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Naps/wake windows/GUILT

11 replies

Dfjackson · 16/11/2024 11:44

Hi everyone
My baby is 5 months and 2 weeks.
Im writing this so exhausted and feeling terribly low. My relationship is just shit at the moment as he works shifts and we’re having an extension on the house so the stress levels are so high.
For months I will only really go out the house between naps (currently napping 3 times a day) I have pretty much consistently stayed in the house for months as I can’t get very far between naps as I live quite rural. I feel guilty she is spending her time awake in a coffee shop or something rather than developing her playing/reading tummy time etc: I might go to my mums house for the day if I’m feeling adventurous as I know I can still get her napping quite well and she lives closer to places than I do. I’m doing this because of the complete guilt I feel for my babies naps. She will sleep a maximum of 30 minutes in the car or in the baby carrier if we are out. She hates the pram and has never slept in there.
The only time my baby naps well is on my chest in a dark room.
Ive been so obsessed with wake windows and making sure she gets in good naps and good sleep I’m really starting to struggle mentally.

Does anyone have any advice please? I thought of maybe doing 1 or 2 days going out and just going with the flow with her napping in the carrier, I just don’t want to cause over tiredness :(
her sleep at night is terrible with all the sleep regressions, she does go in the next to me crib but is up and down like a yoyo so I’m exhausted and don’t want to make my life worse by ruining her day time sleep :(
Ive become so obsessed with her sleeping well it’s not healthy for me
If I don’t go to my mums I take her in the garden every day and maybe nip to the shop if I need something but that’s it :(
Any help or advice please xx

OP posts:
Brightandbreezey · 16/11/2024 12:56

I know the feeling well… I was obsessed with wake windows and how much my baby napped. It was stressful!
But you also need to think about you and getting out and about, your baby is fine in a coffee shop! I am sure you can fit in tummy time etc. at other times of the day but you getting out and about is also important. If she sleeps in the carrier great… take that and head out! Go to a coffee shop if that’s what you fancy… or pop to the library - they usually have baby groups on so you can feel like she’s getting some development stuff in and you might meet some other parents there! I got loads of tips of other parents on stuff to do in the area for babies/toddlers.
Also just to note your baby is still so young and it’s hard! It does get easier with time to get out and about, don’t put too much pressure on yourself and do what you feel is right. Babies can go along with most things! Yes fresh air is great but they are fine indoors too!! Be easier on yourself xx

Brightandbreezey · 16/11/2024 12:58

Also half hour naps are pretty normal at this age too… don’t stress. As long as your baby is generally happy during her wake times, has energy and is developing ok… you have nothing to worry about!! Take a look at Lynsey Hookway on Instagram… she normalises loads of weird baby sleep behaviour and made me feel a lot better!!

BackinBlack24 · 16/11/2024 13:13

I could have wrote this !! mine is 5 months and I use the huckleberry app to track her naps and sleep, I never go far from the house and all naps are at home I actually think I have ptsd it's been so hard as she little wouldnt sleep anywhere but on me since she was 5 weeks and screamed every time I tried to put her to sleep. I've had one or two horrible experiences of her screaming for 30+ minutes in the car like she was being stabbed because she was so tired but wouldn't sleep . I did sleep well with Hannah's sleep course it's very gentle and it's the best money I ever spent honestly it's like night and day I would really recommend her by the end they self settle and should be able to sleep anywhere when tired .

Soonenough · 16/11/2024 13:16

Just to say regards the pram. She might not like to be completely flat . Try raising the end you place her head on .

PartyOFive · 16/11/2024 13:33

Worrying about a baby's sleep can be so overwhelming, and you can become really anxious about doing the things you know work best. Short naps are so discouraging as well. I've been there, many of us have, and it does pass but here are some thoughts as well.

At 5months your baby doesn't need a lot of special, baby focused activities. Watching people in a cafe, seeing the sky or trees from her pram, playing on a mat at home or watching you cook/tidy..talking to you and your mum, hearing you read or singing songs to her ...all those things are great for her and you don't need to feel guilty if that's what she does most days.

Although she doesnt need baby groups or classes, you do need company and support, so you also don't need to feel guilty if she has a day or two where she does get overtired or you miss a wake window. It won't harm her, in the same way that we can cope with a night or two of disrupted sleep. Some people, even as babies, just need less sleep or sleep for shorter periods. If she is generally getting some sleep and doing well overall then don't feel bad if one day you go out and she misses a nap.

Also at this age she will change pretty quickly (I know to you it won't feel quick!) my eldest for months would only nap on buggies and carriers so I had the opposite challenge of never feeling I could stay and relax at home - walking, walking, walking for hours of his life to keep him napping. But he changed eventually. We just kept trying cot naps every now and again, accepting that on many days when we tried it wouldn't work and we'd just cope with the slightly earlier bed or grumpy afternoons.

His siblings had other sleep challenges and really my main lesson from all of them was to do what you need to in each phase but keep an open mind to trying a new thing with the attitude that it might go better than you think, and if it doesn't you will all survive the short nap/early wake/late night or whatever the challenge is in each phase.

I also think the best thing you can do as a parent is trust yourself. Seek advice, but try to let go of the stuff which doesn't work. You know your child best and you know yourself so give yourself permission to try a day out of your gut tells you that you need it (and with an extension being built that's all the more reason you might) but equally give yourself permission to be home with her, if that's what feels right.

This stage is so hard, I think 3-6months was my least favourite bit of babies. You have my solidarity 💐

andreen23 · 20/11/2024 09:53

Your needs matter too. Socializing and getting out of the house is just as important for you, and it’s okay if the baby’s schedule isn’t perfect every day.
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Dfjackson · 21/11/2024 10:46

Thank you to all of you I really appreciate your kind words and advice.

No one ever told me how hard the first 6 months are my gosh it is so overwhelming x

I managed to get out for a walk and hot choc with a friend yesterday and I’ve scan booked in the hairdressers to try give myself a boost of confidence.

It is a constant battle of feeling like you want to rush time as it’s so hard but want time to stand still 😢 xx

OP posts:
PartyOFive · 21/11/2024 21:59

Well done on taking those positive steps @Dfjackson , perfect hot choc weather at the moment.

That balance is really difficult ,yes. Eventually I tried to view the hardness as part of the stuff that makes the time important - not quite sure how to express it, but I began making a note each night of something that had been hard and something special. Think I called it my trial and my triumph each day, cos I like that kind of stidd. When I look back now at my little baby years I can remember both the moments of joy with fondness and the hard slog with a kind of pride that I made it, that I learnt from it. Even with a sort of fondness for it because it was part of what really unique time in our lives.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 21/11/2024 22:15

You might find the Possums approach to sleep helpful. It's basically about ditching wake windows and going with the flow. Babies don't need set naps. That's a modern and quite Western concept. Babies are designed to nap out and about and on the go as and when they need to, that's what we did for millenia.

I was like you and it drove me half mad. I felt so so much better once I gave up on that and followed the Possums principles. There's a paid version but also a lot of free content online.

Trallia · 21/11/2024 22:23

These apps and all the guidance have a lot to answer for...

Ditch the apps, the monitoring, the obsessing, the guilt. The baby will sleep when tired. If she gets overtired occasionally there might be some yelling before sleep, but it'll be fine!

I'm not an advocate for ignoring what your baby needs, but - respond to your baby, not what some random "rules" say. Remember, also, that you can't respond well to their needs if your own aren't met.

Feel free to go out and skip some naps. I give you permission to enjoy yourself and you maternity leave if you need that! And, if she seems overtired after a few days, stay home and make sure to get some good ones in the next day...

Dfjackson · 21/11/2024 23:21

i definitely need to try and relax more into my natural instincts than this hackberry app, I know when my baby is tired yet I’ve put all my head space into this app rather than just going with the flow of my little girl.
It’s so accurate that’s the part where it grabs you I think, when it says she’s ‘due’ a nap, my little one is tired and nods off pretty bang on to when it says! I’m obsessed with her sleep in general so I think that mixed with this tracking app is just adding fuel to the fire.
Im going to attempt to ditch the apps and stop being so obsessed with how much sleep she gets. My mum had 4 children and is so confused by this app she says exactly as you all have. Maybe this is why her sleeps so blummin bad because I’m obsessing with it so much rather than letting things naturally occur. If my baby is due a nap and I’m not home in the perfect conditions I’m already starting to panic, my little baby will feel that from me I think rather than drift off probably! 😔 I like the idea of the trial and triumph each day thank you❤️
I think I just need to relax into being a mum and all the natural instincts that come with it. I’m breast feeding so that’s been a difficult journey in itself too so I think I’ve just done way too much googling and gone into rabbit holes I can’t find my way out of! You have all helped me find my way out, or shown me the light at the entrance at least! Thank you all so much. I find it amazing what we can give to each other just by communicating you have all changed my mindset completely thank you x🙏🏼❤️

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