I'm sick of getting 'the look' whenever I tell someone DS doesn't sleep... ggggrrrrr

[Sufi]

Anyone else with a sleepless babe fed up of the looks people give them when they fess up to the fact that their LO doesn't sleep very well?

I've had it up to here with it - not only am I 6 months in and DYING for a full night's sleep (or even 4 hours, or 3, or, um, 2) but I have yet to meet another new mum whose baby doesn't sleep. And then there are the nurses, midwives, HV, GP, even the bloody chemist.

I was in the newsagents yesterday when the guy told me of his 4 mo DD:

'She only sleeps 7pm til 5am and the early starts are killing my wife. Does yours sleep through?'

[through gritted teeth]. 'No.'

'Oh, but isn't he older than my DD?'

'Yes.'

Oh.'[gives me The Look]

Either everyone in the world except me has a baby who sleeps, or they're all liars. But either way I'm sick of people looking at me with a mixture of pity and get-a-grip-love-it-must-be-your-fault.

Rargh. Rant over. Bedtime begins!

caz10, I was back at pt work when both dcs were around 11 months. I work reduced hours but go in Mon-Fri.

Neither were sleeping through at that point. Far from it.

How do you feel now during the day?

Waking up is the worse, but you get a routine going and you should not feel any worse than you feel now during the day. In fact, I found working much less taxing than looking after babies. Could have a nice cup of tea, toilet in silence and peace and quiet to think. Even the commute was a breath of fresh air because I could read a paper.

You might think that you can't do the morning starts, but then all it means is that your day shifts forward. So if you used to sleep at 11pm, that will become 10pm.

My coping strateges are co-sleeping (can't be precious about that) because your littles might sleep better and if not, you get up less. Also, extended the cuddle time and so I did not feel I lost out on time with them. Plus dcs are emotionally very very close to me and it helped with the transition to ft childcare.

You also have to be very organised to be on top of housework, admin and the like. Make sure your dp (if you have one) is equally on board. Lots of threads on this.

I certainly know one mum in RL who has denied that her child ever had any sleep problems. Even though when ours were both babies we compared detailed notes on our experiences. I think mental airbrushing of the past is rife.

Caz, I'm back at work though only 3 days a week and have been since DS was 10 months and waking 5-8 times a night, and was still bf when he woke. I coped by co-sleeping. Hope you find a way.

you know what i do- before people can give me the 'look', i enthusiastically, and smugly (albeit in pretence), pipe up that 'dd2 is sitll breastfeeding at 15 months and wakes up ATLEAST 3 times for a breastfeed', and pretend to look thrilled about it.

people then think 'wow', rather than 'oh dear', not quite sure why !

You're not alone!!!!!! I'll think of you next time DS1 comes in at 1.30 after I've just DS2 back off to sleep so I have to boot hubby out of bed.
Sometimes feeels like you are the only person awake in the whole world.

Oooh I love this thread, just wish I could meet come mums like you lot in RL! DD 7 months old is so erratic in sleep, never know what we're going to get. Seems I'm the only one in my AN group with a non-sleeping baby. DH and I have just invested in a super-king bed with lovely mattress. It's so comfy and luxurious it compensates slightly for the fact that I don't get to sleep for particularly long periods in it. We are trying to pretend to ourselves that we bought it cos we needed a new bed, not just because it's the only way we can get some sleep with dd most nights! I've barely told anyone that she comes in with us because I can do without The Look!

Gets me so cross that if your baby doesnt sleep the givers of the look insinuate it is something you are doing wrong. IME there is no way to MAKE a sleepless child drop off and believe me Ive tried most of the tricks.

DH and I even went to our GP because we thought something was wrong with dd. There were nights she just did not sleep at all. Waking up wasnt a problem she just wouldnt sleep in the first place. The GP just shrugged and said thats just how some babies are.

One mum was very smug because her dd slept very well. Couldnt help feeling pleased when her next baby was a non sleeper and she realised it was not that she was a "good" mother but sleep is usually dictated by the baby itself.

you are right, people must lie!!

thanks for the answers re work...it's very scary as I will be losing 2 of my main "sleep periods" - currently i go to bed 9pm-ish and get to sleep till she wakes at about 11/12, but when i'm back i'll have work to do at home in the evenings. then in the morning if dh is here he takes her when she wakes at 5/6ish, or sometimes i can get her to go back down for an hour or so, but when i'm back i'll need to get up then. so anywhere between 3-5hrs less sleep...

My 3 and a bit month old goes down about 730pm (now!) but has started waking at 1am, 3am and 5am and then decides that 5am is up time

I find that exhausting and was kind of hoping it would get better!!

She used to sleep 8pm until 4am, and then up at 730am - that was perfect ... !!

My friends babies (same ages) all seem to sleep 7-7 - but never mind!

Just wish I didnt eat all the chocolate to compensate ... !

My MIL says straight up to me, 'oh thats your fault if she doesnt sleep. Mine always slept through.'

bitch.

And apparently hers never had a nappy rash either. Oh, and why dont I keep ice cream in the freezer, hers were reared on it.
Etc.

But she babysits!

Oh it's definitely because you're breastfeeding, everything is.
But I'll check with my mum, she's bound to have read an article in the paper that will solve all your problems.

That sounds very harsh on my mum she means well.
Herecomes, my mum does the "ooooh I wonder WHY" thing. As though i can pinpoint it to a specific event or non-event.

Your not alone out there, as you can tell from all the replys.
There are many of us who are honest about this and so so many who tell little 'fibs' as they have been told by others (HV, Friends,our own parents/inlaws, books) that babies should be sleeping through from a certain age so fell pressured to say that they do, but from my experience many babies dont sleep through for quite a long time.
DS and DD1 slept through until 7am at around one. DD2 has only gone through untill 6.45am once (this week) and untill 3 months ago was still waking up around 3am, she's 22 months. It does get me down but i know it wont last forever- or so i hope!!!

This is a great thread. DS now 4 months used to sleep 7-3 then again until 6am. Now he wakes at 9.30, 12.30, 3.00 and 5.00. Once again, it is put down to bf. I've started another thread about how babies are fed and how well they sleep- just curious to see if there's anything in it. When given the odd bottle of formula, it doesn't make a bit of difference to DS's sleeping!!

Great thread! I hate 'the look' too! I get it alot, most of the other mums officially or unofficially do Gina Ford. Then HV gave it to me last week at dd's 9 mth check coz she wakes 1-4 xs (she tends to sleep for 6+hrs b4 waking though, I couldn't go 12 hrs without food, don't know why babies with little stomachs are expected to!). AND...she told me it was coz I bf her at night and dd is old enough to "manipulate me for a nice cosy feed"! Surely she only has a 'sleep problem' if her sleeping is a problem to me and DP?! Ppl said same bout her demand feeding every 1-2 hrs at 5mths and always wanting to be held. I ignored their 'helpfull hints' and she grew out of both in her own time.

gyp5y, glad to hear your lo grew out of being held all day. My DD is a frequent feeder, bad sleeper, day nap avoider, and likes to be carried about most of the time. In other words she does not conform to the 4 hour routine that I keep being told she should be doing. I'm sick of 'the look', we manage (it is exhausting though). I'm hoping she will grow out of it but the look does nothing to help anyone!

I did a Gina Ford style type dream feed last night, basically picked her up asleep at 1030pm and fed her, really cant believe that she stayed asleep!!

Whilst I dont subscribe to a Gina Ford approach, and whilst I am not on any routine (I wish!!) it seemed to help me, she woke at 4 and then 6 - for me thats really good. Will try it again tonight but scared of waking her up!!

x

PS) I think its ridiculous that anyone can even suggest that a non sleeping baby is someones "fault". I like to think that I am just too exciting for my little one to be without me for too long .. !

PPS) I should feel great with sleep until 4am but unfortunately I had a few glasses of wine too many - self inflicted tiredness I know!

At around a year, everyone (including our friend who does genuinely have supersleepingbaby) admitted their babies wake quite a lot really. Even those with babies who do actually sleep 'through' (which sometimes means 11-5am ) will admit 'well, not when they are teething/unsettled/ill/growing/bla bla bla'

IMO the reason people are obsessed is because everyone actually wants to hear that they aren't the only one... My standard response was/is 'oh yes, she sleeps happily - she wakes up a few times of course...'. I do get the look again now at 2years but as far as I am concerned, my dd is pretty much perfect in every way so if she wakes occasionally every bloody night then that must be what she is supposed to do right now.

Agree it should be a badge of honour like with trainee doctors (read that somewhere...)

PS I ff - although on demand - from 3 weeks so it certainly ain't nothing to do with bf milk...

I remember being at a bus stop and some old hag stopping me to look in the pram.

I should have ran off there and then....

She said I looked tired. I told her my son only slept in 40 minute periods the night before was a gernally bad sleeper anyway and she said.....

"well, I had eight children and I never had a bad night with any of them"

Lying, bitchy, evil witch. Why say that to someone who is so obivously struggling?

I am sorry to say that some people only feel good about themselves when upsetting or being cruel to others

i consider myself lucky with ds2, cos he does seem to sleep quite well - is bf and will fall asleep somewhere between 8 & 10, sleeps downstairs until i go up to bed (12ish) when he'll dream-feed or wake for a feed, then sleep til 5/6ish. BUT i honestly don't know if he wakes or a feed during the night or not. i co-sleeep, and don't let it register if he wakes for a feed. ds1 otoh was dreadful, and i found co-sleeping and letting him latch on whenever was the only way to get any sleep! dd wasn't too bad,but i did end up pacing the streets at 3am with her in the sling and the dog for company once. i'd exhausted my repertoire of nursery rhymes, and there's only so much pacing the floor anyone can stand! (think it was teeth, but cant remember tbh). my mother was very at co-sleeping, but it worked for me!

my boy was 5 lbs at birth and i breast fed him. He was starving and so fed hourly for weeks,,,,then got colic, so would scream his tree off in between sleeping for 20mins at a time.
then his teeth started, then injections were given then colds/coughs started...then worse of all he got croup and wheezed and barked and silently screamed for hours on end, then because his breathing was so awful i slept on his bedroom floor awake all night too terrified to sleep in case his whole airway closed up.

When he was 7 months old i went back to work.
My job means that i have to offer myself completely. i must concentrate totaly 100%. I didnt know what day it was, i had postit notes all over the place, telling me the day and what i had to do that day.
i couldnt trust myself to drive because i was unsafe.
post natal depression took hold...due to chronic fatigue i think, and i got ads and within 6 weeks felt better.
My son was 3 by this time.

Ive just ben up and looked at his, wont hear another murmour from him now til 7am tomorow. he went to bed at 7.30.

while i write all of this, it feels like it happened to some one else. he is nearly 5 now and i feel back to me, back to normal.
I really want another baby, im told by every one that i wont have 2 the same......wish me luck xxxx

Dd is nearly one. Has slept through about four times.

When people ask me if she sleeps through, I say yes. Nosy bastards.

if they are fucking lying i shall hunt each and every one of them down......