Baby waking multiple times for long periods in the night, dad doesn’t help

[Tzbch]

I’m unsure what to do. My BD does not ever help me with night feeds. She is now 8 months old and going through a regression for the past 8 weeks or so maybe even longer. I have been up for hours on end every night and she only sleeps for a maximum of two hours in the day, so I am extremely sleep deprived. I have done all the night feeds since she was born apart from the first week as I had an extremely traumatic birth, and even then he got angry because he was ‘ doing everything ‘ ( I had a zimoframe due to such trauma and couldn’t even get into bed, I also nearly died during labour) and recently I have been resenting him for this. He does a very physical outdoor job so expects me to do it 24/7, I am usually happy to do it but now I am at breaking point and he doesn’t care to help me out. Even on weekends he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Never does night feeds. if he does try to help he just gets angry so I feel the need to take over as the baby senses his frustrations and he isn’t capable to settle her due to being so frustrated . I recently suffered with an extreme tummy bug I had been awake all night and so had she due to her regression, he didn’t help whatsoever so I got angry and told him he was selfish. Am I wrong for this? Or is he the problem? Any advice please

Are you working? Do you have any family who can give you a break?
I hope your contraception is 100% as I wouldn’t be having another with him.

If the baby is half his and half yours, then as far is possible he should be doing half the childcare. Night feeds he should take more than half, as I assume you’ve got the kid all day? I worked full time and did all the night feeds. It’s tough but it’s possible, and it’s a great bonding experience. Did he want to be a parent? Or did he think that his duty was done at conception? He sounds like a prick.

It’s difficult because he is great with her in the evenings or during the day if he has a day off but at night time when she wakes up he is like a different person. Irritated and doesn’t help. It’s a confusing situation for me

Yes I look after her all day and all night, aswell as doing household chores etc so I am exhausted 24/7. But because he works I think he expects to come home and do nothing. He usually baths her and gets her ready for bed and off to sleep, but recently keeps going on about how ‘ he’s been doing it all the time’ this annoys me because despite him working I am looking after her 24 hours a day cooking dinner for all of us doing chores etc, him putting her to bed of an evening helps as I have a chance to actually cook us dinner and clear up but the way he makes me feel bad is really frustrating me, why should i feel bad because he is helping me with his own child ? I really don’t know what to do

That is such a hard situation. He is of course being massively unreasonable (and really unkind) and is showing you very clearly what sort of man he really is. People will be along to say he should man up and crack on with helping out with the night feeds. That's obviously true in theory but with men like him who allow themselves to get angry and frustrated in the presence of a baby, I think you're right to be wary and wanting to take over. It's so rubbish, because he's got you over a barrel: because you want no harm to come to your baby, you're always going to err on the side of caution and step in ‐it's a natural instinct. Sure, he may not physically hurt your baby in his night-time moods, but your baby will absolutely feel his aggressive energy. Men who act like this are shits, irrespective of how 'great' they might be in the daytime.

I'm assuming you're bottle feeding as there is the possibility of him helping with actual feeds, not just settling back to sleep? I never bottle fed, so was able to just bypass the whole night feeds thing by co-sleeping and BFing. Could you cosleep in the same room as your baby and have everything set up for night feeds in there so at least you don't have to get out of bed? Take your partner out of the equation altogether? Sure, it benefits him really unfairly and he's likely to think you're being unreasonable, but at least it'll remove the stress of those night-time conflicts and dealing with him being grumpy a selfish a-hole as well as feeding your baby. It's not ideal, of course. Ideal would be you skipping off into the sunset with your lovely baby to stay with supportive family and friends and leaving his sorry, manipulative ass behind to regret being such a man child.
Wishing you and your baby all the best, OP.