Baby wakes every 1-2 and I’m struggling with my mental health

[BeGreenSwan]

Hi all,

I have an 8 month old daughter that is EBF, healthy weight, eating solids and co sleeps.

She has never slept that well, as a newborn she had to be held during naps and night sleep for a month or so. After she continued to wake every 1-2 hours for a bottle (we used to combo feed) which was difficult so I decided to do sleep.

At first she slept for up to 4 hours with co sleeping but now she wakes up every 1 hour since she was 5 months old - this can mean 10 wakes per night. I either feed her to sleep or rock her.

My husband helps a lot. We take shifts at night so he is with her 9pm to 2-4am when he’s not working and if he’s working then he’s with her from 9pm to midnight. He also helps with the chores. However, she still wants milk every 2 hours so he brings her to me.

As you can imagine, I’m struggling with my mental health due to not sleeping well for months. I love motherhood but I feel depressed due to the lack of sleep. I currently have a terrible migraine and I feel down a lot. I’ve started talking therapy but I feel like I need more sleep.

Has anyone been through this? Any advice?

I do not want to do any cry it out sleep training.

Thanks

This was my experience; my mental health really took a dive. I think you need to break the association between feeding or rocking with sleep; I did this with my DD without any crying it out but it did take longer. Over about a week I slowly reduced how long I was rocking her (I actually timed it and decreased by a minute or two each day) and then I’d put her in her cot and stay with her with my hand on her chest until she fell asleep. It probably took two weeks to reduce down to no rocking and then staying with her shushing her and putting my hand on her chest if she became upset.
In terms of the feeding to sleep it’s similar, you have to stop her feeding before she falls asleep. You also have to do all this for every wake up.

I agree with @Tbskejue that you need you break the sleep association. We were in a similar position not so long ago that our 7 month old woke up at least 4 times and had to be BF back to sleep. We did a form of gentle sleep training which involved comforting her in the cot, and from the first night she dropped to only waking once overnight. The first couple of nights were hard and she did cry on and off for about 45 minutes but we were with her all the time, but after the first two nights she just grizzled for a few minutes. A few weeks later we can more or less put her in the cot and she falls asleep on her own.

I was absolutely anti CIO and didn’t believe anything would work and she’d just scream for hours. But was at rock bottom with both physical and mental health so gave some recommended gentle sleep training a try and it has literally changed our lives

@Tbskejue Thanks, I’d like to try this.

Sorry but sleep training really is the answer. A couple of nights upset for years of benefit.

We did pick up / put down. So you do your usual bedtime routine, cuddles, singing, whatever and then put her down awake and leave. If she cries, wait a minute and then comfort and put down again. Basically repeat until she falls asleep.

Re feeding, gradually cut down the number of feeds at night. For example you could decide to not feed until after midnight - so if she wakes before then, no feed. And then gradually increase the time between feeds. And if you do feed, don’t feed until she falls asleep - she should go in the cot awake.

Good luck. I know it’s scary but it’s the best thing I did. My DS is 3 and it’s still the best parenting decision I ever made. Unfortunately from my friends experiences who didn’t sleep train it just gets harder as they get older, not easier.

Yes I had this, it went on until he was 3 years old, then he stretched out to waking every 2-3 hours, always woke screaming though. It turned out he had undiagnosed issues making sleep painful and horrific for him. My mental health also really suffered, from 7/8 months up to 18 months, then after essentially a breakdown I had to reevaluate and change things in my/our life because for us there was no sign of it changing. This is not the usual pattern this takes mind you, most babies settle into sleeping better eventually around 12-24 months, but I absolutely feel your pain.

p.s. I also have a 5 month old baby and even though he sleeps pretty well and sometimes sleeps through the night I’m still going to be taking away his dummy and teaching him to self-settle when he turns 6 months. I really do think it’s the most valuable skill you can give a child.

Yes OP, been there. It is awful and I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. It is so hard.

Are you going back to work any time soon? That’s the only thing that got my sanity back to be honest. DD1 started nursery at 11 months old, I took three weeks off and slept, slept, slept and then went back to work. She started sleeping better after starting nursery and I got some much needed respite.

Sleep training didn’t work for us. She never cried, she only screamed.

I hope you get some respite soon.

Can I ask what the undiagnosed issue was? My little one wakes about 10 times a night and suffers with lots if digestive issues and it's been this way for about 4 months now. People keep telling me it will get better on it's own but I worry it won't

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time. It was only after I had my first baby that I realised why sleep deprivation was a form of torture, I’d have confessed to anything for the sake of a decent nights sleep. I had two thoughts (below) which may be off the mark but may help!

• Is she definitely full after a feed? I sadly didn’t have a successful breastfeeding journey with DC1 and I realised far too late down the line that she was waking on the hour because she was hungry and then was falling asleep whilst latched on. This may not be the case for you but I only put it out there as a possibility in case you’ve had an inclining at all that she is waking from hunger. Seeing a private lactation consultant was a game changer for me and I’d always recommend it if you have the means, even just to double check it’s all going ok and to get a professionals opinion.

• Does she ever sleep independently (in the pushchair, Moses basket, car etc.) or is it always either with you or on you? It is totally normally for baby to want to be close to their mum at this age and I don’t necessarily agree with separating at night if you don’t feel ready, however could you encourage more independent naps in the daytime so she could get used to sleeping at some point in the day whilst not being next to you / on you?

Another one to put out there is, would you consider pumping and letting dad or another family member give baby a bottle at night so you could have a longer sleep?

Op it’s the breastfeeding and cosleeping.

Before anyone jumps down my throat I’m a big fan of BF and have done it for 18 months between my 2 kids, but it’s a recipe for shit sleep.

Express a bottle, have somebody else settle her in a cot in a different room.