remember Mum asking me why I cried and telling her I didn’t know. I don’t think I knew.
I eventually grew out of it.
You’re a very good mum - step or otherwise - to be so sweet and caring.

Find out from mum exactly what the bedtime routine is there.
Literally - find out every detail as this may help you. Get mum to write it down on steps.

Does she get upset when with mum at bedtime? If yes, what does mum do?

What does DSD want when she is upset, is it for something or someone or she's in a state?
I would ask her, 'what can we do...' or 'if you had a magic wand what 3 things would you wish for?'

Who is living at mums with her? You said family- who?

Aside from safeguarding, night time for kids can be the time their worry's come out. It could even be she feels safer at yours so her emotions show. Or it could be she's feeling scared about both mum and dad having new partners and forgetting her.