Husband and I argue about sleep since having a 10 week old

[Maariya04]

I'm getting fed up and tired of constantly arguing about sleep and also other things e.g I have to tell my husband what to do all the time with our son without him being able to figure things out for himself sometimes. My husband does have a short temper, he doesn't handle tidiness well like I do. He gets snappy a lot of the time. We spoke about this and he said he would work on this but I don't think it will really.

Recently he complained he doesn't get enough sleep and wanted a "lie-in" when I handle most of the nights and when I get tired after looking after our son all night so I wake my husband up to ask if he can take over. Since our son sometimes stays awake from the morning feed my husband wishes he could go back to sleep but feels like he cant to look after him until he settles again.
He doesn't seem to understand that I don't get any lie-ins. I have broken sleep all the time. Sometimes I can nap for a few hours in the night/day and he thinks I sleep plenty cause I am on maternity leave and I sleep when I can whilst he is away at work and due to his shifts, mostly when he does the early mornings I again do the nights.

We just came back from visiting our in-laws for a few days and how we did the nights was I would feed and change him whilst I would wake my husband up to warm his bottle up and he would go back to sleep. Then when it came to the morning I would be exhausted from the broken sleep, I would then wake him up to take over but he would get upset that I wasn't able to get a lie in from having some time off from work. I got frustrated with him that he didn't communicate this to me before and I would have done the morning time instead of the night so he could then have his lie in the morning.

I do as much as I can and let him sleep for as long as I can handle but I feel he is being unreasonable. Don't get me wrong, he is a very loving father, adores our son and looks after him after he gets back from work on his days off he lets me do what I need to do and looks after our DS as much as possible but sometimes I just need more of a break. When my husband is off he tries to take over the nights for a few hours but he struggles to settle him so I still have to wake up anyway to settle our DS to sleep. I just wish he understood how much work, and effort and how physically and emotionally draining it can be. He always has me to rely on if he struggles to settle our son but I don't have this with him. Either our DS just prefers to be settled by his mum than his dad or he just doesn't do it right. I don't think he sees how tough it can be sometimes and even tho I am off work that doesn't mean I am not working and I do get to catch up with my sleep whenever I want. He works 40+ hours a week, 5 days. His morning shifts is 6am-2am or does the night shifts which is from 2pm - 10:30pm. I think the issue is that he doesn't feel he gets enough sleep when he also has to go to work but in my mind that is part of parenting. It isn't fair that he can ask for more sleep when I look after our son every day and night when he's at work. I get it men work then comes home to look after our kid so he feels he does a lot but working and looking after our son for a few hours in the day is different to being a SAHM in my mind.

I would love to hear your thoughts and how we can make it easier for each other. TIA

It is so hard OP, my baby is 5 months now and still doesn’t sleep amazing so I do get it!

I’m not sure I understand what you mean by your night time schedule, so when he finishes work at 2am, which bit of the night is he doing? And on his late shift, which bit is he doing?

The first and most obvious thing I can think of is that one person does the night, and the other does the early morning. So rather than you change & he wakes up to do the bottle, ONE of you needs to do all of those things. That way the other person doesn’t have a broken sleep, and then that person can do the early morning while the other catches up on sleep. In the earlier days when my baby’s sleep was worse I would do the night time until 4:30am ish, but then when she woke up after that time he would get up with her. This meant he was able to sleep 9:30pm-4:30 undisturbed and I would get chunks of sleep during that time but then got 4:30-7:30 undisturbed, so we both had a decent amount of sleep. There’s no sense in you both being up through the night at the same time because then you both could really do with extra sleep/lie in on a morning which isn’t doable.

So is there a way to organise your nights like this so one of you gets a good chunk of sleep, and then the other takes over?

The exception though is depending on his job, if he’s working with cars/heavy machinery etc then it is important he has had enough sleep.

Being more tired is part of parenting but there are ways to make sure you both get the max possible amount of sleep, main one being not both being awake at the same time, let you both get a good chunk of undisturbed sleep.

Also to add, on the weekend take it in turns to switch so that you both get 1 proper lie in each week.

I know it is hard but try to avoid competing over who is more tired- you’re both tired, you both need sleep, all you can do is try and find a way forward in the short term x

Sorry was a typo his morning shifts when he is at work he does from 6am - 2pm. He goes to the gym so by the time he does that and gets home would be around 4:30pm from then on he would take over and help until he has to go to bed at around 9pm. Then I do take over and do the whole night since my husband wakes up from 5am for work.

When he is on the late shift at work he does from 2pm til 10:30pm so doesn't get home until around 11:30pm so he then takes over to help for a few hours I would say possibly 3-4am then I would take over until he gets back from work. I hope this makes sense.

He also works as a team leader at a Pret a manager. Usually if one is up in the night that person would do everything but just the time we were staying at the inlaws one of us would go and warm up the bottle at the kitchen as we didn't have our usual night stand setup with our bottle warmer etc. And even when he tries to help in the night I still end up awake cause he struggles to settle our DS back to sleep.

That would be helpful but he fails to see that he ends up with a long stretch of sleep and I never can due to always needing to help our boy settle down.

I just wish he understood that even tho I can catch up with sleep it's still broken sleep as he gets to enjoy 5+ hours of undisturbed sleep.

Also thank you for your advice.

Sorry that sounds tough: this stuck out to me “or he just doesn't do it right.”. The only way he will learn and gain confidence is that you don’t intervene: the best advice I ever got given was don’t become the “expert” on the baby. You have to let him settle the baby himself-how else will it better. There’s no right or wrong way to do things; beyond basic safety things. Can you sit down and agree a schedule throughout the week for splitting sleep; based on his shifts. Don’t make it a competition for who is more tired.

Yes, this is something I struggle to do to not intervene :( I found it hard as a mother to hear my son crying and all I wanna do is help and make things better for everyone. I do realise that he needs to get used to my husband more and they both are comfortable with each other. Yes, this is something we need to chat about for sure. Thanks again

I understand the frustration. I think resenting your partner is really common in those early months because they can just swan in and out on a whim while we find ourselves asking "do you mind if I have a shower?". I think it's just the roles we often settle in to.

I exclusively breastfed which was exhausting doing all the night feeds but I remember saying to my partner at the time that it's probably better that it's just my job, because if he could do it too, we'd end up arguing over who should do it!

Try and prioritise yourself at least one day of the week. I know you are getting up to settle every time, but can your partner take over from say 6am on a Saturday and let you sleep until you want to get up? It's not the same as a nights sleep but if you can get 4/5 hours undisturbed it'll make the world of difference.

I used to dream of leaving my DH with DD and swanning off to a local hotel 😂 never quite managed it! She's 16 months now and still never spent a night away, but she sleeps through reliably now!

I do agree that you need to resist the temptation to take over and settle your baby yourself.

Let your husband figure this out for himself. He'll never learn otherwise.

Is it possible that your baby can just be more comfortable and settle better with their mum than the dad? He fusses with my husband and he tries to settle him as much as he can but if it doesn't happen he would then pass him over to me he settles sometimes straight away!

Yeah, maybe we need to discuss and arrange a day each in the week to have good undisturbed sleep and communicate better about what will work best for us to have some good rest for us both.

He's awful - why on earth does he expect a lie in with a young baby. You need to agree shifts - if he wants a lie in then you need to have an early night away from the baby eg sleep from 8pm - 5am and then take over. And he can sleep from 5am- 10am etc.

My ex managed to avoid this by walking out a few weeks befor baby arrived but he would have been just like this if he'd managed to stick around a bit longer.

Sorry to be blunt but you're the reason your son isn't settling for him at night -: by taking over every time. Your son won't settle for your husband if you keep doing that!

It’s tricky with a new born for everyone involved - long nights, not much sleep, hormones and big feelings all over. I completely get it - and it will get easier.
something that really worked for us was doing turns in a Friday / Saturday - so on Friday night and Saturday morning, I’d get up every time and leave husband to have a full nights sleep and a lie in, then on Saturday night and Sunday morning, he’d get up every time & leave me to have a full nights sleep and a lie in. It really worked for us - both having a guaranteed full night with no early get up. Def getting more sleep improves everyone’s mood!!
Congratulations on your new baby - hope you can find a way x

I disagree with most of what's been said. I feel that if you are on maternity leave you should be doing most of the night feeds during the working week..as it's not good to be knackered and driving etc. you will be knackered for a few months but that's life with a new born.

But at the weekend you should take it turns to make sure that you both get a lie-in/opportunity to catch up on sleep.

What a selfish dickhead.

So as PP said, you have to leave him to work out his own way of settle baby. Especially if baby isn't being bf, he should be able to figure it out. So put ear plugs in or listen to music whatever it takes to not hear baby fussing and try to get yourself some nap time. Another idea is that he takes the baby out on a walk or something so you can't hear them and get some peace.
Realistically his work schedule is tough to work around and he had to realise that things like gym may take a back seat for a few weeks whilst you get into a routine.
If this is your first, he probably doesn't realise how much work it is looking after a small baby and how hard it is to cope without sleep. Sleep is the no1 priority so try to figure out a plan where you both get some decent stretches. I see plenty of men in the early morning when I go for a run in the local park walking around with tiny baby at 7am, clearly doing a "get out of house so mum can get some sleep" thing.
Realistically though you will get less uninterrupted sleep until baby sleeps through as he's working so he does need to get a bit more sleep. Maybe focus on some tactics to help baby get a longer stretch? Can you keep baby up a bit later so he goes to sleep a bit later ? Can you give him a slightly bigger feed last thing? See if he lasts just a little longer?

Having a new born is ridiculously exhausting!
I don’t think your OH is being awful and I don’t think you are either. You’re both just doing your best to adjust to being parents of a new born.
Now you appear to have some sort of established timings in your routine for the baby, the next step is to sit down with a pen and paper and figure out who is doing what and when so that you can both see, on paper, the hours of sleep, childcare and work you are each doing. Then just try to even it up so that you each have some extended sleeping hours to look forward to throughout the week.

Good luck, and congratulations on your baby boy!! 🩵🙌🥳🤩

You need to invest in some really good earplugs and and baby and dad both need to know you are not swooping in, they both need to figure out how to do this together. Once they both learn this it'll get easier.
You deserve a chunk of sleep too.

Ah, short temper and doesn't handle tidiness?
What's the point of living with someone like that?
Congratulations on your new baby.
When the exhausting phase passes, re-evaluate your marriage.
Good luck 🍀

We have a schedule in which one of us does the night, and the other gets up with her in the morning, then we swap the next night.

So every other night you get a full night's rest with an early wake up, easily combatted by going to bed earlier.
Or a lay in if you're so inclined.

She's a great sleeper now so it only really comes in to play if sick or teething, but we still stick to every other morning as it's great to know you can take the lie in/hit the gym etc.

We set times of when it became 'morning' too and these evolved as her sleep did.

Initially I think it was anything after 2.30 was morning, so split shifting in a way. But going to bed at 9pm got you a good rest before your risk slot kicked in.
Then became 4.30, now it's 5.30.

When sick we tend to go back to the tiny baby shifts of around 2/3am it becomes the other persons problem.

We did this from day one at home, throughout each of us returning to senior busy positions, on holiday, whatever.
It seems our bodies adjusted well, and we always knew what we were in for in a way so coped better.

We will flex if one of us is poorly or been out the night before etc, but that's just basic relationship courtesy really.

Thank you for everyone's advice, it's much appreciated. My husband and I have had a good discussion about things, figuring out a sleeping schedule and we have agreed on something for when he does his late shifts at work and when he is off work to support one another. We just gotta try what works best for both of us until our LO sleeps more throughout the night. We are already seeing a difference in our darling that he only wakes twice in the night when we Co-sleep with him, he then has longer stretches of sleep. We love each other very much and couldn't think of us breaking apart. It's certainly a learning curve for us both and he has things he needs to work on with himself which he is aware of and hopes for things to go more smoothly bringing up our first child. He is a loving caring husband that I couldn't dream of losing him. But he does have moments which piss me off, but he is human at the end of the day. We don't want to lose one another over the stress of our child and hope we can learn and grow and be better. Thanks again and I hope we see an improvement 😊This weekend was much better since my husband was able to help and settle our son in the night. It's odd but the LO only seems to settle with me during the day and evening but late at night he settles ok with my husband fine, possibly because he is too tired to fuss much idk 😅😂but I was able to have some good stretch of sleep these last couple of days! We will continue to find the sweet spot and hope to be less stressed about the situation.

I agree that it wasn't right for him to expect a lie in without him communicating with me on what he wanted/expected. We then spoke about this and we both understood what we wanted from each other.

At this point DH & I were just surviving.

I think to a point that sleep competitiveness comes with the territory.

I can also relate to not relinquishing control. They need to find their own way with baby, it will probably be different how you would do it but that's fine too.

Obviously your DP loves your baby as much as you do so trust that he won't do anything to harm them.

This was a hard lesson I learnt by the time DD2 came along!

But honestly, you're right in the thick of it at the moment.
It won't always be like this.

Best thing to do is for both of you to bite your tongues and just wade through as best you can.

When my son was a newborn my husband didn’t do even 1 night for a whole year. I think it’s great when partners help but I honestly never had that. The way I see it is that I wasn’t working and he is. He needs the sleep to be able to focus on work and not mess up to bring the money in. Yes I was exhausted but I also got to have lie ins with my son occasionally and even if it was broken sleep I just spent more time at home resting when he was sleeping.
He works as a supervisor at Pret so sounds physically demanding too with the walking around and dealing with customers.
At this stage you just have to plough through it. They don’t always stay this little and will sleep eventually and you might find that he does more now. I was doing way more when my kids were newborns. I was breastfeeding so my husband couldn’t do anything at night. I just got on with it.
But nowadays he does more than me with the kids sometimes. Things change do change especially that you are so early into your parenting journey.