Getting my 25 month old to self settle

[Samantha1571]

So, my son is now just over 2 years old and we still have to stand up and rock him to sleep. I'm pregnant with our second and I've already told my partner that I won't be able to do it for much longer because he is way too heavy now. He is not the best sleeper and it can take hours for us to get him to sleep, sometimes refuses to nap then falls asleep by himself in the late afternoon which is not what we want because he ends up going to bed at 10-11pm and it just constantly messes up his routine. He wakes up during the night so then we have to continue to rock him and I just can't do it anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore because I'm tired and just wish he could self settle. I've tried a few methods previously but none worked 😩 I refuse to let him cry it out because I don't like seeing him hysterical like that. I just don't know how we are going to get him to sleep and also a newborn once she is here.

Have you tried putting him in your bed to sleep, the only thing is will he wake when you move him? Alternatively buy one of those nursing chairs? Or maybe a white noise machine to help him settle?

At that age, I wouldn't let DS nap past 4 o'clock. Otherwise, we'd have an awful night. I'd much rather have a couple of grumpy hours and an early night.

I'd start a whole new routine with sleep time; no more rocking.

Maybe lie down with him and read a story?
Or can dad do bed times?

You could try and make it exciting with e.g. a special duvet cover or new bed time teddy.

Once baby is here, you'll not be able to rock him all those hours, so it's best to nip it in the bud before. Otherwise, he may resent the new arrival.

You need to do some sleep training.

Look up different methods and find one that works for you.

Something like gradual retreat could work for you.

There will be some tears probably, but that's fine. It's ok for him to be upset about the new system. It's ok for you to not be able to carry on with the current system. Together you'll find a new system that works for the whole family.

We transitioned from rocking to laying beside him on a floor bed, much less intensive on you!! Can you just lay next to him?

You might have to start letting him cry a bit. I know it’s not pleasant and feels mean, but there’s controlled ways to do it. I mean, there’s surely going to be a time where you’ll be tending to new born and unable to immediately attend to your older child if they’re crying.
My son (similar age) is a little better at sleeping, but still has moments every night. If I can’t settle him quickly I’ve taken to sitting on the floor next to his cot in the dark. I try to avoid speaking at all, he knows I’m there from my breathing. He starts off screaming his head off, jumping up and down crying mummy. I’ll give him a kiss, say sleep time now then I’ll sit down. If it’s taking a while for him to calm down I’ll whisper something like mummy’s still here, or I’ll just shush for a bit. Normally after a couple of minutes he starts to give in, lies back down, pulls his blanket on and eventually drops off, while I sneak out.

Could you try something like that?

@Ph3 he only sleeps in our bed when he is ill or he is cold but he doesn't really like it and needs his space so that won't work unfortunately. He hates if we sit down and rock him as wants us to stand up. We use white noise every night so that won't work either 😩

@FutureFry we try not to let him nap late but he can't keep his eyes open and if he does fall asleep, we try and wake him up with no luck because he is knackered. We lie him on the bed but he rolls around and either has a meltdown or tries to play. Reading a book doesn't work because he will just grab it and ripe it or throw it. He is behind on his development so he acts a lot younger than he is plus he still doesn't say any words so it's hard for us to help him understand that he needs to go to sleep. His dad and I both do the bed time routine because it's so difficult.
That's the thing, I know we won't be able too so I've told my partner we need to think of something before she arrives

@NuffSaidSam well we tried the Ferber method but that failed twice. I will look and see if there are any other sleep methods out there and pray one works because it's such hard work having to do this still

@BoysNameHelp laying next to him doesn't work because he won't sit still and rolls everywhere and if we had a floor bed, he would just get up and play

My 4 year old still can’t self settle, but just needs someone to lie with him. Absolutely you can’t go on standing and rocking him, well done you for keeping that going this far, but it’s not that or leaving him to cry with nothing in between. Can you get him a floor bed so you can lie with him and stroke his back/sing/cuddle? It will still take some work because he’s used to movement but even if it takes longer it’s easier on you/DH than rocking him. I’d also work on DH doing most of the bedtimes now as you’ll need to be with newborn when they come (assuming you’re breastfeeding, you may not be) so getting him into a routine with dad will help. Nothing will be a quick fix but new habits are possible.

Just seen your update - then maybe he does get up and play. Have red lights on in the room which don’t stimulate him awake, keep minimal toys in his room (when my son was little with a floor bed he had a few teddies in his room and that was it) and you stay laying there. Eventually he’ll learn to come and lie down. Nothing is going to work like the rocking right away you’ll need to be in a tricky period while you learn a new thing

Keep at it, it will work eventually. He isn't going to die of sleep deprivation if you don't rock him. He will fall asleep just like he does in the afternoon, when he's tired enough he'll sleep. Just stay firm.

If he's rolling around or playing in his bed this is fine and actually the beginning of self-soothe behaviours. Don't interpret these as a failure.

@Neeenaaw well our plan was that I would look after the newborn and my partner would get our son to sleep and rock him during the night when he wakes up but if she wakes up constantly during the night, I will need his help.
We will try different things and see if they work but I'm not very hopeful because of his routine being all over the place and I think when we try and get him to sleep after a late nap, he isn't tired so us attempting anything before 9, will just be pointless. He really needs to get back into a routine because I know it will be double as hard otherwise.

I think you need a reset. You need to stay firm. At 2 years old they are starting to get heavy so well done for doing it for so long. You must be really exhausted at this point. I think that because you created this habit (which is normal not a judgement) now this is the expectation and changing the expectation is harder. We never did the Ferber method ourselves as I don’t really believe in this specific one (again not a judgment more explaining a personal choice) but I think you need to find something that you can cope with and stick with it until it works. We ended up making a bed on the floor next to his crib and laid next to him, it took nearly 4 weeks but eventually he settled and started to have shorter bed time routine. And you have to not let him fall asleep in the afternoon if he doesn’t sleep at the designated nap time otherwise you won’t get out of this cycle.

Maybe he is starting the process of dropping his nap completely. If so do you think you could stretch him to an earlier bedtime without napping (like 6pm)? Maybe by distraction, taking him outside, introducing a new activity, giving a snack when he is starting to flag in the late afternoon.

In terms of settling him at night without rocking, could you try cuddling him while sitting on a comfortable chair/recliner?

Put him in the bath or outside to play when he starts to fall asleep for a late nap.

is he getting enough exercise/enrichment during the day? I notice with DD she takes ages to fall asleep if we’ve just been in the house all day.

My 23 month old has been really tough to get to sleep recently, bouncing off the walls despite being in her cot. We realised she wasn't tired enough. We try and do a physical activity both before and after nap, even just a run to the park. It's helped a lot.

Other than that, sleep training to teach him to self settle is highly recommended

A lot of sleep consultants don't recommend something like Ferber at this age - its just much harder as they are so much more aware and indignant and can stay awake crying for much longer, which means more upsetting for everyone. We moved to cuddling in rocking chair at 18m as he was getting too big. We had to make sure he was very very tired for bed. Now we lay with him - he fidgets a bit and rolls around but does understand when lights go low and we put on lullabies that its time to sleep. At 2yo our little one needs at least 6 hours between nap and bed to fall asleep well, unless nap was short. We don't let him nap past 2 ish and do bed at 8 usually unless he only napped less than an hour. If he naps late afternoon could you limit it? Or encourage a short nap at a more midday time by car/pram and then they'd be tired at bedtime?

You could also slowly move from rocking to standing still then from that to sitting or laying. This would take a while over a few weeks probably. But if it's taking such a long time to support him to sleep, he may need more time awake or bedtime routine may need tweaking to help signal wind down. I wouldn't assume that being able to fall asleep by himself is the issue.

The Ferber method is self defeating. `I’m afraid you need to put him in his cot and tell him you love him and that it is time to sleep. Then you go out and shut the door. Go down stairs and put the tv on. It’s hard on everyone but the only way. He will cry the first night but will go to sleep and then he will cry less on the 2nd and so on. How do you really think you are going to manage when you have a new baby as well and he can see the attention the baby is getting? You have made a rod for your own back.