Feeling guilty for not cosleeping

[ThisEagerNewt]

My 11mo has always been a terrible sleeper. Atm I usually end up cosleeping with him from about midnight, after multiple wakeups.

We're about to try a few nights of my DH settling him in the cot/putting him back down everytime he wakes while I'm away for work to see if that will break the habit of him waking constantly for food/comfort from me.

We want to get out of the habit of cosleeping so that everyone can hopefully get a better night's sleep. But I'm starting to feel guilty about not just cosleeping full time - he seems to relax when he's in bed next to me in a way he never does in the cot, and I feel like if he needs that comfort and security to sleep i should just give him that.

To co sleep or not to Co sleep is a very personal choice. Don’t feel pressured to do either if you don’t want to.
Have a think about what works for you and your baby. If baby settles nicely and so do you then I’d be tempted to co sleep.
But if you have reasons to get her in her own sleep space then giving it a go is worth it. What are your reasons for this?
Do what feels right for your family not what you think you should be doing!

There's no right or wrong here. His preferences count (because he'll be very vocal when they're not met ), but so do yours.

I never co slept, my youngest probably would've loved it but it wasn't for us so we didn't.

You're not doing anything wrong or cruel. See how it goes and take it from there.

You should do whatever works for you both so you get agood night's sleep. All of my 4 did co sleep at some point. We had a cot mattress on the floor too so they could come in and go straight back to sleep. No broken sleep by keep getting up. They just feel safe being near you. They always grow out of it eventually.

I'm really torn - I've been getting much better sleep since I started cosleeping. The nights before that felt like torture, and the start of the night when I'm trying to settle in the cot still feel pretty rough. But my partner is very against cosleeping, and I get very anxious about safety (I think our mattress is not really firm enough). It's also not the most comfortable.

I guess the ideal situation would be for him to be doing longer stretches in the cot and going back down easily, but I feel terrible trying to achieve that when he obviously feels most safe and relaxed sleeping next to me

Your baby will learn to sleep longer stretches and settle on his own. It’s not really something you can “teach”. They all get there in the end.
It sounds like co sleeping works for you and your baby. I’m not saying your partners voice doesn’t matter but please don’t feel you have to stop just because they want you to. If it’s done following guidelines co sleeping is a very safe option. If your mattresses isn’t firm enough look at this advice of a yoga mat… cheaper then buying a new mattress!
https://www.instagram.com/p/C1IbjiRtb5w/?igsh=Z3ZmZnpqdTl4M2k3

Thanks everyone! Going to see how the 3 nights I'm away go and take it from there. Still feel a bit guilty and cruel, but need to remember that he will be safe and looked after (even though I think there will probably be a lot of tears, with my partner putting him back down in the cot). Will see if that makes any change to the nights, but will probably invest in a yoga mat for our mattress.

You aren’t guilty or cruel - many happy well adjusted children didn’t go sleep. You are talking yourself into feeling bad about it.

But my advise is stick to what you tell him. If you say no to cosleeping don’t give in when he cries - because he will. He will do it because it isn’t what he wants, but as a kid he’s fine. He is mostly crying to test you and to ultimately get what he wants. If will be worse if you constantly try and give in.

Billions of children don’t co sleep and they are fine. Be clear and consistent. Good luck.

Sorry but going to have to respectfully disagree with this… the baby is 11 months old. He has no concept whatsoever of being manipulative to get what he wants. Closeness is a need for an infant.
But I do agree the OP shouldn’t feel guilty… ultimately he will be with his other parent who I am sure will support him through the night, it might be different for your baby but he will have someone who loves him there to support him.
I hope it goes well x

No I totally agree. I don’t mean the baby is being manipulating per se, but rather that is what has worked for him before so it’s a learned behaviour. He cries and mum comforts him and sleeps with him. A child this age can do this. Just the same as a baby will cry when he’s hungry. However, I also get not everyone loves controlled crying but consistency is key here. At his age he will be able to understand sleeping on his own.

Yeh i think he genuinely struggles to link sleep cycles alone in his cot. The longest he ever manages in the cot is 2 hours, and he usually wakes every half an hour, or as soon as I put him down. So the cosleeping happened out of necessity as we couldn't get any sleep any other way.

I'm hoping that after these 3 nights that will improve a bit, and we can at least cut down on the cosleeping.

Think I'm just feeling guilty that that will involve some tears (I definitely don't think I could handle controlled crying, but we will try and support him to sleep independently a bit more). But I know really that he will always be supported and safe.

Thanks for your advice everyone!