21 months breastfeeding cosleeping HELP

[SpryLilacRobin]

My LO is nearly 21 months. We cosleep and there’s no option for us not to. I am a single mom so no one to help on this journey. I need her to stop night nursing for her teeth (cavities from night nursing on demand) and for my own sanity.
She is a very strong willed and particular child, which is great but has made things very difficult.
I have tried going cold turkey, I’ve tried explaining things to her (which she understands), I’ve tried waiting until she falls asleep or near asleep, I’ve tried cutting the time shorter, I’ve tried establishing a new night routine. I was consistent with cold turkey for a month and every night it got worse.

she doesn’t eat much in the day, refuses food outright in the evening. She wakes up at 1am hungry, then even after food is up until 3am. At first she handled the change okay. But now she is up every hour screaming. She doesn’t want to be held or touched unless she’s nursing. There’s no settling her. If I try to hold her, she is doing flips out of my arms or doing some sort of karate moves.

She’s very capable of understanding, which is why nights got harder. She knows milk isn’t coming and is waking up angry.

I caved and gave her milk all night last night because she’s sick and I can’t take not sleeping any more. She nursed all night. Prior to trying to wean she would nurse 5x a night. For feeds and then stay latched for comfort.

I feel like it would be fine if I could get her to eat. And I can’t.

Please help.

It can take weeks/months to fully wean in a gentle way.

Is there any reason she needs the comfort? Have you tried a comforter - a toy or blanket? Are you offering water when she wakes in the night?

I know it's not the done way but I did offer my DC a bottle before bed with milk when I weaned and that filled him up enough to get sufficient sleep. Does DC have their own bed? Could you try and transition them to there so it totally breaks the routine?

She has at least one cuddly toy to bring to bed. I offer her water or tea in the night. And offer before bed. I've tried introducing dummies as well, she's not a fan.

I am also home all day everyday with her, so it's not a separation thing.

She's very picky even with drinks. Only wants to nurse day and night. 🫠

Tea has caffeine in, so isn't a good idea for a night time drink. Does she like cows milk? Can you offer her that in the night instead?

I went cold turkey with breastfeeding at 21 months with my eldest - he wasn't quite as intense as your DD, but I tried gentle ways and cutting down and it just made things worse. Are you still feeding her in the day? I had to stop completely, as my son didn't understand why he could nurse in the day but not at night (his understanding was very good, he just didn't agree that day and night should have different rules!)

At first I offered him banana and water to help with hunger and thirst, and then after about a week I said no to banana when he asked (cried) for one. It was so so hard, but we got through it, and he was sleeping better after a month or two.

It's chamomile tea or fresh mint, no caffeine 😅

She won't drink cows milk on its own. She's not into fruit most days. Even when she's hungry she will refuse food for hours.

I offer her stuff in the night but most of the time she won't take it. Until it's 3:30am and she's been up for a long while.

I was recommended to look at Jay Gordon’s weaning approach by someone on here. It was helpful although I didn’t follow it to the letter.

My (then) 19 month old was very resistant, kicked off massively the first night, and proceeded to do split nights for about 4 weeks, but after pushing through, he will
now go without milk between 2200 and 0530/0600. It’s made a massive difference to how I feel, but not much of a difference to his daytime appetite which is still pretty rubbish.

My advice is to just push through the upset, they’re cross and a bit sad that they can’t have milk but you’re there to comfort them and give lots of reassurance that they can have it again in the morning was helpful for DS. Good luck, you will get there! X

ETA: have you thought about any books to help? I haven’t used them myself but hear lots of recommendations for boobie moon?

My DD will only drink water out of my water bottle but tbh she doesn’t drink much.

I think it’s a case of one thing at a time. I started with lunch after her nap. I’d prepare it whilst she was sleeping so instead of her having milk when she woke, she’d have food. Then I did the same in the morning.

I’ll leave a carrot in her eye sight and she’ll pick it up to snack on it.

my DD still nurses in the night BUT I don’t think she’s drinking much, more that she likes having it as an option but falls asleep after 5 seconds.

Have you warmed it up a little bit? That's what I did as they miss the warmth of breast milk. You could also try soya or oat milk which are a little bit sweeter and creamier?

We cosleep and there’s no option for us not to.

So she doesn't have her own room or bed? You live in a one bedroom house with one bed in it?
If not, rubbish OP. You sleep train. You let her cry if you need to. She will learn. 21 months is way old enough to be able to be comforted by hugs, toys, songs etc, not boobs.

Everyone has different beliefs about cosleeping, especially in the west. I don't have the money to get her, her own bed, I don't have space in our bedroom to give her, her own bed. And even if I did, there no difference to her mattress on the floor and mine?

That sounds helpful, thank you! I'll give it a look

Yeah, perhaps having more expected eating times could encourage her to eat. Thank you for sharing that, I haven't thought of that.

So what are you going to do as she gets bigger? Sleep in the same room bed as a teenager? This is not a long term plan. You need to look into being rehoused and getting the poor child a bed (plenty of charities can donate second hand). Marketplace. Gumtree. If you want it, it’s there.

In response to sharing a bedroom forever... really? 😂 no I'm not going to share a bedroom with her when she's older. But I have no problem doing so for a few years.

Even if I lived in a multibed house and had the money to give her her own bed. I wouldn't. I am a cosleeping mom. That's my preference, please keep yours to yourself.

I wasn't asking advice on cosleeping but on weaning, thanks.

Can you try move her to a cot so some physical separation? Increase attachment to the cuddly toy when there. Offer water or a cracker. Drop the feeds one by one and unlatch her after a set amount of time. Stick to your guns!!

I know you want to co sleep but it's possibly making it more difficult for her to wean. For what it's worth, I slept right beside one of mine for a long time but they were in a cot, it was fine, we often slept holding hands but there was that little bit of separation which helped with weaning. Also, after weaning they used to love falling asleep in my arms but after a few months used to be asked to be put in cot to stretch out with all their animals 😅 you could easily go back to Co sleeping afterwards when weaning is done but it might help to break the association..

Just to add OP, we are very much a cosleeping family and weaning whilst cosleeping is definitely doable - stick to what you’re comfortable with! Actually the night time cuddles now are the best because it doesn’t feel like DS has an ulterior motive!

@Workingthroughit do you have any research to support the idea that crying it out is in the child’s best interests? I’ll be interested to see it - most that I’ve read says the complete opposite and that opinion seems particularly outdated 🤷🏻‍♀️