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Leaving my toddler overnight

30 replies

SilentRefluxAdvicePlease · 23/07/2024 21:45

In eight weeks’ time I plan to stay away from home overnight, for one night, for the first time since my toddler was born. She is breastfed and wakes 2 to 3 times overnight to feed. She becomes very upset if I try to refuse and will not usually take milk or water from a cup in the night. She was also a bottle refuser. I am very apprehensive about leaving her overnight at all and have considered not doing so. My husband will be with her and this will be a kind of ‘trial’ for a wedding we have been invited to attend the following month, when my parents will look after her overnight. Does anyone have any tips for how my husband and parents can soothe her if (when!) she wakes in the night and I am not there? Thanks so much in advance.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
SilentRefluxAdvicePlease · 23/07/2024 21:46

I should add, she is 14 months and will be a little over 16 months when I plan to leave her overnight.

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 23/07/2024 21:49

Time to wean her off the overnight feeds / get her used to a bottle.

Mine wasn’t keen either but I had to for own sanity / independence.

otravezempezamos · 23/07/2024 21:50

MidnightPatrol · 23/07/2024 21:49

Time to wean her off the overnight feeds / get her used to a bottle.

Mine wasn’t keen either but I had to for own sanity / independence.

This. You have 8 weeks. Start tomorrow.

Rowen32 · 23/07/2024 23:04

Wean her.. I did that so at least they were only missing me and not the milk, it's too much I think otherwise

Cadela · 23/07/2024 23:06

Yes definitely night wean, 8 weeks is plenty of time. You’ll have a rough few nights but it gets easier quite quickly. Dd was a milk monster and would wake to feed all night. Only took about a week.

I’d also switch up the bedtime routine so that if you do bf before bed do it downstairs, then bath/story etc upstairs and no bf, so you break the association.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:10

Oh FFS, the answer is always to tell a woman to stop feeding her child instead of supporting her to continue.

OP, if you want to continue feeding your little one - it’s totally possible. I left my first child 3/4 times between age 1-2 while still feeding throughout day and night, I genuinely didn’t believe people who said ‘they were fine without me’ but truly they were, I pumped while away and we picked up the next morning, it was like they knew I wasn’t in the house and settled fine for my husband.

It’s super overwhelming, but it’s totally doable and there’s only one way to find out! It’s 1 night and your baby will be safe/loved with their dad.

Galoop · 23/07/2024 23:13

I'd start weaning, then get husband to do it so it's not too much all at once. Swap boob for water in a sippy cup.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 23/07/2024 23:16

You don't necessarily need to wean. If you are there she will of course want you but when I wasn't both of mine accepted milk from a cup when offered. It's like they knew. They might resist but try not to assume how things will go. Can you do a trial where you go out for the evening and see how DH gets on?

HoppingPavlova · 23/07/2024 23:18

Toddlers don’t need to feed overnight. If they are only offered water they will soon stop waking for milk. I mean if I had someone willing to give me a nice warm snack of a night, I’d probably happily wake up for it every night but wouldn’t bother for a cup of water. Older babies and toddlers who don’t physically need food overnight are no different.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 23/07/2024 23:27

From my experience if she knows you aren't there she won't expect it.

longdistanceclaraclara · 23/07/2024 23:32

She probably won't care if you are not there.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:42

You’d almost think the OP asked how do I wean my child? Is it any wonder BF rates are so low.

If you’re happy to continue and it works for your family, continue. Listen to the responses on the question you actually asked.

Galoop · 23/07/2024 23:44

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:42

You’d almost think the OP asked how do I wean my child? Is it any wonder BF rates are so low.

If you’re happy to continue and it works for your family, continue. Listen to the responses on the question you actually asked.

Good point, I EBF. I only suggested weaning as a toddler shouldn't be waking 2-3 times a night, it's not good for anyone

ButterCrackers · 23/07/2024 23:45

Express your milk and freeze it so that it can be used whilst you are away. Take your pump with you to relieve the breast milk build up. It will be fine.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:46

Galoop · 23/07/2024 23:44

Good point, I EBF. I only suggested weaning as a toddler shouldn't be waking 2-3 times a night, it's not good for anyone

But for some families it’s how they get the most sleep and that’s good for everyone. My toddler fed 2-3 times a night for maybe a minute or two each time to get back to sleep, it worked for us and we naturally night weaned.

The question was about leaving baby for 1 night, experiences and suggestions for settling.

Women try their best and aren’t supported.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:49

And also @Galoop - do you know any adult with with the same sleeping pattern as every other adult? Or same methods to get to sleep? How they like to sleep? The way they like to sleep? Do adults like to be comfortable? Sleep beside the person they feel safe with? Drink if they’re thirsty?

Toddlers aren’t ’supposed’ to do anything, they’re all different and sleep isn’t linear. It’s up and down and good nights and bad nights just like grown ups!

HoppingPavlova · 23/07/2024 23:52

@Ayeyourebeingadick You’d almost think the OP asked how do I wean my child? Is it any wonder BF rates are so low

I don’t think most people are saying wean as such, but when they say wean are just referring to cutting out the overnight feeds as a 14mo doesn’t need to feed overnight at all let along 2-3 times overnight. That’s very different to wean as in not breastfeeding at all. It more becomes a case of kitchens open but only between morning and bed (but as another poster said last bf being before bedtime routine so they don’t ‘need’ bf to sleep).

And while everyone is different, toddlers, kids and adults are meant to get a decent uninterrupted nights sleep for health reasons. No, doesn’t always occur (ask me now I have to make several nighttime trips to loo with bladder due to age….) but it’s optimal for good health so why wouldn’t it be the aim?

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:55

@HoppingPavlova several people have mentioned weaning including ‘you have 8 weeks’ type pressure - this isn’t what the OP asked, she asked advice for 1 night!!

Poor woman is worried about leaving her toddler overnight and now people are telling her to night wean - which comes with its own chaos of stress, worry, pressure, hormone changes, possible mastitis etc etc etc. It’s 1 night, there are options before night weaning.

Sorry for the derail OP. I hope you get the support to do what works for you and your little one settles for your husband - you deserve a night away!

ExperiencedTeacher · 24/07/2024 00:03

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:55

@HoppingPavlova several people have mentioned weaning including ‘you have 8 weeks’ type pressure - this isn’t what the OP asked, she asked advice for 1 night!!

Poor woman is worried about leaving her toddler overnight and now people are telling her to night wean - which comes with its own chaos of stress, worry, pressure, hormone changes, possible mastitis etc etc etc. It’s 1 night, there are options before night weaning.

Sorry for the derail OP. I hope you get the support to do what works for you and your little one settles for your husband - you deserve a night away!

I couldn’t agree more with this.

Bedtime, night time and morning feeds were all we glad at 14 months as I was back at work. I WANTED to keep feeding and did so successfully until 3 years old, despite the odd night out.

OP, I left my breast fed, bottle refusing DS for a wedding over night at 11 months old. He didn’t sleep well for my mum but they both survived the evening and he relieved my rock solid boobs first thing in the morning!! I didn’t leave him often but when I did he would struggle to fall asleep and would wake in the night but everyone survived and it did us both good.

Good luck!

NuffSaidSam · 24/07/2024 00:05

Night weaning will solve a big source of the OP's worry and stress about her night away (and the upcoming wedding trip) so it seems a perfectly reasonable bit of advice.

SilentRefluxAdvicePlease · 24/07/2024 07:48

Thanks so much, everyone, for taking the time to reply. Definitely food for thought and ideas to discuss with my husband! Ultimately I feel better about going, so thank you.

OP posts:
Bemusedandconfusedagain · 24/07/2024 07:53

You don't need to wean at all, and I wouldn't do it if breastfeeding is otherwise working for you. You may well find she still wakes but you've lost your main way of soothing her.

As for the overnights, they're surprisingly adaptable and if you're just not there she and her caregivers will figure something out. Be it cuddles, a sleep story book or whatever.

Galoop · 24/07/2024 09:25

Ayeyourebeingadick · 23/07/2024 23:49

And also @Galoop - do you know any adult with with the same sleeping pattern as every other adult? Or same methods to get to sleep? How they like to sleep? The way they like to sleep? Do adults like to be comfortable? Sleep beside the person they feel safe with? Drink if they’re thirsty?

Toddlers aren’t ’supposed’ to do anything, they’re all different and sleep isn’t linear. It’s up and down and good nights and bad nights just like grown ups!

Toddlers aren't meant to be consistently waking 2-3 times a night. It's actually a good thing to not encourage this as sleep is very important for their development.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 24/07/2024 09:36

Galoop · 24/07/2024 09:25

Toddlers aren't meant to be consistently waking 2-3 times a night. It's actually a good thing to not encourage this as sleep is very important for their development.

Can you evidence that night waking for a toddler (and in this case an infant) isn’t good for their development? A quick feed a couple of times a night could be better for them than as the OP describes, a long night of upset and distress. And again, they don’t WANT to night wean.

https://parentingscience.com/night-wakings/
Night wakings are entirely, biologically normal. It’s such a shame people scare parents into thinking something is wrong and they’ll ’damaged their child when it’s absolutely normal. Parenting is hard enough, let’s support families to do what’s right for them.

Night wakings: A guide for the science-minded parent

Night wakings are a normal, healthy part of sleep. But if wakings are causing problems, there are evidence-based tactics to help us cope.

https://parentingscience.com/night-wakings

HoppingPavlova · 24/07/2024 13:09

@Galoop Have a suggestion for you. As what has been requested is available from a simple Google (and with accepted medical institutions/sources as opposed to a parenting website as was linked) advise an hourly rate and charge accordingly.

When I was doing medical training eons ago, we always had the importance of sleep (and what constitutes ‘proper sleep’ becomes important here), drummed into us in regards to patient preventative medicine as well as for recovery post illness/surgery. Thats why everyone laughs at the irony of the checks that wake patients during the night in a clinical setting in the setting with the most obvious need for sleep and why most Dr’s refuse these if/as unnecessary (most are if you are not on a system of continuous monitoring where you don’t need to be woken anyway, otherwise it’s an arse covering tool in the unlikely event of clinical deterioration).

The area that the importance of sleep (apart from adult recovery) is really drummed in is with paeds. It’s absolutely essential for growth, normal development and development of immunity which is REALLY important for kids as they are transitioning from a passive system via mums breastfeeding to an active system of their own. Then there’s the rest applicable universally that’s obvious (or one thinks but now realises not the case) with general health and physical/cognitive functioning.

@Ayeyourebeingadick You appear to be fighting with yourself in a way posting that article. Most seems to be lack of understanding of the article. It’s actually from an anthropologist and comes from that angle as opposed to medical and it’s not exactly in a medical journal of repute 🤣🤣🤣, but it’s actually not a bad collection of some facts put together with an anthropological view. However, most of it actually addresses what are requesting if you actually understand what you are reading.

You are grasping onto an ‘interrupted sleep’ slant, which when you look into the definitions even in the article just represent what we would consider as part of the normal sleep cycle I.e. being those periods up to 3 sec where we do ‘wake up’ and in that time we roll over, change position (necessary to prevent pressure points that can develop into bed sores), sense for danger signals (lizard brain stuff), the body ensures the brain is operating in a let’s not go from sleep to shut-down mode (SIDS related in a way as that bits obviously not properly developed in neonates - you can actually have cock ups and rarely get adult version SIDS btw). So when the article talks about normal sleep interruptions, that’s what it’s referring to. It’s not referring to waking up, sitting up, screaming a house down, getting a nice warm drink of milk (or milky tea if an adult🤣) having a bit of a playtime with someone and going back to sleep. It’s not even referring to a condensed version of that with a wake up, sleepy feed while half asleep and back to standard sleep - which is what happens as neonates transition to infants. Mum though is fucked as she has the whole get out of bed, walk over to cot/bassinet, get half undressed feed, place baby back, physically get back into bed. That’s okay and expected when women have kids but is a factor that is intertwined in natal depressions as this can be a contributory factor to post natal health.

If you read the sources (or even skim) the article is based on - and the referencing is to be applauded - you will see what you are referring to is what they are referring to for INFANTS. The studies refered reference 6mo-9mo INFANTS and all seem very common sense. The same article you refer to even states that by this time they, being 6mo, should ideally be getting 5-6 hours of standard sleep (that’s the one with ‘interruptions’ of up to 3 sec where you change positions and your brain ensures correct signalling with environment and within body - not having a lovely warm beverage). That’s the ideal physiologically for a little body for growth/immune response development/general development. Otherwise it refers to the neonate and infant state, which is correct in that stomach/digestive development and brain development means they MUST feed at regular intervals including the night. That is completely irrelevant to a TODDLER of14mo though unless unless they have medical needs, and if so they’d probably be on some form of medically supervised feeding pump/bolus system.

Other aspects of the article refer to non-Western Hunter/gatherer societies and links this aspect with circadian rhythms. Yes, some non-Western Hunter/gather societies function differently, which means a difference in brain development in n regards to circadian rhythm which is fine/expected if you are a society where it’s standard for children and adults through to death to have a normal sleep pattern of 6 odd hours during the day. But, assuming you are trying to respond to a woman with a toddler in say, London or Leeds, this aspect is pretty moot.