Do I just need to get a grip with the crying?

[SpringTime2023]

14 month old is breastfeed and is still waking every 2-3 hours, demanding BF. Used to sleep independently at the start of the night until about 11 months old, not anymore.

I tried controlled crying (leaving intermittently) and then staying in the room as she falls asleep, but both ended with LO massively distressed (the hyperventilating type cry) after 20 minutes and I gave up. Father can rock her to sleep instantly, but obviously she's still not learning to sleep independently.

Howwww do you cope with the crying? Just goes against my instincts BUT I need better sleep. Is 20 minutes a ridiculously short time to give up? It feels like eternity when she's in that state though.

Have you tried giving water and other drinks with a suppy cup or normal cup? Thirst and comfort in this heat is likely the reason why there's more demand for BF and a bit of crying.

Went through this with my DC who BF 18m and 2.5y respectfully. Miss the BFing years.

sippy 😅

By 14 months I'd go cold turkey on feeding overnight.

Can your dh do the night wakings for a few nights to break the habit?

Yeah, I was wondering whether the heat was making everything trickier. Maybe I'll take the pressure off until it's a bit cooler.

I think he needs to...I suspect she'll kick off after the second wake but yes, worth a go. For some reason I feel guilty asking him to?!?!

Stop doing it, respond to your baby. What are you so scared is going to happen? That your child feel secure and loved?

Ideally you would have a night away somewhere!

You don't need to feel guilty, teaching good sleep skills in an important life lesson imo.

I guess I'm scared that she'll still be waking up 4 times a night when she's 4 years old? I understand those who are against sleep training - but my instinct tells me that either checking on her frequently (CC) or the gradual retreat approach is not a form of abandonment. But she clearly gets very angry at the change to habit, and it's clearly difficult to not want to snap into 'oh I'll just BF you then'. When my partner puts her to sleep, she always sleeps for a longer stretch - so there's definitely a link with the BF.

This! 14 months is very young, there’s a reason she’s getting distressed, and there’s a reason you hate hearing her distressed. We are meant to listen and respond, she’s not manipulating or any of that tosh, she’s a baby, she needs mums reassurance. You don’t need to teach sleep skills, they do it when they are ready.

The issue with controlled crying is that it’s not controlled, it’s crying, baby is getting very distressed, cortisol is rising and that is not good for brain development.

At the same age, DS was very similar. DH started doing the night wakes, and I would only go through if he couldn’t be settled after 15 mins. 99% of the time, he’d fall back asleep within 5-10.

He’s 3.5 now and sleep likes a dream (once he finally stops reading 10 books and drinking from 3 different water bottles).

I would just jack any sleep training in and be there for your baby. With controlled crying you run the risk that one night your child will need you but not bother crying as they've learned it's not effective so just sit there when they really need help.

I know a mum who sleep trained her toddler at a similar age and initially she thought it was brilliant. Then one morning she found her son sat in his own vomit. He'd been sick in the night but just spent several hours (it was dry and crusty) sat there because he didn't see the point in crying out for help.

I know critics of this story will be quick to point out oh but my child doesn't do that, he still knows to cry for help! But you can't deny the risk is still there because every child is different.

It’s more likely the child had vomited in his sleep and slept through the whole thing! I’m amazed what my own gcs can sleep through.

What was the research for this? Do you possibly have a link for the evidence as I'm interested in how this seems to have changed over time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-of-crying-it-out?amp

I never let me baby cry and she’s a great sleeper now @SpringTime2023 I don’t buy in to “creating bad habit” etc.

I fed at night when she woke until she stopped naturally at 26 months. It got progressively less from 15 months so it was a gradual thing.

I wouldn’t leave them crying.

I didn’t do controlled crying, I just stopped breastfeeding in the night. When she woke I rocked her back to sleep. I never left her to cry on her own. The first time she was cross, and took ages to get back to sleep, but by the 3rd time she got the message and was sleeping through easily. It was life changing!

How long was 'ages' if you can remember please? I think it always feels like eternity when they're crying so I have tried to rock but then revert to feeding probably too quickly.

To be clear this article refers to full extinction cry it out - where the child is left to cry indefinitely, which is not what the OP is suggesting. The author also explicitly states their philosophical position that parenting should reflect the hunter gatherer model which is the majority of human history. I’m sure OP and others can make up their own mind about whether that is a sensible place to look for insight when you are not actually raising a child in a cave.

Probably 50 minutes - My daughter was 9 months old at the time. I am very stubborn though, I wasn’t going to back down! This is why you need to be mentally strong when you make the decision to do it, and stick to your plan. You might have a few difficult nights as your child protests about their human dummy not cooperating!